"Chill out, Uncle Mark"

Those were the words my two year old niece said to me when I asked her if she was ready to play some video games.

Not only that, but she said it with a cocked eye brow like how DARE I insult her intelligence and time by asking her such a ridiculous question.

I swear this kid is some kind of pod creature.

Chill out, indeed.

Porn before internet

Back in the day when you brought porn to school, you were the fucking man. Everyone was like, " Man, porn! That's awesome!" and people were begging to borrow a page, even going as far as offering you money for it.

I remember I brought a page o' porn to school and put it in my locker. I remember the featured chick on there as well: "Busty Belle". As you can imagine it was some red headed skanky looking chick with some really big fake tits, but back then she was a goddess. Apparently every other guy in the school thought the same thing, because they would always swarm my locker to get a peek at her.
Funny thing is, she wasn't even nude on this particular photo. The only thing she was doing was bending over in a low cut dress, showing off her expensive cleavage.

Eventually this got the attention of some bitch of a teacher and she tore down the picture, telling me not to hang Victoria's Secret models pictures in my locker again.
Lucky for me she didn't flip the page over or else she would have seen Ms. Belle masturbating with a 10 inch spiked dildo. Did I mention this was from a Hustler magazine?

Oh well...it's funny how different the advent of the internet changes things. I've always wanted to use advent in a sentence, hopefully I did it correctly.

It's that time of year again.

Ah, tis the season to fight massive mobs of crazed consumers and spend money you don't have and go fa-la-la-la head first into debt.
Why do people do this to themselves? What's the point? If the only way to make a loved one happy is to buy them a ridiculously overpriced over hyped gift that will probably be forgotten in few weeks then maybe you should get some new loved ones.
They should be happy that you acknowledge their existence, but I guess that doens't fill up much space under the christmas tree.
Bah.... etc.

Speed bowling.

Leave it to turn a relaxing sport like bowling into a hardcore cardio workout.

Not too long ago a bowled 13 games in a little over an hour which is unheard of in the world of bowling. It's supposed to be a game of skill and comfort, but when I'm done, I'm sweating like a just ran a marathon and when I wake up the next morning I'm as sore as I am when I work out at the gym.

Obviously, unlike most people who bowl, I don't sit around and chug a couple of beers or scarf down some nachos in between frames, nope... for me it's none stop bowling. It's probably more of a HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) type of workout where you exercise intensely for a certain amount of time and then rest before doing it all over again.
I get horrified looks from the fatty fat bowlers as they scarf down their hot dogs, but I don't care. I take great pride and satisfaction that in the time that it takes them to finish one game, I've already finished four.

Could it be that I'm on the verge of discovering the next fitness craze of speed bowling?? Why the hell not?!!

Just when you thought it was safe to work out

I just got word from a friend of mine that somebody got shot at the gym I usually work out at. Apparently some dude attacked another guy and got shot in the gut. Looks like the shooter will walk since it was self defense.

Weird thing is, I decided to skip my workout that night to install my new computer. Sheesh, that sucks that I missed out on the action. I would've loved to have been a witness and get my 15 minutes of fame on the local tv!

Barely contained rage

Okay so I just found out that DHL has delivered my package, a very expensive package to the wrong freaking STATE. I bought this particular package from ebay.

Somebody, somewhere obviously screwed up, whether it was DHL or the guy I bought the product from, but I'm not going to go crazy just yet. No... I'm going through the normal diplomatic channels and hoping to clear this mix up with little bloodshed.

If it doesn't get cleared up and I end up getting fucked over, some fucking heads are going to roll and I'm going to war, by god.

Until then I'm going to remain calm.

Yes, I can be deep.

While hanging out with the lads, one of them mentions something about a friends wife working for a church and says that there's not much money in that if they want to start a family and I remark she may not be wealthy financially, but at least she's rich spiritually.

For a second they looked at me oddly. Apparently they couldn't tell if I was being serious or not and I assured them I was.

I happen to have a great deal of respect for people who are at peace with themselves spiritually and it doesn't matter how they choose to attain it, short of human/animal sacrifice that is.

If someone happens to find it through religion, then that's cool with me.
Seems like there's a big bia against Christians in general. If you dare mention that you are a practicing "C-word" they you're immediately looked upon as some ultra religious moron, casting anyone and everyone to hell if they look at the street cross eyed.
Sheesh, I have friends who sigh loudly, roll their eyes and start ranting and bitching about how intolerant and awful Christians are... i don't think they realize the irony in that.

I have quite a few friends who are devote christians and they're the coolest people I know, particularly because they don't try to push their beliefs on me. THAT'S when I have a problem. I don't like having anything forced on me, whether it be religion, coupons or women's rights(haha).

Back to my friends' reactions... I guess they're so used to me mocking and ridiculing various things, they expected me to call this girl a loser or an idiot... quite the contrary.

People are also surprised that I'm Pro-Life... again, the preconception of pro-lifers are half crazed people picketing and bombing abortion clinics and of course condemning all involved straight to hell.

I know a lot of people who have actually had abortions, some of them are friends of mine, but I guess I'm a "conservative Pro-Lifer" because I have no desire to condemn any of them to hell. They are my friends after all.

However, I have NO sympathy for people who just can't or won't figure out how to use any kind of birth control and use the abortion option AS their method of birth control which is pretty stupid when you think about it. Why would anyone choose having a vaccum chop up and suck out fetus parts out of them while bleeding like a stuck pig or take one of those abortion pills that pretty much makes you miscarry which isn't a very pleasant experience either when all they have to do is unravel a simple piece of rubber?

I'm not too keen on late term abortions either... Sorry, but aborting a seven month unborn baby is just sick.

If I was ever faced with an unplanned pregnancy I would do the right thing and book the first flight to Canada and live a new life as a lumberjack. I considered Mexico, but let's face it... it's a loser country. Why else are they killing themselves to get the fuck out?? Anyway, I'll be known as Jaque St. Pierre, The Great Black hope of the Great White North.
I certainly wouldn't advocate that the girl get an abortion because that's just selfish!

Little kids.

So I was at the check out lane in Target the other day and some 4 year old looking kid kept looking at my head and nudged his mom and told her that there were worms crawling out of my head.
The mother and I shared a good hearted chuckle, but inside I wanted to give the little sumbitch a closer look at my "worms" by head butting the shit out of him.

Not too long before that, another kid said my head looked sharp... kids say the dumbest things, so dumb I can barely contain the urge to throttle the little scamps.

My sister's kids are cool though... they never once ridiculed my hair... no, they're more interested in using me as a pillow, an airplane or just calling me a "deadbeat".

Ah, them kids... gotta love 'em cuz you certainly can't kill them.

Dude, what the hell??

So I'm hangin' at Carie's place watching Heroes and her brother starts making all these jokes about Japanese people and everybody laughs.

Meanwhile, not even a week earlier I made a remark about pushing some uppity bitchy pregnant woman down some stairs and what do I get?? Awkward silence!
How can anyone NOT find that funny???

I see how it is... see if I ever go back to their house. Bah!

Didn't need to know that.

Have you ever heard something about somebody that you know that you wish you didn't know and it just makes you feeling uncomfortable for the rest of the day?
That happened to me 30 minutes ago. I've said it before and I'll say it again, sometimes it just SUCKS to be "the guy who listens".
It leaves you wide open to hearing all sorts of fucked up shit.

In other news, I just saved a ton on my auto insurance by NOT going to Geico! Big savings my ASS!! They have a lot of nerve saying shit like that on national television and is there any wonder why they're so pricey?? Geez, they have about three different ad campaigns with that damn lizard, cavemen and random wacky parody commercials. That shit ain't cheap!

Reconnecting with friends

Lately I've been trying to reestablish the bonds of friendship with a few buddies of mine I haven't seen in awhile with somewhat lackluster results.

Apparently I can never get the timing right to set up a meeting, they're always too busy having lives outside their own that DON'T revolve around ME. Can you believe that shit?? How DARE they!

Anyway, I forgive them because I'm a merciful and kind soul and I'll give them one more chance before I cast them out forever.
For the past month or so, I've discovered a new mini obsession of mine... BOWLING. That's right... bowling... the sport of kings.
I've been hanging out with my dad and sis every weekend to pefect my already incredible skills and I thought it would be peachy keen if my friends could join me, but NOOOOOOOO, they always have some lame excuse not to come... whatEVER.

Who could possibly pass up the chance to handle huge, heavy balls and smash them against long white phalluses, begging for sweet release.... that didn't sound homo at all.

Bah... I haven't given up yet. Soon I'll convince them to join me... or die trying.

100k

Apparently over 100,000 thousand people have visited my blog. How cool is that.... cool and a little disturbing.

My two cents on illegal immigration (with some change)

America is basically sitting back and watching the country getting overrun with illegals. And when I say overrun, I mean the fact that we are watching the public systems that are in place to help our nation's poor being exploited to the point of collapse by people who aren't supposed to be here.

And why doesn't the government really do whats necessary to stop this influx? Because they don't want to be seen as "mean".

If the U.S. has the balls to start a war over seas shouldn't it have enough balls to secure its own borders???

