DIE already!!

I just really have to get this off my chest.why the hell do pandas still exist? i mean all they eat is bamboo and need to eat a ton of it, because it has no nutritional value whatsoever. They have like one fertile mating day a year, and it seems either the female panda population is absolutely heinous to look at or the males are mostly gay, but they don't breed. Why the hell did nature create such a specifically adapted species? It makes no sense! Why in the blue fuck are these big black and white genetic fucktards so hyped up?
I mean every freakin' day on the news they try to get everyone hyped up about whether the pandas tailed and whether choo-choo or la-la or muu-muu or what the fuck ever is preggers. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. It's all about survival of the fittest. I see no point in keeping around some species that isn't designed to go forth and multiply the earth.
Some of you might whine that the fucking pandas are keeping the bamboo growth down. What the fuck ever. Just more bamboo for Pier One to make crappy furniture with.

They've only got one mating period of like 24 hours every 2 years or some insane shit like that. Natureobviously isn't intending for them to stay around so why do we meddling humans stick our noses into natural selection's snatch and interfere by spending millions trying to save these lost causes?
We can't even eat them for God's sake! LET THEM DIE and make me happy!

Talk about busting a nut!

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_76570.html



Penis explodes during sex

"Doctors in Romania are treating a 28-year-old whose penis exploded while he was making love to his girlfriend.

Ilarie Coroiu was taken to hospital in the Transylvanian town of Cluj after his girlfriend, Magdalena, 18, "felt something strange" and noticed that the bed was covered in blood.

Dr Angela Domocos, head of the accident and emergency department at Cluj General Hospital, said: "It is very rare for this to happen. We call it an exploded penis because it happens when the blood cavities in the penis burst.

"I don't know what this couple were playing at, but there must have been tremendous pressure inside the penis to make this happen."

Mr Coroiu is now recovering after an operation to stop the bleeding"


This article may or may not be bullshit, but still! It ALMOST makes me not to want sex EVER again. First STDs and now my penis might explode.

Why is this happening to me???

Don't you just hate it when you're wallowing along in your own misery and dread filled cesspool of discontent and pain, lashing out at anyone stupid enough to get in your way when suddenly a bright blinding light hits you right in the face, filling you with an annoying sense of.... happiness?? You blow it off thinking it's just a fluke and it won't last, but weeks later and to your horror you find yourself still happy! What the fuck?!! But wait! There's still hope! That big medical crisis that you've been dreading for the past couple of weeks will surely end up being bad news, thus terminating this annoying sense of euphoria right? WRONG. The doctor calls you up to congratulate you and tells you that you are NOT going to die a slow painful death after all! In fact, he tells you that you are such excellent physical condition, you might live past 80 years old!

Great. So much for my dream of dying tragically young.

Meanwhile you've got this silly shit eating permagrin on your mug as this blissful happiness and a new outlook on life continue to consume your very soul.

Oh well... I guess I'll just have to deal with it and see where it leads.

just a suggestion

I was chillin' with a bunch of guys I barely knew, but they were cool and one of them mentioned that he was in the dog house with his girl because of his rather crass reaction when his gf said that she couldn't have sex with him because she may have something wrong with her cervix. Since cancer runs in her family, it could be very bad news indeed.

Anyway, he accused her of making it up as an excuse to not have sex with him and she promptly responded by slapping the shit out of him and kicking him out of their house.
He goes on and on about how much of an inconvience it is to not being able to have sex as often as he'd like, nevermind that his gf might have fucking cancer! No! This selfish drunk, cry baby dumb ass is more worried about not being able to get his dick wet.

Well, I was already in a pretty foul mood for being forced to watch fucking baseball plus I was getting sick of this jack ass's bitching so I just went right out and a suggested that he might want to try anal sex.
There was a profound silence in the room as dozens of eyes stared holes into over the outrageous statement I just blurted out. I didn't care though... I was bored and pissed and I went on to add that since she doesn't have cancer in the pooper you would be free to pack her fudge all you wanted! Problem solved! Now shut the fuck up!

After that everyone just started erupted into earth shaking laughter, including the selfish crybaby dumbass. He said he never thought of that. Afterwards they soon dispersed into the backyard to get even drunker, leaving me with free reign over the remote and I quickly changed the channel to watch Godzilla verse Space Godzilla!! Now THAT'S good tv watchin'!

I'll take great pleasure when the son of a bitch tries to corn hole his ol' lady and she mule kicks his balls up his throat.


I hate fucking baseball.

One of those things

Don't you hate when one of your friends brings up a very good point about something and tells you things that you don't want to hear and you don't want to admit that maybe, just maybe that they might be right?
Meanwhile you start to feel a growing resentment towards them because you know you'll eventually have to do something that you don't really want to do. Plus you don't want to give them the satisfaction that they might be right, although by not doing so, there's a good chance you might go through life feeling bitter and unfufilled.

This happened to a friend of mine of course, because I'm NEVER wrong about such things. NEVER I tells ya!

This made me laugh quite out loud.

I was watching BET's Comic View one night and this woman made me spit out my cheerios when she said this:

'I'm going to start wearing black from now on. Everyone knows that black makes you look thinner. That's why you see a lot of fat white women going out with black men.'

That would explain a lot!

