FAT CHICKS small clothes

If you seen it you know what Im talking about,

like 450 lb people trying to wear a size 10!

I was at my fave pancake joint a few days back and this huge obese land whale of a lady
sits in front of me,

-this lady is the size of Big Pun, wearing bluejeans that
were meant for a Halle Berry sized person and she obstructed my view of the sun.

I was tempted to say, "Excuse me maam,
does that button have to pop off and land in Europe somewhere before you realize those pants are too fucking small?"
*Shudder*
Now as everyone knows, I like my wimmen with curves and some meat on their bones, but there is a line!


Signs if you're too big:
-If you cant move once the clothes are on.
-If you put on a pair of shorts and they dissapear moments later
-If your bluejeans have stretchmarks on them.
-If the button pops off and shoots the dog through the forehead.
-If you use a shoehorn to put clothes on.
-If you shoes looks like you're baking bread in them.
-If the belt makes snapping sounds.
-If the clothes don't come off.
-If the lower-case letters on your shirt become Capital letters.
-If you Live in a spandex house.
-If you have to grease your pants.
.
I don't get it. Why do these hippos just buy bigger clothing and stop deluding themselves not to mention making me taste
my own bile. Bleech.

My take on Terry Shiavo

In heaven can you imagine the injustice Terry will surely endure? She will be the laughing stock of the pearly gates. Mother Teresa and her cilqe will chuckle snidely in the heaven locker room as she is changing. "I thought she was bulimic?! Look at her thighs!"

And imagine how pissed the pope is going to be? This guy was supposed to die a month ago. But he couldn't cause this damn woman is taking all his damn heat!!! I have no doubts when Terry meets John Paul II he's going to give her a thourough verbal lashing. (Jesus style) "I'm the ambassador of god! Who the fuck do you think you are, bitch?!"

But if we are to follow the fundamentalist train of thought who says she will be going to heaven? Technically she is committing suicide.

All kidding aside... this poor woman. All she wanted to do is be skinny. Now all she is a object of ambitious politicians looking to remain in office and push their own agendas. Good lord, they could at least grant her a quick death. I heard her skin is starting to peel and bleed because of dehydration. That's pretty fucked up. The "experts" say she doesn't feel any pain at all, but the truth is, doctors have no way of knowing what coma patients are going through. Hell, they can't even cure the common fucking cold. Basically they're just guessing. Imagine going through unrelenting, unbearable pain and suffering and you can't even scream. NOT my idea of a fun time.

I usually don't involve myself in these kind of affairs unless they affect me personally, but I don't know why, but I had to comment on this. Maybe it's because it's easter. Maybe it's because I'm full of my mom's incredible home cooking that's lulled me into this rare sense empathy. Maybe it's because I'm going through a somewhat serious crisis myself and talking about the Shiavo case puts things in perspective. Who knows. I just had to say something.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

It's a beautiful Friday afternoon, the birds are singing, flowers are blooming, women are wearing less clothes and yet here I am in some crummy building, bombarded by fluorescent light, hassled by attention starved dogs, sitting in my office writing in this stupid ass blog. Fuck it! I'm getting out of here and headed to the nearest bike trail damn it! Later.

CHICK HAIR. (another kick in the groin)

What's the deal with girls who walk around with mustaches? I'm not talking some Geraldo Rivera action, but like some 13-year-old boy peach fuzz. Why don't they mow that badboy down!?! If I can see it in the three seconds it took me to walk past you then you most certainly should have been able to when you were primping up before coming out.

NOTE: This post was set off by a cute girl that works at the local grocery store a couple of blocks from where I work. Nice body, cute face, nice personality...BUT SHE HAS A FUCKING MUSTACHE! When I first crept up on her (yes, in that pervy way) I was thinking "good times" but then she turned around and HOLY SWEET BABY JESUS HERE'S A SPONGE TO SOAK UP ALL THOSE TEARS! Here I am thinking I'm stepping up to J-Lo and she turns out to be Groucho! Marx, that is. Peep THIS if you don't know who the hell I'm talking about. Seriously, I think my MAN STICK™ turned into a toothpick.

