The Aristocrats *YAWN* Review

please die


So I saw a movie called "The Aristocrats" which a documentary about various comedians' take on the world's dirtiest joke. Well the first few minutes were kinda sorta funny, but it just started to run out of gas after a very short time, but I guess that's to be expected from a documentary about a weak ass joke.



The so called dirtiest joke in the world was something you would hear a bunch of 14 year boys would tell each other to gross each other out and it just wasn't funny. Once the so-called initial shock wore off, it just wasn't that funny and the BIIIG punch line that was supposed to knock you off of your feet just fell flat on it's face.

However, it didn't stop the comedians from laughing their asses off about the joke. I guess you have to be a washed up jewish comedian to fully appreciate the humor which most of them were. Hell, I never heard of half of them and I thought the other half died years ago. Oh, Chris Rock made a brief appearance and it looked like he didn't even want to be on there. I don't blame him.

It was so fucking painful seeing these comedians perform in front of the camera no matter how pathetically unfunny they were. Most of them have some pretty fucked up lives and they use humor as an avenue to escape from this pathetic existence otherwise they'd probably kill themselves.
I really wish Carrot Top and Paul Reiser, who is quite possibly the unfunniest human being on the planet would blow their heads off.

Anyway, The Aristocrats does NOT live up to all the hype. I don't even consider it slightly "infamous". But hey, if you think seeing a bunch of has beens yack about a joke for an hour and twenty six minutes and you have money to burn and you're slightly retarded, go right ahead and see this movie.

Fucking racist board games!!

I always hated the commercials for board games back in the day. They'd be playing some fast-paced music, as all the kids are ferociously slamming down their board pieces. Then at the end, the little white boy would jump up, pump his arms up into the air, and exclaim "I WIN!!" This happened for just about every single board game commercial, without fail.

This always bothered me for two reasons.

1. Board games aren't that exciting, you aren't that pumped cause you connected four, sit your punk ass down.

2. Why was he always white? Why can't a brotha win for once? You know how fucking closet racist that was, the little white boy wins the game of Life? He might as well have turned to the other kids and said "Haha, you all fail at life. Now woman, get in the kitchen and make my biscuits, little negro boy wash the dishes for her, and you, Mexican't, get to mowing my lawn!"

I have a theory about the white dude always winning ang being excited. The white kid has the game but sucks. He always gets raped whenever he plays his other friends who have the gave. So what is he to do to get that first win? He goes to the hood grabs Tyrone and plays him. Of course Tyrone has never seen this shit and has no clue what's going on, so he loses. The white kid gets his first win thus the I WIN!!! Tyrone is still sitting thinking "WTF!?!?!" Then Tyrone steals the game so he can get better, brings it back before the parents press charges, and then kicks the white kid's ass, they just don't televise that shit. It's cool though the revolution won't be televised either.

Oh it's true.

Funny high school shit.

I remember when I was in high school, I put a book in some asshole's backpack while he wasn't looking so the alarm would sound when he walked out.



The funny part? When they opened his bag to see what it was, there was a book titled, "Coping with Gay Parents"
To this day he has not lived it down.


Haw haw! I'm the comedy king!

My week thus far...

So, anyway.....these ninjas break into my house, right, and I'm all like "Back the fuck off", and the lead Ninja is all like "NO!" and I'm all like "You bettah" and he's all kungfu and shit, and so I pull out a gun and plug the bastard....

then I buy Sin City on DVD, and ride a spaceship with Vin Diesel, and we're all like "Cool" then Vin turns into Rosario Dawson, and we bang like fucking kittens for like hours, then the spaceship crashes into the sun, so I have this Diamond Spacesuit, so I'm okay, but Rosario burns to death, and I'm all like "Too bad" and she's like screaming and shit, but it's in French, and I'm all like "I don't speak Paris-Talk, bitch" and she dies, and I'm lonely, so I swim back to earth, and drink a forty with Xzibit........

that's when things got weird.