Part of the problem is the cheap labor. Rich American corporations are fine with the cheap illegal labor. Its not like the people in top management are affected by the collapse of the public health systems. They have the money to pay for their own private insurance. They aren't the ones who have the hospitals close down in their towns because the state can no longer afford to keep the doors open. It's the poor, legal citizens who suffer.


Another part is the fact that it's mostly the border states that bear the brunt of illegal problems. The people in north Dakota really don't give a rat's ass if Los Angeles has immigrant problems.

In a perfect world we could just have general amnesty for all illegals. But this is so NOT a perfect world. America has to worry about its own citizens over a bunch of people who refuse to stay home and fix their own government.

And who are the people that we get from illegal immigration? We get the uneducated bottom of the barrell so there is no benefit. We arent getting the best and brightest from Mexico. The educated people come here through legal means.

I also don't understand the protests by illegals. As if America is some how wrong for enforcing its own laws??!! unbelievable! in my opinion, if you are illegal, then you have no rights here other than you basic human rights (we're not China after all). And the belief that the american economy would shut down if all the illegals were forced to leave is bullshit. The U.S. has been through a lot of financial ups and downs. We would recover from the loss of cheap illegal labor. and in the end we would come out better for it because big companies wouldn't be able to get away with low balling people in the wage department.

Just a couple of cents from me.

Long overdue hate list.

-People who don't close the bathroom door when taking a piss. WTF? I don't want to hear or see it especially if it's just to the left of my room!

-Idiots who dress like assholes and act like assholes just to the approval of other assholes. They're so scared of someone not liking them that they'll stop being themselves just so people will think they're cool or some nonsense.

-I hate it when people assume they know what/or why I'm doing every minute of the day. Just because you know somebody doesn't mean you know what they're doing everyday minute of everyday. Then further prove just how stupid they are, they'll tell me I'm wrong. How the fuck do you tell somebody who first hand knows what they are doing that they are wrong? It's like I say I go out to get something to eat, they say I'm wrong, I went to Borders. Did they see me go to Borders? NO? Can they prove it? Fools.

- Racists, especially ONLINE RACISTS. Because you know they wouldn't say shit if you were in their faces. At the same time I find this funny.

- I hate it when people put CDs or DVDs data-side down or put them back in the wrong cases. Even worse, they get pissed off when XXX game or movie doesn't work, then they tend to rub the disc on their shirt to "clean it off".

- People who refuse to be open to new opinions.

- People who are attention whores when a new game or movie comes out. "Yeah I'm downloading it", they say. Yes, you can download it. That's right, only YOU can do that. Wow. Go you. Then they complain when XXX sequel doesn't make it stateside.

- REALITY PORN. The cameraman won't shut the fuck up. He's always asking the couple on screen stupid questions. Maybe I'd rather like to hear the chick MOANING rather than "HOW'SITHOWISITDOYOULIKEITHOW'STHEPOONHOW'STHECOCK BLAHBLAHBLAH" from some guy? You know? Maybe I'd like *THAT* better?

-Actors in serious films that always smirk. Like Toby Maguire. He always looks like he's smiling to me, even when he's supposed to be crying or feeling miserable. I can handle it with Seinfeld. But not in films for some reason.

-Wet socks. I'm not sure if it's my ultimate pet peeve, but holy shit is it maddening to step in water (or whatever liquid) while wearing socks.

-Guys at the gym who scream when they're lifting. They might as well be screaming "look at me, look at me."

-Guys who do steroids that aren't pro athletes. I can at least understand why professional athlete juice up, I mean it's the way they make a living, but retards who do it just to "be big" are just... well.... retards.

- Pushy Hobos

-People who wear ipods when they're jogging or biking outside. I remember seeing some Lance Armstrong spandex wearing motherfucker riding in freakin' traffic while wearing friggin' EARPHONES... the ones that practically go inside your damn eardrum.
Speaking of death wishes I also remember seeing some dumb ass chick wearing your typical skimpy sports bra hot shorts combo jogging by herself in a shady part of town, at night while wearing EARPHONES.
Now I don't condone rape and I don't think it's funny, but if this chick ended up getting attacked then she brought it on herself. Common sense, people!!

Zomboy

Quick and dirty animation I did inspired by some weird ass dream of mine. Not the best I've done, but I had fun making the sound effects. haw!

Dead friends.

A friend of mine recently died several weeks ago and I've just now started to get around writing about it.
He was my age we went to the same school together and apparently he died suddenly in his sleep. Just like that... dead.
Kinda crazy when I heard about how he died, I was expecting a car crash, murder, suicide, anything, but passing away quietly in his sleep.

It's made me realize that most of the people I know who have died recently usually have done so in a violent manner, usually involving car wrecks. Oh, that reminds me, other friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver a couple of nights ago. Haven't seen him in ten years, but there's no reason to believe he still wasn't a friend.

Anyway, back to the original person I was talking about. I feel kind of bad because he invited me to his wedding a few years ago and I never showed up. I figured I would make it up to him later. Apparently I didn't have as much time as I thought.

How odd.

Bmovies.com is Online!

Here's a little poster I did for a site called BMOVIES.COM. It took forever to get the site online, but it's finally up and running! It's a pretty cool site where you can download classic cheesy low budget movies for FREEEEE! That's right! FREEEEEEEE! Feel FREE to check it out!

BMOVIES.COM

Yeah, I'm a whore.

Damn animals

I've noticed that animals are being especially nice to me lately and that has me concerned. I've read about how some household pets can sense cancer and seem to automatically gravitate towards cancer patients.

Well lately, people's pets can't get enough from me, always wanting to cuddle up against me, licking me and just lying next to me for not good reason even though usually they would have nothing to do with me.
Hell, even a freakin' HORSE wouldn't leave me alone even though it usually isn't very social according to the owner.

Great. Just my luck. I know it can't be because I have such a kind soul since I am extraordinarily evil after all.

My niece the pirate

Apparently my niece is going through a pirate phase, constantly swinging away with a plastic sword and demanding that her mother help her find the treasure.

So naturally I'm going to have to teach her to replace "treasure" with "booty" cuz booty is a funny word!

At least she's not calling everyone evil anymore.... I wonder where she got that? Hmmmm....

One more month

It's almost been a year now since I got my shades from overseas and I STILL have them. That's a major accomplishment for me since I tend to go through sunglasses on a weekly basis, but not these. I've actually been able to hold on to them.
They've gone through some rough times, but the important thing is, they are still intact and they make me look so damn cool.

I should thank that little japanese lady for selling them to me, but she called me a "chocolate demon" so I won't.



Well she didn't really, but I've always liked that term.

Weird thought

So I finally watched Charlie and the Chocolate factory not too long ago... the one with Johnny Depp and I thought of something that made me kind of sad.

I thought about all the midget actors out there who dusted off their resumes and prepared to audition for the parts of the Oompa Loompas only to find out that the role of the orange skinned weirdos will be played by, thanks to the wonders of technology ONE man who isn't even a midget!

What a blow that must've been to midget actors everywhere!

Oh well... I guess they'll just have to settle on being Christmas elves again or tossed around in bars.

Fascinating

I'm sitting at my o9ffice computaer after spedning mostof the night drinking with some friends of myine wishinga frined good luck on his new teaching job. I spent longer out drinking than ai thought i would and I am thoraouthyly drunk.

SoI thought it would be interesting to see how I would put a post in my bogtl while I am drunk. Right now I look forwared to reading this in the morning to see how far gone I was this night. I think I danced with a chick but it could'be been a guy in drage. I dudnno I was just enjoying the music so I dont give a damen.

Even though I think i'm good to drive I know for a fact that I'm not. I'll rpoably end up spending theing night in the office or stay here long enough to sober up. Its scary that people actually go out and drive in this condition or worse. Hell I can barely keep track of the key board let alone a dricing an actualy fvehicle.

Let this be a lsesson to all you kids... don't dringk and drive!!217-0

May be I'll triy on th draw a picture while drunk, that should be interesting god, I ahve to hbe in corth caraliona tomorrow morningt... I hope i cna man ke it.

time to starty dringking some water and pissing my ailment out of my body. lateryalll.

Volleyball confusion

that's what you want to see

So I'm sitting here watching woman's beach volleyball and something troubles me.
Why are the commentators..... talking?? Matter of fact why are they there at all?? Why do feel the need to drone on about the players' stats, history, opinions strategies, etc??
Why do they interview the players from the neck up? Why does the camera focus on their faces at all? Why are they even allowed to talk?

What's up the bizarre camera angles where they zoom in ABOVE the waist? I don't understand why they opt for a SIDE view angle when the players are bent over. There is a shocking lack of genuine rear view angles in women's beach volleyball, it makes me feel a little cheated that I'm not getting every possible angle of Misty May's well rounded.... talents.

When I think more about it the annoying audience really isn't needed either.

These are just the little things that prevent me from fully enjoying the fine and respected sport of Women's beach volleyball.

True story

When I was in 4th grade my class went on a field trip to the museum. Since we were all little bastards, we would run around and play tag when the grown ups were not looking.