I can understand the really, really, really, really busted girl who doesn't have a chance no matter what she does (I wouldn't blame Rosie O'Donnell or Janet Reno for sporting a 'stache, who would even notice?), but when a relatively cute girl could go from a 3 to a 7-9 with a little help from the Lady Gillette, why the hell not?

Of course there's the issue of heredity. I can't hate on a girl (too much) for getting a bad genetic hand dealt to her; that's just unlucky. But take care of that shit! This is the 21st fucking century!
Nair that shit off, burn that shit off, wax that shit off, toxic waste that shit off...So many options, so little sense for them not to choose one of them and stick to it!

I should really start looking at women's faces first.

Filthy women (incredibly random rant)

disgusting

Why are men always thought of to be dirty, smelly, sloppy, shiftless slobs? Why is it accepted that men are biologically incapable of cleaning up after ourselves? If we do clean up after ourselves, we're considered freaks or just gay.
Meanwhile, women are seen as the clean, perfumey, tidy, champions of cleanliness whose shit smells like wild mango or something.
Well, coming from someone who has lived among them for years, I'm here to tell you it's all lies! LIES! VILE LIES! The truth is, women are the most vile and dirty creatures on the planet! OH it's true!!

I discovered this revelation back when I was a snot nosed 16 year old working at Kroger. I was a young, naive, trusting little bastich who was so excited about working my new job and I was so very eager to please my supervisors. So when they asked me to clean the women's bathroom one day, I was more than willing to do so. I didn't notice the looks my co-workers gave me as I walked towards the bathroom. It was like they were watching some death row prisoner going to meet his fate on ol' sparky.
Anyway, I reached my destination and opened the door. Like everyone else, I believed that women were so much cleaner than men and cleaning up the women's bathroom would just consist of cleaning the mirrors or changing out the toilet paper and MAYBE picking up a stray tissue or two. I was in for one if the biggest wake up calls of my life!
Well the first thing I noticed was the smell. My god the smell! It was like a mixture of baby shit and tuna fish! What in the name of all that's holy?!! Oh it's gets even better. That's also the day that I found out about those fucking used tampon containers. I don't know if every fucking women in town synced up their periods but every mother fucking one of those containers were full! So I had to empty these blood soaked boxes without succumbing to the urge of puking my lungs out. It was even worse when some of them would get stuck and I had to pull them out by hand! That's a fucking biohazard I was exposed to! Thank god for rubber gloves!
Some bitches couldn't be bothered with going through the trouble of dumping their pads in a box that was foot away from the toilet. No, these fucktards actually tried to flush their pads down the toilet! Guess who had the privilage of plunger duty?

Oh, then there's the fucking issue of the baby changing station. Babies equal shit. Shit equals dirty diapers. Dirty diapers means trash can full of dirty fucking diapers!! Jeeeezus! What the hell are they feeding these little fuckers?? The trash cans were packed so tightly with shit diapers, I had to use the jaws of life to empty them! Of course you had the occassional stray diapers on the floor and in the fucking toilet! Flushing a diaper down a toilet!! WHAT IN THE FUCK!!!

And what is up with women and fucking tissue?? Tissue was freaking everywhere and the rolls needed to be changed at least 3 times a day!

Anyway, after I emerged from that estrogenical hell, I was a changed man. All preconceived notions about a woman's prestine hygeine changed forever. Every retail or restuarant job I had, it was the same story with the women's bathroom.

It's not just regulated to the bathroom either. When I lived with two of them, I found out that they were worse than any male roommate I've ever had when it came to cleanliness. It was so bad, I was ashamed to bring anyone over because the place smelled like cat shit since neither of the broads could be bothered with emptying their cats' fucking litter boxes.
Oh and that little theory about women's shit not stinking? That's a big crock. In fact some of the foulest smelling shit bombs I've ever smelled came from the bathroom of my female roommates! God it smelled like someone aborted a cow fetus and left it to rot in the bath tub. Why do women take baths anyway? They're just soaking in their own filth. I don't care how many scented candles you light or how many scented beads and bubble shit you put in there, you still leave a ring like everybody else.