Another HATE list

Having the phone ring and no one answer it
I know this have been mentioned before but it holds particularly true at my house. I’ve sat in my room and listened to the phone ring only to walk into the living room and see my brother sitting there as it rang the whole time while it is 5 feet from him sitting in the charger. asshole

People who bitch about anime
Now I happen to like anime. If you don’t it’s cool that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, but if I hear one more fucking otaku griping about how some company is gonna be dubbing some anime they beat off to so now it will be garbage I will kick them in the nuts with a vengeance. There are things on the internet called Fansubs where you can download the shit FOR FREE and it won’t be edited other than to add subtitles, so STFU and quit yer bitchin.

People who own Cadillac Escalade’s on spinners
You possess a degree of idiocy that very few can reach. Besides having the worst gas mileage of nearly any car on the road and being a general hazard with how easily they can roll over you have managed to spend what is the annual salary of some people on a shitty car. Kudos, I’m sure you have the money to continue filling up the bath tub of a gas tank this car holds but that is of no concern to you because you needed to buy it since you must compensate for your self image. So look on the bright side you may be balding and have a real medical condition known as “micropenis” but at least your rims are really expensive so people will think that you’re cool.

People who are electronically incompetent
Ok the last time that I went to Best Buy it was to get a computer diagnostic done on my Mom’s computer. I was talking to the tech guy behind the counter and he was telling me about this customer that had come in earlier in the day. Apparently this guy had bought a printer there and had tried to hook it up and then returned it claiming that it doesn’t work. Well the tech guy after questioning him found out that not only does he not own a computer, but he didn’t even plug in the power cord. WTF is wrong with some people?

Fat chicks who wear skimpy clothes
This has also probably been mentioned several times but I must reiterate. I’ve seen some women at the mall who simply should have been slapped by the sales clerk who sold them the article of clothing and told to put it back. It’s look like a god-damn sausage casing on them. You can’t get away with wearing a belly shirt if there are folds in your belly!! I don’t care if you are big and proud of it put some fucking clothes on, you fat skank.


Post Modern Art
My god this is not art and if you think differently then you’re full of shit. It’s just a bunch of squares and then you drew (very poorly I might add) an eye in the center between them. Do you want a fucking cookie or something? Don’t give me that “art is subjective” bullshit either. Now you’re simply making shit up to hide the fact that you’re a hack. It isn’t art if it took you 15 minutes to make, so go learn how to draw and stop trying to compensate for your lack of skill by making shit up.

DVD Stickers
These things are awesome. Not only do I have to wait 20 minutes to try and get this thing off the DVD case so I can actually watch the movie but in scratching and picking at it I get to deface the case of the brand new DVD I just bought.


*people who decelerate, THEN FINALLY get over into the deceleration lane.

Little Kids who ask to many fuckin questions!

People who kiss the corpse at a funeral

People who don't know how to use the internet in 2005!!

People who can't speak proper english but insist on talking to you.


Ladies, Kate Moss isn't top tier hot model anymore, you can stop binging and purging any day now...


Women who can't seem to get it through their heads, that you don't like or want them.

People that call you only to say "Hello" because they're lonely and have nothing to do but waste your time.


Fucking pussies who insult you and then try to convince you they were just kidding when clearly they were not.

What the fuck now?

first it is puff daddy.. then p. diddy... now just diddy...

.. here's an idea.. lets just call him a fucking retard! "Diddy"... that just sounds like all sorts of fruity gayness!

But I can't knock his hustle too much. He's made millions of dollars from sampling, biting and outright stealing other people's beats and turning it into garbage. Then again if there weren't people buying from his label, wearing his clothes and making him richer, I wouldn't have to see his buck toothed, goofy looking mug everywhere I turn.

Just proves what I've been saying from the day I first started talking: people are fucking sheep.

My friend is finally getting married!

Congrats to my friend! Her "slacker" boyfriend has officially proposed to her. Hooraay!!

Finally I'm free from hearing all her bitching about him not proposing to her and being a jerk for keeping her waiting and yap yap yap yap yap. He's a cool guy and really laid back and he's completely cool knowing that I used to plow his girlfriend back in the day. Usually I get a lot of jealous static from my exe's current boyfriends, but not this guy. He definitely gets my seal of approval. Better him than me... I"m kidding!! Mostly....kinda.... maybe....