The kid that was "it" decided to run after me to tag me, so I ran away into what I thought was another room. Turns out the other room was a wall painted to look like some outdoor Dinosaur exhibit, so I ran face first into a wall, like Wile E. Coyote except I ended up with a huge not on my forehead and probably had a concussion, but kids were tough back in my day and I shook it off and continued running around the museum like the demon child I was.

I bet if that happened today the kid would be immediately taken to the hospital, the panicky parents would have sued the school, museum, teacher and anyone else who looked at them funny and the museum would have been deemed unsafe and shut down by homeland security.

bleh

A joke.

Okay here's a joke that might be old as sand, but I just heard it yesterday so it's new to me, so shut the hell up and listen:

How do you kill a circus?
You go for the juggler!! HAW!

That's fucking comedy gold right there, son!

Feel free to tell it to your friends... you know you will.

Ghost Hunting

So I was invited to, but declined (too tired and drunk) to go on a midnight ghost hunt in some spooky old house, not too far from where I live.
Turns out I missed on a pretty creepy experience as my friend gave me the details. I was both freaked out and envious at the same time! They said they got footage of the "spirit" which I have yet to see.

I love crap like this, it reminds me when I was in high school, hanging out with friends in the graveyard, going into creepy old houses with a ouiji board and swearing some unseen spirit was moving the arrow thing.

Looking back, the only thing encountered was probably a big healthy dose of asbestos, but it was fun at the time, especially that time we made some poor shmuck pee his pants. Over a decade later and we STILL give him a hard time about it, I even told his kids about it! Haw! Good times.

Anyway, I'm curious to joining this new group on one of their excursions with mixed reactions from friends and family.

One friend says it's such a stupid white thing to do. Black people already know the ghosts are there and thus feel no need to "find" them
My sister just called me a dork and act my age.

Oh, what the hell ever, I'm going regardless and I WILL fufill my lifelong dream of poking a ghost in the ass with a stick!!

Why? Why the hell not? I figure I have enough enemies on the mortal plain, time to start working on making some other worldly antagonists and nothing makes an enemy faster than poking them in the ass with a stick!

Dedicating songs

One thing that really irks me are people who use songs/music to express how they feel when they get into a fight with their significant other or want to tell them how much they mean to them.

What the fuck is that?? How emotionally inept do you have to be to use some god awful cliched pop song to tell someone how you are feeling. Oh boo hoo, so and so broke my heart and I really need to tell them how much they hurt me... I know! I'll play them some Avril Langverin--lanerine--lang whatever that canadian bitch's name is and maybe they'll understand.

Good god... what's even worse is when someone dedicates a song on the radio. Yeah, that's what I want to do... use some annoying douchebag dj as an intermediary for my personal relationships. Personally I'd be highly annoyed if some chick did that to me. If she has a problem with me or if she wants to tell me how much I mean to her then she'd damn well better tell me to my face. No matter how well intentioned the gesture may be, I don't need thousands of strangers knowing about my business.
If they HAVE to dedicate a song to me, it had better be a GOOD song for fuck's sake, I really don't want my relationship to be synonymous with Celine fucking Deon.

Ugh... this whole song dedication crap is right up there with people who quote random literary greats in an attempt to sound deeper than they are. Whoopdeedoo, you quoted Keats, you are so brilliant! But that's another story.

Bitten in the ass.... again.

A couple of days ago I get a call from a friend of mine I haven't heard from in over a year. It was a bit unusual since she was the last person I ever expected getting a call from, but anyway we did the whole catching up chit chat bit for a while until she asked if she could crash at my place for awhile.

Okay, it's not unusual for me to let people stay at my place if they've had too much to drink or are too tired to drive home, just doing my civic duty for the good of mankind and all that, but this time it was different.

I asked her why she wanted to spend the night at my place and she bluntly said that her ex boyfriend was out of prison and is looking for her...that's right OUT-OF-PRISON.
I thought she was joking at first, but she continued talking. Apparently the last time this guy found her, he tried to kill her which is the reason why he was in prison in the first place and now he's out and looking for her again.

So what does the dumb bitch do? She calls ME. What the fuck??! Well I didn't mince worlds, I promptly told her to never call me again delete my number from my phone and stay far FAR away from me right before hanging up.

This is what I get for being the guy who "listens and cares". People think they can call you up any time and burden you with their bullshit which is annoying enough,but when they possibly put MY LIFE in danger, well they can go straight to hell.

I guess I should feel concerned about this chick, but honestly I do NOT. Back in the day she was pretty cool and we were fairly tight, but she fell into the cliched old story of 'running with the wrong crowd' DESPITE my warnings and now she has ex con drug dealing psychos boyfriends after her... did I mention he was a big time drug dealer as well??

Spend the night at my place... did somebody put a safeplace sign on my door or something? Since when did I become a flophouse for losers??

Just let this show you that no good deed goes unpunished... I need to change my fucking number now.

It's okay not to give a shit.

Okay so a chick I used to date is getting married in a couple of weeks. How do I know this? Because she called me and told me so after six freaking years of hearing absolutely nothing from her. How did she get my cell number? Well, that's the shitty thing about having mutual friends with an ex girlfriend. I'm sure they didn't see the harm in giving her my number, but that didn't stop me from chewing them out anyway.

So she starts telling me about the upcoming wedding, how she's feeling, where the honeymoon is going to be at and blah, blah, blah until finally I told her: "I DON'T CARE." I really didn't...any emotional ties I had for this woman died a long time ago. I don't feel an malice towards her, in fact I don't feel anything at all... I'm just numb.

Anyway, I told her good luck with the marriage and asked her politely not to call me again before hanging up.
Sure it might have seemed a little cold and although it wasn't the prettiest of break ups, I've had a lot worse. I just don't have an interest in rekindling any kind of relationship with this particular woman and I don't care enough to go through the motions of "civility".

I can't believe all the time I've wasted listening to people I barely know yap about things I don't care about and I make things worse by actually feigning interest simply because I did not want to appear rude because, after all it's what is socially expected of me.
Most of the time these same people did NOT return the favor.
I remember practically begging these people (like the aforementioned happy bride) to listen and respect what I had to say which is just ridiculous and again, a huge waste of my time.

Nowadays I only listen to people I truly care about... there's no "going through the motions" with them because I am truly interested in what transpires in their lives. I also know they feel the same about me, true it's a small inner circle, but that's all I need... fuck my social obligations.

Skanks are funny.

Okay it's a well known fact that girls today dress like whores... it's an inescapable fact that everyone has just got to learn to accept.
However every now and then you see some chick who is so completely shameless that you can't help but laugh.

This happened to me yesterday at the grocery store when I saw some skank walk in with her boyfriend and she was wearing shorts that were so small, her ass cheeks were hanging out! When I saw that I couldn't stop myself from letting out a surprisingly loud chortle. Well this chick either heard me or she sudden attack of modesty because she began tugging on her shorts to cover her "shame", but each time she did that she would expose her butt crack, then she would try to cover her butt crack, but of course this would expose her butt cheeks once again. So there she was walking down the aisle struggling with her pants and showing crack, cheek, crack, cheek, crack, cheek. The only thing missing were hilarious cartoon sound effects!

Ah, those silly silly skanks... always good for a laugh.

Not what I wanted to hear.

Don't you hate it when you learn something about someone you know that you wish you didn't know? Don't you hate it more when that person is someone you consider a friend and mentor?

Well that happened to me the other day when I found out that a long time friend of mine who could easily be considered a surrogate "cool aunt" is allegedly some deranged nutcase who has psychotic obsessions on much younger men.

Of course I didn't want to believe it, but after asking around it seems like this is common knowledge. I mean I knew she was quirky and a tad eccentric,but I didn't know she was a total sexually deranged loon.

ugh... i can still feel the vomit creeping up my esophagus when I think about her doing the "freaky" things that she's allegedly into... it's very much like envisioning my mother... GAG! I can't even finish the sentence now!

Anyway, I'm going to seriously have to practice my poker face next time I see her... then again... when I think about it... she has been acting like a stuck up bitch for the past year. So maybe next time she fucking snubs me while she's with her friends, I'll have some ammo to use on her. That'll fix that obnoxious, old ass, deranged bitch!

sheesh... well I certainly did a 180 into evil bastard mode there... oh well, it keeps me entertained at least.

Fighting shopaholism at Steve and Barry's

So after listening to my friend yap on for about a week about this new store that opened up here called Steve and Barry's I finally decided to check the place out, especially after hearing them selling cheap name brand clothes.

I've never been much of a shopper and the only times I go out clothes shopping are when my old clothes are literally falling off of me.
Needless to say I went inside this store with zero expectations, well maybe not zero expectations... I was halfway expecting it to be some nasty thrift store sort of place.

Well to my surprise it wasn't... in fact it was pretty nice--somebody had actually put some money into the place. You would never know that it used to be an old Wal-mart store.

Okay, so the store looks nice, that doesn't mean their selection will be any good right? Surprisingly, it was a pretty good selection and the prices were pretty damn affordable and one thing I love is affordable! So I spent the next 30 minutes snatching up a bunch of two for whatever specials until I had two arms full of clothes.
I don't know how it happened... I had originally gone in to buy a shirt or two, but I ended up with 2 pairs of pants and six shirts!