A lot of my female friends are hopeless slobs as well. I love 'em to death, but they're still slobs.
I'm no clean freak myself, in fact, the only time I clean up my place is if my mom is coming over for a visit or if I have a girlfriend. I never claimed I wasn't a slob, but it pisses me off when chicks turn their noses up and dismiss me as a typical male slob when I don't close the fucking toilet seat. Meanwhile, they're living in a fucking cesspool of filth that would make Oscar the Grouch puke in disgust.
Oh yeah... girls fart too! It's true! Those broads must be holding it in all day because once they get home, all flatulant hell is unleashed! Yeah, that same rancid aborted rotting cow fetus smell eminates throughout the room. This is why we men fart throughout the day. We know that holding it in only causes more powerful smelling farts and nobody wants that. Women have yet to figure this out.

I could go on, but I don't want to.

LIE TO YOUR KIDS!!

mommy smokes crack

I was hanging out with a few friends of mine last night and we were discussing on how we would handle our kids if we caught them doing drugs. One friend in particular said he would feel like kind of a hypocrite telling his kid that it is wrong to do drugs since he liked to smoke the chronic back in the day. I immediately stood up slapped him across the face and said "SO WHAT??"

The LAST thing you wanna do is be honest with your child when it comes to shit like this! You don't EVER tell them under ANY circumstances that you used to do drugs yourself! The little fuckers will use that shit againse you in a heart beat so when they say the inevitable "well YOU did it, too!" after you get on your morale high horse, you're absolutely FUCKED, you've lost all respect from you offspring and you instantly become a joke and YOU'LL get blamed when your kid becomes some whacked out junkie. All because you had to be honest with your fucking kid.

FUCK honesty! I don't care if you're the biggest crack smokin', reefer puffin', coke snortin', pill poppin', smack head on the east coast, you don't EVER tell your fucking kid that! If they ask you if you've ever done any drugs, you look at them straight in the eye and say "HELL NO!!" DRUGS ARE EVIL! I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A HORRIBLE THING AND YOU'D BETTER NOT EITHER!!" See? It's that simple. You keep your position of saintly authority and the little fucker is none the wiser. Just make sure you put away your crack pipe before you give your holier than thou speech.

Bottom line is, sometimes you have to lie to your fucking kid to keep them on the right path. That's what parents do. Don't try to be your kids' "buddy" or "homeboy", be their fucking parent!! Besides, why the FUCK would you tell your kid that you got high back in the day anyway? Shit since you're being so damn honest with the little troll, you may as well tell them how you like to video tape mommy getting gangbanged by radom strangers while you stick a 10 inch dildo up your ass.
There are some things kids just don't need to know!

Another friend of mine chimed in and brought up a good point, by saying you should only tell your kids about your past when they are grown (age 21+). My parents lied to me for years about various things that I'm just finding out recently. I don't hold any grudge or some sense of outrage. In fact I'm grateful to them for it. If I knew then what I know now about them, that would have truly fucked up my childhood somethin' fierce!

That's why when of if I start droppin' kids I'm gonna be the biggest fuckin' liar you ever did see and my children will LOVE me for it!

If they know what's good for them.

Incident at the library

The other day I was at the public library checking my email and surfing the web for no good reason when I got a text from a friend of mine. While I was texting them back, one of the clerks walks by my computer and pauses for a second. I look up and saw what caught her attention. Apparently for some unknown reason my computer suddenly linked to a masturbation forum all by itself while I was busy texting! I was completely unaware!
Anyway, eventually I made the "walk of shame" past the clerk's desk and I'm sure by now that she had told all her co-workers about the incident so I decided FUCK IT and held up the palm of my hand and gave her a seductive wink as I walked past her.
She made a look of utter revulsion and looked like she was gonna call the cops, but we both know that she wanted a piece of my MAN STICK™.

I need to find a new public library.

Wanna see a dead body?

Last weekend I visited my friend at her job in the mortuary and she took me on a tour of the place. Eventually she asked me if I wanted to see where the bodies were and I said hell yeah!
The building itself was pretty damn awesome. Built in the 20s or 30s, it had a lot of history behind it. It's even more amazing that this building was right in the middle of the hood.