Yeah, I'm happy for my friend and maybe now she'll shut her friggin' pie whole, but if I know her and I do oh so well, I'd better brace for a new onslaught of pre-wedding bitching. Oh well... as long as SHE'S happy.

sigh... it never ends

A very disgusting drive to work today.

Okay this morning was probably the most disgusting experiences I have ever had while going to work.
It all started when I was stopped at a traffic light and I noticed the driver behind me ramming his finger into his nose like a jack hammer. Some leprechaun mother fucker must've stuck his loot up there because this shit head was digging for gold.
I haven't seen anyone this tenacious since my ex tried to stab me with a letter opener. When he finally dislodged his digit from his shnozz, I quickly turned away in fear that he might witness him "tasting" his newfound victory and that would have made me "taste" my breakfast.

Oh but it doesn't end there. A couple more miles down the road at yet another stop light, I see some hippie chick fixing her nappy ass hair in the rear view and when she raised her arms, I noticed that she had been carrying two shrubs under them. When I looked closer I realized that it wasn't shrubbery at all, but it was her arm pit hair!! Good god the I nearly went blind after seeing that mass of tangled hippie arm pit hair. What the fuck, man! I can tolerate a little peach fuzz on a chick, I mean everyone forgets to shave every now and then, but there's a fucking limit! I mean you could make dread locks out of this chick's pit hair! Stupid ass vegan, tree hugging, no bath taking, hemp wearing, pot smoking hippie trash! Go back to Europe with that shit! We don't want any of that in the good 'ol U-S of A by god!


Oh the fun continues on my merry drive to work. I saw some dude beside me trying to give himself a lobotomy by sticking his finger into his ear as far as it could possibly go. When he finally pulled it out, it looked like he had pulled a good chunk of his brain along with it. Dude could've given a Brazilian wax to the entire Olympic swim team with the amount of ear shit on his finger.That wasn't the nastiest part however, the worst part was when he actually sniffed the big glob of ear shit and wiped it on his dashboard!!! FUCK!


Oh yeah, then there was the fucking spitter who seem to spit up more and more of his lung with each expectoration. Fortunately I was almost at work so I didn't have to endure the fucktard for long.

I'm not feeling very clean right now. It's like a dirt that just won't come off. The flashbacks aren't helping either. Bleh... disgusting.

Serves me right for paying attention to the people around me.

What would Jesus Do?

So I'm sitting at a stop light on my way to work today and I noticed to my left a car that had a WWJD sticker as well as a Jesus fish, a "Jesus Saves" bumper sticker and a Bush 04 sticker.
I think it was safe to say that this person was conservative Christian.
Anyway, this little old lady was crossing the street,the left turn light was turning yellow when the conservative Christian suddenly guns his car to beat the red light, thus almost running over the little old lady.
I just sat there in disbelief and watched the little old lady freak the fuck out and probably soak her diaper.

I just found it ironic that someone that was so into god and religion and all that would have so much disregard for human life. But then I remembered, since he's obviously been saved by Jesus, maybe he doesn't have to do so. That makes me wonder... if you accept the lord Jesus Christ in your heart and become "saved" does that not give you an eternal get out of jail free card? So theoretically, I could kill a bunch of five year olds, sell their skins on ebay and I would still get into heaven. Sounds like a sweet deal to me, but I digress.

What Would Jesus Do in a situation like that? I'm not sure, but I'm fairly certain he wouldn't run down an old woman to beat a stop light.



WWJD

DAWN OF THE DEAD (aka: obnoxious bitch from hell)

Okay so I meet a friend of mine at a local pool joint to catch up on some old times, but unbeknownst to me, she decided to play matchmaker and bring along her little friend to "meet". He logic was since we were both web designers we would be perfect for each other.