Apparently I wasn't the only one to fall victim to this strange occurrence-- I saw a guy wandering around with a similar confused look on his face, carrying an even bigger pile of clothes, muttering to his friend that he needed to get out of there before he spent 300 bucks at the store (as he snatched up another shirt).

Well eventually I made my way to the check out and was pleasantly surprised when the total was barely sixty bucks! I also had to stop myself from laughing at the painfully obvious gay teller's lisp.

Well it looks like I've found my store to do my clothes shopping even though it's a little out of my way, which is probably a good thing since i would probably spend a hundred dollars a week there if it weren't. The only thing that saved me from spending that much this time was the fact that I was supposed to go see a movie with a friend of mine.

Oh well... the price I have to pay to look soooo good.

My life in a nutshell.

Click on image to enlarge.

Punching animals

I know everybody dreams about punching random animals in the face for the sake of doing it, it's our god given right to do so as human beings. So I made a quick list of some critters that deserve my fist in their faces.


A bee, as hard as I could. Sure bees do us a favor with pollination and all, but I'm sick and tired of them flying all around with those fucking stingers all "haha i own this place and if you piss me off i'm gonna sting you good, motherfucker!" yeah fuck you bee.

A gorilla.
And no I wouldn't stay around after punching it.

A Panda Bear, because all they give a fuck about is eating, they won't even fuck to save their own species.

I want to punch a Walrus in the stomach to see if the noise it makes resembles a friend's snore.


A mormon.

Tom Cruise's baby. I hate that thing. I want to punch it so hard. It's not human, it had a full head of dark ass hair straight out the womb.

I would love to punch a giant squid right in its eye, underwater in its own turf then I'd turn around and punch the sperm whale I hitched a ride on on to get to the squid. Blaow! Right in the blow hole!

---

koala, I cant think of a justifiable reason of why or a witty statement, but its the first thing I pictured punching in the face. It just seems like a perfect match, fist to koala face.

I'd also like to punch a Tasmanian devil in the face... the little fucks think they are so tough.... i'll punch it right in it's devil eye and knock it the fuck out.


I would want to punch and Emperor Penguin in the face.
I mean, it's tall enough that you don't have to really mess with your punching motion, and I'm sure being called an Emperor for so long has gone to it's head. Then I would step on its egg.

I'd punch a stingray in the face. Score one back for the ol' croc hunter. Keeeeyahhh!

---

A platypus, because you'd be hitting 4 different animals at the same time.

I think I have a rival.

The other day I'm chillin' at the bookstore surfing around with my laptop, looking like quite the pretentious coffee shop yuppie type when an old college buddy of mine drops by, looking just as yuppified with his fancy new shiny laptop.

We started talking about life, work, love, etc when he shows me some artwork he's doing for some client in LA. I have to admit it was some pretty cool stuff and I noticed it was done in the same medium I've been experimenting with for the past couple of weeks. So I pulled up some artwork of my own for him to look at... it's only natural right? "You show me yours, I'll show you mine" type of thing.

Well after looking at it, his expression kind of went blank as he looked it up and down. I asked him what he thought, he said "it's pretty good", but he said it like it was almost too painful to say.
Well after chatting for a half hour longer we said our good byes.

The next morning I get an attached email from him that simply said "check THIS out". That's exactly how he wrote it, emphasising "that" with bold caps.

Attached to the email was a illustration that admittedly was 10 times better than anything I could do in this particular medium. In fact it was downright beautiful.
What was the point of sending it to me out of the blue like that and why did he go through the extra effort of putting "this" in bold caps??

Is he threatened by me? I've only been working in this medium for two weeks while he's been doing it for eight years. Was this his way of putting me in my place?
Come to think of it, he's always said that he admires how quickly I can learn a new art style, but this was back when I was working in a completely different medium than his.

Maybe he's afraid that I'll surpass him at his own game and I'll "horn in" on his action.

Well if he sent me this pic to discourage me, then he'll be really disappointed when I use it as motivation to become even better. I don't really care if I surpass him or not, but he's given me a goal nevertheless.

NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!!

A personal message to a certain somebody:

I don't give up easily, especially if it's something worth fighting and sacrificing for. I'll abide by now and respect certain boundaries, allow wounds to heal, emotions to mend. No matter what tests the gods throw my way, no matter how monumental the labors may be there will be NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!!

I love saying that.

Thank you, Cheryl!

Thank you for talking me out of writing a potentially very damaging post about somebody I care a lot for during one of my male ego "rages". God knows my usual impulsive posting on this blog has gotten me in trouble with people before, but they don't really mean that much to me compared to her. SHE knows who I'm talkin' 'bout!

Anyway, thanks again! I owe you one.

Taken for granted.

Sheeeesh! It's about friggin' time! For some odd reason I've been having a bitch of a time logging into my blog, but all is well now.

Okay, something I've noticed as far as relationships go is that the more you make yourself unavailable to someone the more they find you attractive, but giving them love and affection (without being clingy) everyday tends to drive them away.

It's like some kid who has ignored a perfectly good toy for months until mom or dad come along to take it to goodwill and suddenly that toy becomes the best thing in the universe to the kid as he kicks and screams to hold onto it.

Now this isn't anything new, I know. It's a typical story of people taking things and other people for granted, I've been guilty of doing this a few times, but why do we do it? Why can't we appreciate that shiny little toy while we still have it? Why can we not see how much something or someone means to us until they're about to leave our lives forever?
Aren't we better than some snot nosed kid?

Sometimes people get lucky-- sometimes they see the light and manage to hold on to that special "someone" and treat it with the respect they deserve, but a lot of times it's just too little too late and they have lost them forever.

If you do have a special little somebody that you don't treat as well as you should, stop being such a selfish motherfucker, cut the BULLSHIT and let them know how special they are because they aren't going to be around forever.

Okay the conclusion of the post has almost nothing to do with the introduction, but at least SOME kind of point was made dammit!

Recycling Exes

Everyone knows that when you break up with some chick or dude that the natural reaction is to get together with a bunch of your friends and proceed to bash the hell out of them, berate and chastise every little thing about them that's ever annoyed you even though at the time you used to think that it was so cute. Hell, it's pretty much tradition to tear down the mile high pedestal you had built for your "soul mate" throughout the relationship.

Of course you have those extremely rare break ups where there is absolutely no animosity or malice involved. You actually look back on your former love and have nothing but fond and loving memories of them, but for some reason or another, it just didn't work out between you two.


Try as you might, you just can't come up with a feasible subject to rake them over the coals with... there's just nothing there.
For people who are new at this and are used to partaking in the age old tradition of bashing the ex, this may be a difficult experience for you to adjust to, but you've got to have SOME sort of release right??

Well that's where recycling your ex comes in! Sure, the most current ex may be perfect in almost every way, but I'm sure there are a least a dozen more who are pieces of shit! Hell I'm sure they've got enough flaws to spare!
Yeah, it may seem odd to your friends listening to you bitch about someone you dated four or five years ago, but that's not important.

You get to keep all those loving memories of your perfect former beloved while satisfying your need to vent and bitch about a worthless fucking ex who made your life miserable.


Then again you could try out just appreciating the fact that you don't have any negative thoughts about the ex and do away with the ranting and raving altogether-- that'll work too.

Stupid ass names

This is a small issue that just keeps bugging me. It's a form of child abuse, imo, to decide your son should have the name "Laurie" or "Shirley", for instance. Yes, those are real examples....guys named "Shirley" and "Laurie". Of all the masculine choices for names out there, even things that are completely made up....why go that route? It doesn't make sense, and only points out the undeniable fact that the parent is an inconsiderate asshole. I'm sure there's some kind of legal limitations, right? I'm sure I couldn't just name my son "Idiot Whore" or "Douchebag Jones".

There's outright stupid choices as well, such as "Keedryn" or "Lantrivet", or "LaQuacious"....but lately I've been more concerned about the "girly names for guys" issue. Why voluntarily put your son through something like that? For the sake of being original, you'd force your son into a lifetime of humiliation? Like already stated, that automatically means you're a worthless excuse for a parent, imo. Fortunately, my parents had some sense, and gave me a normal name.

That brings up the other end of the spectrum, the extreme common names:

Utterly bland names like "David Smith" or "Michael"whatever. Still, I'd rather have that than go thru life as a male named Shirley, Audry, Laurie, or Stacey(there's an actor named "Stacey Keach"...despite how macho he is, it is still a girl's name...it's usually a hot girl's name too, e.g. "Stacey Keibler"/) On the other hand...there's common named folks who became famous, such as John Williams(only the absolute greatest modern composer of movie soundtracks)

The names also put a strain on the potential for professional success. Future potential employers aren't likely to take a "Divonte" or "BarQuise" as seriously as they would a "Keith", Alexander, or "Richard". So on top of dooming your child to humiliation all thru the school years....you've also placed him into a constant uphill battle with regard to career later in life. Again, this proves a parent to be a real grade-a douche.

I knew a guy in school named "Sir Crease"(*note--the 2 words there; that was the first name.)....what the hell is that? Come on now. I could imagine being angry at mom and dad if I was named "Linda" or "Tiffany" despite being a male....oh they'd never hear the end of it....and I'd change my name asap.