Anyway, we go to the basement and she opened the door to the embalming room and that's where I saw the bodies. I immediately felt a sense of mortality, staring at these cold, lifeless husks of empty flesh. No matter who you are, how you grew up, or how rich or poor you become, we all end up on some cold metal slab waiting to be pumped full of chemicals and put in the ground or burned into ash. Quite a humbling experience to say the least.

Then I got mad at myself for leaving my poking stick in the car.

Another observation

Ever notice when you have sex with a girl, her entire demeanor changes? She can be the frumpiess most plain looking girl on the planet, but when you start sticking your meat stick in her promise land, she morphs into something else. Her unimpressive dull eyes suddenly become these sexual chauldrons of uninhibited lust, particularly when she's sucking you off. Her annoying shrill voice suddenly lowers to a level that makes Jessica Rabbit sound like Betty Boop. Her somewhat average body suddenly explodes into a writhing, pulsing, girating mass of pure sexual energy. Her ho hum hair becomes of wild tangle of sinful pleasure that drives you insane as it caresses your body and it seductively covers her face as she stares intensely at you with those firery eyes of hers.

After you unleash your load and look over at the girl, you find out to your horror, that she has morphed back into the frumpy ol' plain Jane that barely interested you enough to get wood in the first place.

Is there some kind of chemical in our bodies that tricks our senses when we're horny? Is it the lack of bloodflow to the brain that causes mild hallucinations?
Personally I think it's some kind of shady jedi mind trick women employ to ensnare men because everyone knows that women are inheritly evil like that.

Have I mentioned I haven't had sex in four months?

You know your monkey ass is drunk when....

Late last night after having some drinks with a friend of mine, I decided to do a little shopping. I got my usual shit and was going on my merry way, when I briefly got distracted by something. I continued my shopping and it took me a full 20 minutes to realize that I was pushing an empty cart. I left my cart on the other side of the store. Scary thing is, I have no fucking idea how the hell I ended up with an empty cart in the first place! I don't even know why I was walking around for 20 fucking minutes in the first place! I think I was looking for popcorn.... patio furniture. I don't know what the hell I was looking for!

I decided to hang around the store for awhile and drink a bunch of water before driving home. So fucked up.

The touch of birth

Okay, apparently I have the power to make pregnant women to suddenly go into labor.

I visited my sis a couple days ago to help move some furniture around the joint and hung around for a awhile to mooch off their cable. Eventually I got up to leave, but not before poking my sis in her belly with my finger and headed out.
The next day at work I get a call from my mother that I was now an uncle again. Apparently my sister started having contractions 30 minutes after I left. I must've hit a nerve cluster that promoted this sudden birth since the kid wasn't due for another 2 weeks! Or maybe I'm just a god. Do not be afraid, my children. I bring you the gift of life! *angels sing before combusting*

Another crazy thing is, that when I pulled out of the driveway that night, Etta Jame's song "born under a bad sign" was playing in my car. WOOOOOooooooOOOOoooo! Spoooky! Hopefully this little crumb snatcher won't grow up to be some evil monster bitch or something.

Random confession 3

When I make sweet love to a girl for the first time I like to lay there with her, feeling her, touching her. Absorbing the sexual energy of her being and being one with her contentment. I enhance this feeling of unity by gently caressing her body with my finger covering her with loving and deliberate strokes, showing her just how much I care for her and how much she means to me.

Or so that's what she thinks.

In reality, I'm just writing what number she is over and over.

Meh. As long as she's enjoying herself.

You know you have WAY too many girlfriends when...

I'm sitting at the Mellow Mushroom with a bunch of girls who are yappin' about how birth control pills can help control the severity of their periods and bleeding and blah, blah, blah and instead of vomiting in horror, I actually sit there. Unphased. Unmoved. Quietly sipping my drink because I have heard all this before a billion times over. In fact I actually threw in some knowledge of my own!
It's as if they no longer fear my mighty penis and have accepted me into their pack! What an excellent opportunity to finally unravel the mystery that has baffled scientist for centuries. The mystery of the human female. Think of the wonderful possibilities and break throughs that I could unlock from their odd twisted brains. Fuck the Human Genome Project, THIS, by can benefit the human race infinitely more. NO! Not just the human race! For all life in the universe itself!!