Burger King

i now know fear

So it's Sunday, I'm chillin' at my place, unwinding from my day hiking at the park when I see that fucking Burger King commercial. What in THE fuck is up with that creepy looking mother fucking Burger King?
In this one commercial some dude wakes up in the morning to find this terrifying bastard laying in bed next to him, staring at him with those souless, unblinking plaster eyes and then he hands him so gross looking breakfast sandwhich. Uggh.
In another commercial he's standing in the middle of some dude's yard while the dog is barking furiously (dogs sense evil you know). Dude goes to check it out and he sees him 50 feet away. He turns back to his wife and turns back around and the fucking Burger King is RIGHT IN HIS FACE!!!! Once again peddling off some new nasty looking breakfast sammich.
Holy fuck, that made me jump the first time I saw that commericial. This is truly the stuff nightmares are made from! You're telling me this mofo can fucking teleport? That would explain how he ends up in people's beds and the back seats of cars.
Freddy and Jason ain't got shit on this fucker!

I would rather wake up with a horse's head laying next to me than have the fucking BURGER KING staring at me with that mother fucking smile! God that smile!!
Wouldn't it be funny if the dude woke up and the king was there, but instead of handing him a sammich, he hands him the severed head of his wife??
Or what if when the dude with the yard turned around he saw his wife in a pool of blood and when he turned back around the KING is in his face with a butcher knife?
Hell, they may as well.

I remember in college...

I was in my 1984 Sunbird, aka, the SunTURD on the way home from class. I was locked in an epic inner battle that had been raging for days. In my nose, the motherfucker or all boogers had laid seige and occupied a good portion of my left nostrial. No matter how hard I tried to capture it, it continued to elude my grasp, gaing size and strength as the days went on, mocking me as it gained power. However, this proved to be its undoing, because it made it that much harder to elude my grasp. I decided to unleash a bitzkrieg of multiple finger attacks from various angles to confuse and eventually capture this crusty dried up wad of mucus.

I'm literally a finger's length away from victory when I hear a combination of "ewwwwww" and laughter from next to me. I look over to see a VW bug packed with 3 beautiful college broads. They were gorgeous, and grossed out, and laughing at me.

I was busted dead to rights with no way out of the situation. So I was left with no choice but to do what any decent guy would do: I pulled my pinky from my nose and went KFC style. I licked every one of my fingers. Their laughter quickly turned to pure disgust. Hands covered mouths and heads turned the other way. I knew I was victorious when finally the front passenger hung her head out of her window and started dry heaving, making some sort of half choking, half gurgling sound obviously the skinny chick had purged earlier in the day.
It was music to my ears.

I drove away laughing.

Random chick pic

do i need a reason?

Bumper stickers

You know what I just can't understand? Jack asses with bumper stickers. Why the fuck do these retards glue these shitty little pieces of paper on their cars? Freedom of expression? What the fuck ever. It's especially sad when fucking adults do this shit. I had bumper stickers on my car when I was a 16 year old dumb fuck, but I out grew that bullshit.

Personally I think it's pretty fucking stupid to put this crap on your car. I don't fucking care who you voted for. I don't care if you're a vegetarian and I sure as hell don't care about what fucking bands you listen to and I don't care what your stance is on gun control I don't give a rat's ass if you're gay or not and I sure as hell don't need to know that you secretly desire to be a fucking porn star.
It's even worse when they don't limit this crap to their bumpers. NOooo! They have to paste this crap all over their windows too. Sometimes it's just for the sake of putting up their favorite product or company or what the fuck ever. Congrats, fucktards, you've turned your car into a rolling billboard, you fucking tools!

You can pretty much judge what kind of person these dumbasses are before they ever walk out of the car by reading their bumper stickers. I think that fucking sucks. That's a HUGE disadvantage to me if everyone knows my shit before they actually see me and being the slightly neurotic, paranoid, bi polar manic depressive that I am, that is especially nerve racking.
Hell, just by looking at this one chick's car I could tell that she smokes pot, likes The Misfits, hates meat, voted for Kerry, loves puppies, is pro choice, feminist, likes to kayak, hates racism (don't they all), opposes the war yet supports the troops (probably has family serving), and likes Happy Bunny. I know all this yet I've never actually spoken to the girl. I don't even know what she looks like. She may as well paint her address and phone number on the fucking car.

I mean come on! THE MAN™ already knows enough shit about me, I'm sure as hell NOT gonna make it any easier for those sons of bitches! If any fucker wants to know me, they'll have to walk up to me and ask some freaking questions because they're sure as hell ain't gonna get anything by reading what's on the back of my car. Sure I might tell them to fuck off, kick them in the chops and steal their money, but at least they'll know what I'm all about. Bastards... get in my business will ya!

Good GOD.

A guy I know is notoriously inept when it comes to using q-tips. Why? I have no idea, he just is. As long as I've known him, his girlfriend has always routinely cleaned his ears for him. Well, one day, he gets a bug up his ass that must have whispered "your ears are filthy!" and he decides it's time to clean them. She can't at the moment and he gets impatient as hell and does it himself. When he's finished, he complains of a little pain in his ear. He dismisses it and goes to sleep and wakes up with a pillow covered in blood and he CAN'T FUCKING HEAR WITH IT. So, he goes to the doctor and tell's them what happened. The nurse laughs and calls the doctor in. The doctor laughs and calls OTHER people in. Even his girlfriend chimed in laughing while his ear is steadily drowning in a puddle of his own blood. The worst part? They couldn't do anything about the damage yet because there was so much blood in the canal. All they did was give him some antibiotics and some ear drops to help it drain and told him to come back in a day or two when the blood has drained lol. So he's deaf and in pain and they can't do shit about it for another day or so. Fucking TARD.