The super TB asshole

This guy is unbelievable. I should start out by saying he's a personal injury lawyer.....so any moronic action from this guy should really be a surprise to no one.

In a nutshell....
*He's diagnosed in Atlanta with multi-drug resistant TB.
*At that point he's told NOT TO TRAVEL.
*He travels on a trans-atlantic flight to Greece.
*He then travels from Greece to Italy.
*The CDC in the interim confirms that his infection is XDR TB (meaning resistant to ALL KNOWN drugs used to treat TB). Not to mention that regular TB is air-borne and extremely contagious.
*CDC tracks this guy down in Italy. Tells him they're coming to get him in a CDC-chartered private plane.
*He gives the CDC the middle finger and travels (via another trans-atlantic public flight) to Canada.
*He flies deliberately to Canada (and not the USA) because he knows he's on a "no fly" list into the US.
*Travels from Canada to the USA via car.

Well.... wow... personally I think this guy should be tossed into a furnace. Not only did he have TB, but he had super turbo TB for fuck's sake!
If that wasn't ridiculous enough, next thing you know he's being interviewed on freakin' news! Was he in a special air tight cell deep inside a bunker? Hell no, it looked like he was a hotel room, the only thing separating the reporter from his disease ridden mouth is a fucking hankerchief .
You would think the reporter would be wearing a full haz mat suit, but no... they couldn't be bothered to wear such a cumbersome apparatus, it might mess up their hair or obscure the audience's view of their carefully rehearsed expressions of 'concern' or 'sympathy'

God, I just don't understand people sometimes.

Just dissect his ass for study and toss his carcass into the furnace already!

This is precisely why I don't like to fly, on every flight you will always have that one passenger coughing up a lung throughout the entire trip and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Sure, maybe it's the dry recycled air or maybe...just maybe it freaking SUPER TB!!!
Everyone panic!!!!!

Mind rot

I was at a friend's cookout party a couple of days ago, great party, nice people too--however a group of them started talking about tv shows that I have never heard of and from what they have described, I'm not missing a damn thing.

I got rid of my super duper deluxe cable a year ago and it looks like I made the right decision. The only channel I watch with any kind of regularity is the History channel and even that is starting to bore me. That would explain my newly rediscovered love affair with books... next thing you know I'll be sitting in a Starbucks, sipping some drink I can't even pronounce and wearing pretentious "smart" glasses I don't even need.
Peh, I'm more of a sitting under a tree reading a book kinda guy, but I'm weird like that.

Curious

I'm forever puzzled by the *situational homosexuality* that occurs so often in prison. I'd think that if a man were truly straight, he would not have sexual contact with another male; he would not desire that for any reason.....yet the aggressors in prison rape situations somehow get a pass on this!? Bullshyte, you raped a guy....it's a gay situation, there's really no question about it. At the very least, it's a bisexual thing I guess, but a man certainly can't claim to be straight after doing that. I also don't believe you can just change your "orientation" on the fly either. You can't magically become gay, or magically become straight.

More random things I hate.

-The whole "plus-size" bullshit and 300 pound women talking about being "beautiful" and railing against the discrimination of a world that refuses to accept their "natural beauty".
Bitch, you're fucking fat. You're not plus-size, you're not a big/strong/empowered woman, you are so fucking lazy and eat so damn much that you now have trouble walking short distances. Honestly, a friend of mine who's a nurse has told me many stories of people so fat that they broke their wrist trying to get up. Now that's just fucking ridiculous.

- People who criticize, but can't take criticism. If you can't take it then shut the fuck up and get out of my face.

- Church snobs. You're not any better than me or my parents because you go to church and like to pretend that you know something about Christ or religion in general. No, you are a smug, pompus asshole-- there's a big difference.

-Environmentalists: Stop talking so loud so that everybody will know within a 3 mile radius what you're attempting to save today by donating a small portion of your savings/giving blood/not eating animals. Help a real cause like inner city schools, AIDS research, cancer, youth programs and keep your smarminess to yourself! I can go out and do something nice and not have to rely on the reaction of others for that "warm fuzzy feeling", keep on fellating yourselves you pricks.

-"Thug life" and how so many of my fellow "bruhs" are apparently committed to anything and everything that makes black people in general look like retards. It's everything from speech to clothing to walking and even driving. Why take such pride in looking, sounding, and acting like a fool? It is especially prevalent in the South, where you find some of the most embarrasing examples of the race ever to walk the earth.

- Couch potatoes that watch stupid talk shows all day like jerry springer or dr.phil.

- hate girls/women who can't finish a single sentence without using the word "like". And all they talk about is "cute guys" and like...how cute they are.

- Rabid Liberals.

- the entire freeway suddenly brakes when a highway patrol is writing someone a ticket.

- Rabid Conservatives

- People who are terrified of silence and get on my case when I don't fill the air with idle chit chat. Just because I'm not talking doesn't mean I'm "angry" or having a bad time, it simply means that I don't have anything to say at the moment. Sheeesh, don't project your insecurities on me.

- People that are afraid to step out of their boundaries and try something new

Pure commercial hatred.

-herpes commercials......... It's like some nasty slut is on there like "It's not the end of the world for me, because I use valtrax" at the end it says "YOU CAN STILL PASS HERPES EVEN WHILE TAKING VALTREX" so it should be the end of the world for you, but you just don't care

-The geico commercials were already played out, with the "I just saved a bunch of car insurance blah blah blah" now they got this stupid lizard and its even more annoying.

They should just combine them all into one:

"'ello, luv. The bad news is it seems you've got 'erpes. I've got this medicine 'ere. It'll give you stomach pains, diarrhea, and more 'erpes."
"What's the good news?"
"I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico."

-"It's not lacking in meat, and that's what a real woman needs." Banshee cackle aside, fuck you, you ugly slut. God, I wanted to shove my foot in her cock garage for saying that!
As if the racial and sex stereotypes weren't bad enough, you have the bullshit sense of entitlement to a guy with a huge dick? Fuck you. Go get some fucking breast implants before bitching about size. By the way, the last thing I want to think about when I'm eating a damn sandwich for lunch is penis innuendo. Thanks for ruining my appetite, as if your looks didn't do that already.
Her friend was hot though.


Geico. So easy a caveman could do it.



-"Red Bull gives you wings!" No, it fucking doesn't. You know what else it doesn't give you? Competent artists and animators and voice actors and writers for your commercials. And you know what that doesn't give you, Red Bull? My fucking interest in your product and my money. How about you change your slogan to "Red Bull doesn't taste like shit anymore"? But make it true first.

Another weak ass commercial, but for Lean Pockets instead of Hot Pockets:

Bunch of retards playing poker when one of their girlfriends comes home. "GEE YOU GUYS ARE FOUR OF A KIND."

Squirelly Retard: FOUR OF A KIND???!!!! I FOLD!

....what? That's some of the gayest shit I've ever fucking seen, no offense to any gay people who might be reading this. But you should disown that fucking commercial, because that shit is so gay I'm sure it's responsible for hate crimes.

I like Ovaltine commercials, they remind me why I never hang out with Mormons... filthy animals.

I also hate those bodyspray commercials more than anything else. Are there really nerdy desperate guys expecting random models to break into their house and molest them as soon as they put the spray onto their acne-filled pasty bodies?

Oh god. the herpes commercial is on RIGHT NOW!

BLASPHEMY!!

So I was talking to my friend earlier today and the subject of pizza came up. We were talking about the kinds of things we've put on pizza, what's the best commericial pizza, etc and that's when he told me that he loves putting mayonaise on his pizza. Fucking MAYONAISE!
What kind of fucked up insanity is that??
Mayo on anything is pretty nasty, but Mayonnaise on a pizza is a SIN. The instant someone thought of that, God Himself should've come down in a flash of light, saying "wait, wait HOLD the fuck up. I will END you if you go any further with that."

I couldn't believe he would actually do that to nature's perfect food, Next time I see him in person, I'm going lay his ass out with a devastating right hook.

bleh!!

Pay the price, whore!

I usually don't give a flying fig about celebrity gossip, news, lives, etc, but I read that Paris Hilton got sentenced to jail for 45 days. Something about violating her parole. I think it's hilarious of course, especially after she allegedly broke down and cried, screaming "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" like the little spoiled punk ass she is, while her mother just shook her head in disbelief and also cried.
Of course she'll be doing this time in some rich cupcake prison, but maybe I'll be spared from looking at her ugly mug on every magazine for 45 days anyway.

But you know what gets me?? Is the disbelief that she and her mother have in regards to breaking the law. I mean people who get that rich just dont live in reality with the rest of us. They are shocked when they are actually called to account for breaking the law just like regular people.

So your daughter has to spend 45 nights in jail. Cry a fuckin river lady. Go console yourself with your billions. You at least had the benefit of a high priced lawyer to defend your ass. Joe blow would have had a public defender which is about as useful as an umbrella in a hurricane.

"But Im rich!!! I shouldnt have to obey the laws or get punished if I dont!!!!"


Its her mother's "rich untouchable" mentality that has allowed the paris hilton beast to come into being in the first place. Does the law care if you "didnt know" your license was suspended?? No. As far as the law is concerned, it is YOUR responsibility to KNOW what is going on with YOUR shit. Ignorance is not an excuse.