Bah. Who am I kidding. I'll just use my newfound knowledge to get laid a few times before I'm cast out of the female collective and be forever be labeled an "asshole".

Facing the truth.

This girl I met a couple weeks back recently confided to me that she "really liked me" and would love to see more of me and I'm not just talking about hanging out either. She's a great girl, very funny, cute, plays a mean game of pool and appreciates the art of sarcasm. Only problem is... I'm just not feeling her in that way.
So I did the unthinkable. I did something so unbeliveably unprecedented so fucked up INSANE and nutty to this girl....
I told her the truth.
I told her that I wasn't ready to get into a relationship right now since I'm still carrying baggage from my "friend" who moved to Washington. Yeah, yeah, officially we never went past the friendship stage, but it obviously evolved into something more than that. I aknowledge it and there's no use denying it.
ANYway, I left out those particular specifics and just told her if we did start dating it wouldn't be fair to her since I couldn't put 100 percent into the relationship due to my "baggage".

It's a very shitty feeling to find out that you were just somebody's temp to help them "get over" their feelings from a previous relationship when they're clearly not ready to move on. I'm not exactly a saint either. Back in the day when I was young and foolish, I did the same thing to many unfortunate girls, but I didn't know how hurtful I was being towards them, until it happened to me a few times (karma strikes yet again) then I knew.

I was not about to put this girl through anything like that and after I leveled with her, she was quiet for a couple of seconds and told me that she appreciated me being honest with her and said that she was still interested in hanging out with me.

Whether or not she's being sincere remains to be seen. If not, and I never see her again, that's cool. The worst thing she'll feel is disappointment as opposed to the vindictive bitterness and resentment normally associated with being strung along for a few months as somebody's rebound. My concious is clear.

Plus it lessens the chances of my car getting keyed.

My new guilty pleasure.

yes, I'd bone both chicks.

Okay recently I've been hooked on a show called "Yes Dear" for a couple of weeks now and I don't quite know why? Usually I despise those fucking family sit coms with a passion, but this one is different. I think it's because of the couples themselves. They always pair up some fat ass ugly, vulgar, disgusting, unfunny man with some hot piece of ass who's even more talentless and unfunnier than the guy, but she's hot so you don't give a fuck. What makes it even more ridiculous is that my have 4 or 5 kids running around, yet we're supposed to believe that this middle class wife can juggle a job, raise said children and endure her borish husband while still maintaining a perfect figure, and wears designer clothes? Yeah, that's real.

That's where Yes Dear is different. As far as Tv couples go, they're the most believable. None of them (there's two couples) are particularly good looking, but they're not ugly or disgusting either. They're just... average. Plus the pairings are much more believable as well. On one hand you got this white collar skinny neurotic nerdy guy paired up with a skinny, slightly edgy young mommy martha stewart wanna be type. It's an interesting dynamic but it works.
The other couple which is even more plausible conisists of a pudgy blue collar slacker type of dude and his wife is a stay at home mom raising two kids. What makes this wife so unbelievably amazing is that she actually LOOKS like a working class mother. She doesn't wear designer clothes, she wears COMFORTABLE clothes, she's full figured, in fact she actually has some pretty decent curves! She looks and acts like a real mother! She could walk from the set into a grocery store or a PTA meeting and fit right in. I could see myself hanging out with them at the local pub on a Saturday night.

Oh and the show is actually funny, too. Maybe it's the crack, but I've laughed my ass off on so many times watching this show!
I know my infatuation with the show won't last long and I'll get bored with it and move on, just like did with Desperate Houswives, Smallville, Lost, Simpsons, etc, but until then I'm going to enjoy the ride.

Fuck you if you don't agree with me!

Random Confession 2

In high school, there was this kid in Biology that nobody liked. One day, I had to dissect a frog. I took the square pieces of frog skin that I cut off, as well a few strands of intestine, quietly took off from the lab and dumped them into the kid's soda in the other room. Pissed him off to no end when he finally dicovered it, and he would be sick for the next two days. He never knew it was me.