" oh well no one ever told me i couldnt drive" you know what paris? people prolly NEVER tell you "no"

I wish I could have been there to see that whore cry when the sentence was passed down.

Society is tired of seeing rich people get off the hook. Maybe they made an example of Paris because she is so high profile, but oh well.

Maybe paris should think about the fact that after she completes her 45 days in a minimum security jail for rich people she will go back to her lifestyle as if nothing happened. Any normal person who goes to jail has to deal with all sorts of shit when they come out. THey may have lost their job, their families may have distanced themselves, they may be facing financial crisis...
Anyway, i applaud the judge who handed out the sentence.

Heh, maybe we'll get really lucky and she ends up getting a shiv in the back!
I dream of that day--talk about someone who has nothing to offer the human race in any way--a true dead end in the gene pool.

__________________

immigrants

So today a bunch of people staged protests around the nation to raise awareness and support to give illegal immigrants full citizenship (yawn) by marching and boycotting and generally making a whole lot of racket.

One thing I couldn't help but notice is the lack of non hispanic illegal immigrants marching. What about the chinese, the hatians, the africans, canadians and various european illegal immigrants? Do they not qualify? Is this reserved only for the hispanic illegals? That hardly seems fair... I'm sure the afore mentioned non-hispanic immigrants work just as hard and are exploited just as much as they are so should they not get a piece of the citizenship pie?

When the government caves in (and they will... they pussies) and give the illegal hispanic immigrants full citizenship, I wonder if that includes the "other" illegals out there.

Because making just one group of people above the law is wrong.

Plumber's crack

Why does it still exist? In this day and age, why in the blue hell does it still exist??

I have never understood how someone can get dressed, go outside in public and not realize that their pants are hanging past their waist.
Are they in denial or do they just don't give a damn? Perhaps they just enjoy giving the world the privilege of beholding their hairy pimply glory as they bend over to pick up a random object.

I wonder how these people shop when I see them. Do they just pick out some random pair of pants that looks like it might come sort of close to fitting them and then say "Eh, close enough" and buy the pants without even trying them on? I guess since they can't be bothered to try on the pants itwould be too much to hope for them to buy a belt.

Maybe they truly don't know and all it would take is for someone to walk up to them and inform them that their hairy crevice is offending the general public. Of course no one ever does, myself included. I would much rather take a snapshot of the offending spectacle with my phone and send it to a few of my friends and remind them that I really do care that much.

The only people who can get away with the dreaded plumber's crack is a hot chick, of course they can get away with just about anything, but that's a rant for another day.

In the meantime, all you non hot chick peole rocking the crack, STOP IT. Jesus thanks you.

Book readin'

What's up with the social "rule" that books are this intellectually superior form of entertainment. No one ever wants to seriously challenge it, because people are always afraid of sounding dumb. Fuck that!

The social rules are that if you don't enjoy reading novels, you're an idiot.
Most Novels typically bore me to tears, but everyone who has met and known would also consider me to be an intelligent person....at least most of the time, heh. There's also my entire academic experience backing that up, so it's not just a huge ego saying this.

Of all the garbage that's typically assigned in English/Lit classes, the only things that were interesting to me were Native Son, Slaughterhouse five, most of Shakespeare's work and stories of mythology. The Scarlett Letter: trash. To Kill a Mocking Bird: garbage. A tale of two cities: fuck the French. It's amazing to me how these novels are considered classics, and always assigned in 9th or 10th grade.

My view of the game.

The Game™....the human mating ritual. At least in this (american) society, it is just overflowing with shocking amounts of bullshit. The amusing thing is, men don't even seem to care or really know how lopsided and fucked off things are. The women hold all the cards. That is an undeniable fact. They have ultimate control over whether or not you're getting any kind of progress. The amazing thing is....the average guy seems to somehow think we're still running the show. No, we have to do 99.99999999% of the work, and she gets to sit there like a queen bee, picking whoever she decides is worthy out of so many drones....if you don't meet her specifications, that's it... you are cast away like trash. Somehow, men in general don't seem to have a problem with this setup as they continue running the gauntlet like so many sheep.

Its true that women have to exert some kind of effort to gain the man's attention, but let's get serious here.
Women have to put for such a miniscule amount of effort to get attention, it's a joke. Shit, even ugly women get hit on, and can get action fairly easily....because men will fuck anything.

Imagine a 300 pound version of Whoopi Goldberg. Yes, somewhere out there, there is a guy who would hit that. Anyway, they have to look halfway decent, and even that isn't such a strong requirement. Compare this to all the things a man has to do to even seriously compete for a chance at getting some play. They buzz around the queen trying to gain the queens favor knowing that at any time, for any reason, she can cancel/veto everything to hell....and you're either FriendZoned, or you're nothing at all....you have to move on.

Annoying social norms

Ah, the elitism of sexuality...where the true close-minded nature of humanity rears its ugly head. Anyone who does not confrom to a very specific set of sexual "rules" and attractions is automatically seen in such a negative light.
If you're a voyeur, or a furry, or into the whole feet thing, tickling, or S&M, oh you're such a freak, and probably a loser....at least, that seems to be what society generally says. I don't understand certain other fetishes out there(e.g.--I just don't see how anyone can get turned on by getting pissed on.), I have friends who are into some really really unusual things, but as long as it doesn't involve kids or animals, I don't look down on them, but I do occassionally tease them... I'm not a fucking saint.

Another thing....the dumbest Man Law there is....one which I am in extreme violation of right now...we aren't supposed to complain. Got cancer? Shut up and be a man! Don't complain! Because EVERYTHING IS OK. Goddamn this world is trash in so many ways. I don't even have time to fully analyze all the examples of bullshit in life.

Oh then there'ss "THUG LIFE" in the hood. Why is it perfectly fine to adopt these behaviors and styles that only serve to make black and other "hood folks" to look like the dumbest examples of mankind ever to exist? Why take pride in looking like a fool with NO kind of home training, no kind of freaking class and NO respect for yourself or others, etc. etc.

okay I'm done.


for now.

Missing out on a good thing

---

I've actually never been in a REAL fight. I've only been in a couple of lame "scuffles" that I would hardly consider a knock down drag out brawl.

I kind of regret this, actually because grade-school is the perfect and only time in life to get in a fight without any major consequences happening. The only thing you had to worry about fighting someone in school, especially elementary was the threat of being suspended from school.
Ooooh such a big punishment there! The kid gets to stay home and play video games all day for about 3 or 4 days. Ha!

However, fighting in the adult working world is a different story: lawsuits, losing your job, prison and of course the possibility of getting shot/killed. All part of growing up I suppose.


Come to think of it, in today's schools you are liable to get shot along with a few dozen of your classmates if you beat up the wrong kid.

Well Elementary school in MY DAY was the time to fight, and I missed out.

You hate Bush I GET IT.

Why for the love of hairy chested GOD do people feel inclined to bore me with all the reasons they hate president Bush?
The ones that truly annoy me are the ones who don't really have a strong posistion. All they can do is yell blah blah blah *war in Iraq* blah blah blah *No blood for oil* blah blah blah *republicans are eviiiiilll!* and so on and so on.
Most of these fucks say this shit because it's the "cool" thing to do now and probably wouldn't even recognize the president if they were shown a photo of him.

I'm slightly more tolerant with the people who express their views rationally and calmly/or have a unique perspective that isn't influenced by some comedian or talentless celebrity, but the mother fuckers who shout you down if you even hint at disagreeing with them and quote Jon Stewart and that Colbert dork (man, I'd love to monkey stomp both of them) like they are some Jesus tag team need to die quickly.
I would expect that from my two year old niece, but I tolerate that from her because she's MY TWO YEAR OLD NIECE therefore, she doesn't get punched in the face.

Anyway, don't think I'm a rabid republican because I'm not, but I do **GASP** agree with some of their policies and I can say the same for the democrats, although they are increasingly becoming REALLY annoying, I'm just tired of listening to empty headed, loud mouthed harpies who insist on complicating my life with their existence.

Time for war

Well I've declared war on my body yet again. After a highly successful bulking cycle which resulted in some very impressive strength gain, in fact I can't remember the last time I've been this strong. That's all fine and dandy, but the drawback is that I gained a significant amount of weight. Hell, according to my BMI, I am now dangerously obese, of course that piece of shit measuring technique does not account for muscle mass. Although most of the weight gain has bean lean muscle mass, there was still enough bodyfat to turn my once proud six pack into a mini keg.

I don't like having a gut, no matter how small it is and so it's time to punish my body by dusting off my cutting routine that usually leaves me in a sweaty, wheezing lump, but it does get results.
I look forward to getting back to my fighting weight again even though my strength gains will probably diminish, but I think I can live with that.

I think I'm predjudice....

.... towards morbidly obese people. Some dude we are contracting came into my office a few minutes ago, nice guy, seems okay and all, but I had the strongest urge to punch in right in his bloated face simply because he happens to be extremely fat.

Everytime I see some gargantuan land beast waddling or rolling down the street in those little scooters fills me with disgust and I don't want to get anywhere near them because nine times out of ten they smell like burning garbage.

Some say it's a disease or some kind of imbalance, maybe or maybe not, actually I don't care how they got so huge, all I know is that I can't stand being around them.


As for the big fat ass co-worker, you would THINK that he would realize he has a problem when people literally have to hug the wall to let him walk by, but nooooo... he continues eating his fast food in his dirty little cubicle, slowly but surely gaining a pound a day.


Sheeesh! I'm gonna punch a fight kid right now!!!

Enough already.

Okay so this person I would barely consider an aquaintance is bitching and whining about trying to figure out the best way to make her marriage work with her estranged husband. Keep in mind these two have been "seperated" for about three years now even though they still sleep with each other and for some reason she asked me what she should do.

I suggested that she MIGHT want to stop flirting/fucking random douchebags on myspace when she's not fucking her husband. That's about as far as my Dr. Phil routine goes these days... like a friend of mine told me awhile back: "it's okay not to care."
Now THAT'S sound advice.

Delusions

I overheard a couple of douchebags complaining about the audacity of actress Selma Hayek getting knocked up. They were bitching about how they wouldn't fuck her now and how much of a waste it was that she chose to be a host for a gestating parasite. Okay that parasite thing is mine and how I personally view pregnancy, but that's another story.

Anyway, it blows my mind how these twenty nothing nobodies are talking like they actually have snowball's chance in HELL of getting within 1000 miles of Salma's, selma's, salmon's, (whatever) vagina.
They aren't alone, however, I can't remember all the times I've listened to people talk this way about some celebrity or public figure. Sure I can understand looking at some broad and saying that I would penetrate her with my bunker busting flesh missile. What raging heterosexual male doesn't?

However, you got the ones who just take it too damn far. One thing I find particular pathetic are the ones that actually keep track of when the latest assembly line, underaged teen pop star's turns the magical 18. There are actually websites that countdown to that "magical event.
My question is why? What happens when she does turn eighteen? Are they going to drive over to her mansion, knock on her door, where she'll no doubt surrender her precious virtue to some 30 something, fat ass, World of Warcraft playing fucktard?
Get the fuck outta here... more like that cloud of guilt will finally be lifted from all the times they've spanked the monkey to pictures of a sixteen year old little girl and somehow convince themselves that they aren't borderline pedeophiles.

Another example is that I saw a recent issue of Rolling Stone with a headline declaring "Thank God, Hilary Swank is single again!"
Um... so the FUCK what! Oh my god, you mean all those times before I was punching the clown to a married woman??!!! Oh, the scandal!

Jeebus titty fucking christ I don't care!!

Careful what you wish for

I found out today that the asshole that stole from me and I wished all kinds of death and misfortune upon was just moved out of intensive care after getting into a pretty serious car crash a few weeks ago.

As much as I despise this fucktard I'm glad he didn't actually die and I didn't exactly throw a party when I heard of his wreck (I didn't shed tears either). In fact it really didn't come to much of a surprise to me sense he's a pretty self-destructive individual.

Maybe he had time to reevaluate his life as he laid in his hospital bed with a breathing tube shoved down his throat. Maybe he'll think twice before lying and stealing from people who considered him a friend. Whatever... he'll probably come back a bigger dick sucking mother fucker than before.

Some may call this karma, but I call it me having incredible omnipotent dominion over fate itself.
Now if certain people would just spontaneously explode, I may be on to something here.

Yay!! Racism is alive and well!

So I've finally gotten into playing online games after years of saying that I would and discovered a rather interesting revelation about the online "community": They're are a LOT of bigoted people that play these games.

I encountered this first hand while playing some shoot 'em up game and listening to the people on the other end casually talke about random shit and all that when suddenly one of them goes on about how ALL black people love fried chicken.
This took me a little off guard because he obviously did not know that I was in fact black. I guess I don't sound "black" since I don't butcher the english language like so many hip hop and sports "icons" who are the only reference material little white kids like this have in life.

Instead of calling this little idiot out, I decided to keep quiet and let the dumbass continue his converation with his idiot friends. He goes on to say that he deduced this "fact" because he saw a family of black people eating friend chicken at Disney world. (oh my gawd!)
He also has "a black friend" whom he nearly got in a fight with because he came too close to his chicken and compared him to a wild animal.

Well it didn't take long for everyone to start cracking black jokes and spew outright racist views on the entire race in general, no surprise there, but what was surprising was that I continued to stay silent. I knew I had a rare view of human behavior when they believe they are with their own "kind". All poitical correctness goes right out the window and their true colors come right out (forgive the pun) when they think they are safe.
of course I've always known this, but to hear it first hand was just..... fascinating.


Well after awhile I finally decided to reveal my little "secret". After about a minute of stunned silence and another 5 minutes of them asking me if I was really black, I got the same old cliched excuses like "my best friend is black" and "I know a lot of black people" and other classic gems like those.

All I could do is laugh at them. It just wasn't worth cussing them out or threatening them, especially since they live thousands of miles away from me... of course it would be a different story if I could actually get my hands around their little throats, but one of them asked me on last time if I was indeed "african american" before I logged off.

This isn't just relegated to while gamers though. I had a similar experience with mexican gamers (I don't know why, I sound nothing like a mexican) as they spouted off a bunch of crap about asians.
However homophobia seems to unite all the races since there is a constant stream of anti-gay statements and insults spewing from everybody.

Anyway, I started playing online games to brutally kill alien monsters and such, but I think they're a much better tool at studying the darkside of human nature.

I feel like Jane Goodall studying the chimps except I have a penis.

A random confession (again)

People wonder why I sometimes I don't seem to want to make eye contact, ever since I was a little kid. Oh they've come up with theories like "he's shy" or "he's done something wrong" and a host of psychiatric and psychological "problems".

In reality, it was none of those things... the reason for my occassional aloofness is simple.... funky breath. That's it....
Seriously, some people walk around with a mouth that smells like an open septic tank and they don't really seem to give a damn as they talk to me, mere inches from my face and I really have to concentrate on not passing out or just gagging, hell depending on who the person is, I just back the hell away from them.

Ever since I became aware that the human mouth can be "stinky" (about 6 years old) I've always been concious of my own oral hygiene and I took my brushing more seriously... plus, my kindergarten 'sweetheart' telling me that my breath reeked was excellent motivation as well.

I always have a pack of gum on me and I usually even take a tooth brush and toothpaste to work with me as well.

Sometimes however, I don't have either of those at my disposal and inevitably I have to interact with someone when my breath isn't its freshess and my only defense to avoid any embarassing incidents is to avoid any close face to face contact.
Some may consider it rude, but I'll tell you what's rude.... getting hit square in the face with category 5 ass breath.

I would rather talk to the back of someone's head than go through that ordeal and I wouldn't be offended if they held the same sentiment with me, I'm usually straight forward with people if I'm stinky and ask for a piece of gum... it's not that hard.


So if you know me and you've seen be demonstrated this "avoidance behavior" with you or someone else, put down your 'Psychiatry for Dummies' book and pop a couple of tic tacs.

come on, people.

Situational homosexuality? Uh.... why?

So what's the deal with the situational homosexuality in prison/jail? I don't understand this. I admit that I would most likely do whatever if the price was right.....sheeeit...give me a few million dollars tax free and even I'd consider going "gay", provided that I'm the pitcher and not the catcher. That example of "situational homosexuality" at least has some reasonable(imo) purpose...it yields the obvious benefit of MONEY. Serious money.

Homo acts in prison yield NOTHING but the gay act itself. This does not compute. If there's not a lot of money at stake...why would a supposedly straight man magically "transform" into a homosexual, simply because he is in jail? This truly makes no sense. I strongly doubt that the natural sexual desire of any person is powerful enough to prompt them to just switch their sexual preference JUST for the sake of getting off. There's always masterbation if that's all you want....and even there, it's not really a need on the same level as drinking and eating. No food and water = death. No orgasm = sexual frustration, but you'll live. It's not that critical.

*oh, and what was the deal with the rampant gayness of ancient Rome? So...an entire society of men....gay because...it's in style?! The hell?

The Honda Element

It amazes me how this piece of crap looking eyesore is steadily becoming more and more popular.

How can so many people have such bad taste...the thing looks like a child's toy car...a pre-school toy. It kind of looks like a little lunchbox on wheels. It's almost as boxy as that damn Scion, just a bit more "dorkish" in the overall look. If ever there was a vehicle that screams 80s era insult "DORK.", the Element is it. At least it is not as hideously ugly as the legendary El Camino....but it's still bad, and annoyingly commonplace, somehow. It's always the same type driving this lunchbox ass car.....a hopelessly uncool white mid 40s-ish dad with glasses....sometimes they look like William H. Macy.....anyway, it's always a tragically un-hip, uncool bastard, who probably always got pushed down by female bullies back when he was in 7th grade...and he's driving what might be the most uncool vehicle of all time. It's either him, or his frumpy wife at the wheel. The cartoon equivalent of the Honda Element owner is of course...Ned "Okily Dokily!"Flanders. I'm not sure what's worse....the Element, or that obscene monstrosity, the Pontiac Aztek.

A kindred spirit

This is guy is truly a man after my own heart. Listening to this guy talk is almost like listening to myself except I'm much better looking. I suggest you pay his site a little visit as well. You might learn something. INFIDEL GUY.

What the fuck is going on here??

So I just heard that Anna Nicole Smith died... how did I hear about it? BECAUSE IT'S ON EVERY FUCKING CHANNEL THAT'S WHY!! Seriously, I was watching Cnn and suddenly in great big bright letters flash "BREAKING NEWS!! with dramatic music. I about fell out of my chair thinking "holy shit!! It's them damn terrorists again!! They must've nuked New York! Or maybe we're invading Iran!! Whatever it is it must be horribly bad to garner this much attention!"

Well it was far from the case... instead of a national emergency, it just turns out that some dumb blonde texan, gold digging, druggy bimbo died.
I cannot believe how much coverage they are giving this fucking junkie... you would think that a national hero had died.

They're showing "highlights" of her life and let me tell you, it's nothing to be proud of. When she's not as big as a house stuffing entire cows down in her mouth, she's babbling some strange drug induced jibba jabba and basically making an ass out of herself.

I have to admit, back in her day she was prime spanking material for me when I was a horny high school kid, but that's where her legacy ends as far as I'm concerned.

I don't think I've seen this much news coverage since 911, it's freaking ridiculous.

Wow I have just suddenly lost interest in this in mid rant... seriously, I have no desire continuing on with this. I'm done.

Hopefully the media will do the same soon.

Mini Gym rant

I swear going to the gym sucks balls especially when you have to wait on a bunch of chatty meatheads who would rather hog a piece of equipment and yap about some inane crap like a bunch of little girls. Seriously, I halfway expect them to start doing each others' hair and gossip about boys or some crap.

Asking to work in with them usually doesn't do any good when there's about five of them and you have to wait until each of them EVENTUALLY gets done doing their set and in the meantime they're yapping about muscle cars, wife/girlfriend drama and lord knows what else.

I like manly man talk as much as the next guy and there's nothing wrong with yucking it up with your buddies in the gym, but if you do more talking than lifting then you should go on over to the designated non lifting areas of the gym or just hang out at the cardio machines with the other women.

Fucking 3d movies.

Everyone just jumped on the bandwagon. "OMG! KIDS LIKE CUMPOOTER ANIMATED DOG POO! WE'LL MAKE MILLIONZ! AMIRITE!?". And the sad thing is that it's true. Kids will love anything cartoony. Heck, think about the good times you had watching Pee Wee's Playhouse. Now think about how you felt when you saw an episode last month on Adult Swim. Next thing you know you're wondering if the producers were on LSD.

Besides that it's cheaper and faster to have a couple of people at a computer building models than to have an entire studio hand drawing, inking, and paneling. Hand drawn animation (outside of Asia) is dead. Cheap bastards.

Seems like there's a new 3d movie out every fucking week and most of them are fucking forgettable. I can count on one freakin' hand the number of movies out of hundreds that didn't suck complete and total uterus... well the ones I even bothered to watch. The premise of most of them makes me want to throw a puppy through my television:
It deals with some crazy group of animals that learn some stupid ass life lesson, The end, roll credits and I die inside just a little bit more.

Fuuuck.

Big ASS trucks.

Why do people drive them? I'm not talking about your mid sized or even full sized trucks, I'm talking about the HUGE trucks that are slightly smaller than I semi.
I can't understand why people drive them in everyday life. (I'll refrain from making the obligatory over compensation for a small penis quip.)

No, I won't go on and on about how bad they are for the enviroment and other tree hugging hippie bullshit. The fact is, I like the big trucks and I wouldn't mind driving one either. However, I would drive it when I needed it. Like when I need to
move furniture or pull out tree stumps or haul a small house across town, etc.

For everything else I'll drive a regular sized car.
Driving a huge 500 horsepower diesel monster truck to go grocery shopping doesn't make any damn sense. It just seems like a waste... it's like driving a bulldozer to go to work.
But I guess there are people out there who don't mind spending a small fortune fueling up their giant artificial penis mobiles (okay, I couldn't resist).

Anyway, like I said, I don't have anything against oversized trucks. I believe they serve a purpose and there are some things that only they can do and admittedly they are fun to drive, but, like a bulldozer (I've driven both), once you're done with the job you leave it in the garage until you need it again.

In the meantime drive something more sensible and stop worrying about your painfully average dick.

You're mine now, bitch

FINALLY after almost 2 months and hundreds of design sketches, I finally came up with a mothership design for my sci-fi animated piece. I mean you can't create an ass kickin' interstellar cyber babe without having a ridiculously over the top massive alien mother ship to fight now can you?

Those of you who know me and are in the loop know what I'm talking about, those of you don't, forgeddaboutit.

Scooby fucking Doo

Well I heard the creator of Scooby Doo recently died. I also found out that he was japanese (who knew?)

So in honor of Mr. Iwao Takamoto I thought I bash his legacy simply because I can.


I realized long ago that whenever I watched Scooby Doo as a kid, I'd just sit there and wait for something funny/entertaining to happen.


It never fucking happened.

Ever.

There was a fucking laugh track and EVERYTHING. BUT NOTHING FUNNY EVER HAPPENED ON THAT SHOW. As a kid it was just sorta uninteresting. As an adult, the show is literally unwatchable.

Here's the Scooby Doo breakdown:

Scooby is a coward who eats sandwiches, and later Scooby Snacks.

Shaggy is just sort of dishevled and out of it. I don't know what his deal was, really. Obviously based after some stoner hippie, so all he really did was act high and eat big sandwiches. He was also a coward.

Freddy was the rich white boy who nobody liked, sorta like Freddie Prinze Jr. who plays him in the movies.

Daphne was rich and pretty; so, much like in real life, she didn't do fucking ANYTHING, and nobody really pointed this fact out. She was just there because they needed a pretty girl on the show.

Velma, considering the above, was dissed by Daphne's very existence, and she does all the work. But, much like in real life, nobody likes her because Daphne jacks all of her attention. She always wore a sweater, regardless of where they were. And she wore glasses- that means she's SMART.

They traveled around in a fucked up old van called...get ready, this will blow your mind...The Mystery Machine. OH SHIT! Because they solved MYSTERIES, get it? Yeah. Genius.

There would be some crazy shit going on, but instead of having actual detectives check things out, they let the stoner and his dog (lazy cowardly dog who does nothing but eat and speak unintelligibly. Funny how that works out), along with the pretty girl who serves no purpose and The Girl who could be a Lesbian But Nobody Really Wants To Ask.

Of course, everyone, including the police if they actually showed up, figured the problem was ghosts or something. I mean, that's the natural conclusion to jump to...A bunch of money is missing from the bank? Oh, must be ghosts! Point me in the direction of that dumb ass town so I can rob them blind!

So they do nothing for 20 minutes (the laugh track goes off at random intervals at shit that wasn't even funny), and then Velma figures out it's not a fucking ghost or an alien, but the infinitely-more-likely "guy wearing a mask." No shit?

Then the guy in the mask says "...and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you darned kids!!"

This was every episode of the series. And there were like seventy-nine thousand of them!


It would be so fucking sweet to see Velma just go the fuck OFF on the rest of the crew for like 10 minutes straight. And then end that shit with "I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS, JINKIES GOD DAMN FUCK!!!"

There was an early 90s cartoon called A Pup Named Scooby Doo, which was actually pretty good because it didn't take itself too seriously and it constantly mocked the stupidity of the original show.

Such a terrible show. I would literally rather watch an old man jack off while Creed played in the background for 30 minutes than watch old Scooby Doo episodes. Terrible. Fucking terrible.

Don't get me started about Scrappy.

Oh yeah, RIP, Iwao Takamoto

I don't get it.

Why is it when some people break up with someone they deny ever having feelings for them?

Now I understand the therapeutic benefits of trash talking the ex and ridiculing everything about them from how much of a lousy cook they were to how horribly bad they are in bed and blah blah blah.
I don't have a problem with that, in fact it's kind of fun. What I do have a problem with is when they deny caring about the person in the first place.

Give me a break... it never fails to make me laugh when I hear these people go on and on and on about how they weren't really "into" the person in the first place when only a month ago, I'm being bored to tears about how "wonderful" he/she was and how their shit smelled like fucking daffodils.

Who are they trying to kid? Don't they realize how stupid they sound? I understand wanting to salvage their wounded pride, but denial isn't the answer.
The only thing worse than being lied to is lying to yourself.

Personally, I've had my share of shitty relationships, but never once, no matter how much I hate the person now, did I ever take back or deny all the loving things I said and felt for them. Hell, I got invovled with them for SOME reason after all and since I'm not one of those types that actively seeks out abusive realationships, that means I really (GASP) liked the person at one point.

I'll give anyone credit when they deserve it even if they're a lowly piece of shit who isn't worthy to be in the same zipcode as me.

I know it may be a hard thing to do, espcially if the person really did you wrong, but admitting any good things about them doesn't make you a weak person or gives them power over you. Quite the opposite. You can tell your friends how much of a cool person your ex was as you hack into his/her bank account and ruin their lives.

*evil laugh*