At first I was highly annoyed with this ambush cupid bullshit, but it turned out that this girl, whose name is Dawn was pretty cool after all and had a good head on her shoulders. The flow of conversation was fluid and constant with no awkward silences.
Physically she wasn't my type, but I figured that I had a cool new friend to hang out at least and it was pretty nice to chill with a fellow designer.
Dawn invited me to hang out with her and a friend on Thursday to which I agreed even though they were going to do the clubbing thing at some places I usually try to avoid, but what the hell... she was cool so it wouldn't be too unbearable right?
FUCKING WRONG!!!

This is when Dawn's true colors came out. Over a period of one hour, she went from being this witty, intelligent, goal orientated professional to a loud, obnoxious, bubbly, dumb ass who downed vodka shots by the dozen.
I also found out that she was quite a regular in the clubs since all the bouncers and bartenders knew her by name, but they didn't act like they were overjoyed to see her. They gave a "here she is again" vibe.

Anyway, the night wasn't a total loss, I met a couple of cool guys there and there were a lot of lovely ladies to gawk at, but it was kind of hard to talk to any of them when there was pudgy drunken loud mouth standing beside me, throwing the ol' cock block all night.
There was some relief to the misery when she would disappear to flirt with some random guy she knew and it gave me time to slip away and do my thing, but like some demented drunken blood hound, the bitch always tracked me down! No surprise since I was in her territory.

Finally I had enough and was ready to go and coincidentally that's when the clubs started shutting down. I said a quick good bye to her and her friend and got the hell outta Dodge.

Well the pain doesn't end there. Be sure to read DAWN OF THE DEAD part 2!

DAWN OF THE DEAD part 2

The next day, I get a call from her asking if I would like to see The Devil's Rejects and I agreed. I met her at her place and once again the witty, intelligent, professional Dawn was there to greet me.

Unfortunately I found out some more things about her that made me think not so highly of her.

First of all, she's not really a web designer. She works for her mommy's web design company and her only duties include ftp-ing files to the actual designers or transferring clients to whoever. She knows NOTHING about design and she can't even code! Basically she's just a secretary. Her mom pays her about 3 times more than she earns (to which she happily admits), and she used to spend 1200 bucks A WEEK on shopping! Her mommy cut her off by only giving her a 250 dollar a week allowance while paying all her bills, including her mortgage.
Holy shit! The respect meter pretty much bottomed out and went through the floor when I heard that! I had so much respect and admiration for this girl who I thought bought her own house at the age of 24, but it turned out her MOTHER bought the house FOR HER. This so-called "professional woman" was nothing more than a spoiled bitch who never had to earn anything in her life.
Oh, and to top it all off, she works from home!

Ugh... after the movie, she invited me once again to hang with her and her friend. Since I had nothing else to do I said why not. Surely we aren't going to go clubbing at the exact same place 2 nights in a row right? WRONG!!!
God, we did almost the exact same thing as the previous night only this time we went to her skanky friend's house that smelled like cat shit and had a couple of shots of rum. Well, I had one, they had about three.
Anyway, it was the same old story of her acting like a drunken dumb ass while her friend rubbed against every other guy at the place. I actually had to "save" her when one of the guys got a little too aggressive.
The night just drug on and on, but I was trapped because dumb ass me decided to ride in her car or else I would've disappeared a LONG time ago.
It got so unbearable, I ducked into my office which was 2 blocks away to get away from the craziness. You KNOW you're having a shitty time when go to your fucking office to escape.

Anyway, I got a call from her at around 3am and I met up with her at the parking lot. She was clearly trashed out of her fucking mind as well as her friend so it looked like I was going to play the role of the designated driver, but I didn't mind this time, since she drove an 05 Mustang GT (that mommy got her). Man what a sweet ride!

Dawn likes older professional men, but on the way home she kept complaining how these older professional men can't keep up with her. I told her that these older professional men have REAL JOBS to go to in the morning and can't stay up clubbing until 4 am every fucking day.

We get to her place and she's apologizing her ass off and doing the remorseful drunk chick routine that I've seen a hundred million times. She said that she would call me and all that and while she saying all this, I'm calmly deleting her number from my phone. She leans in for a kiss, but I give her the cheek. (ha!).
As I get into my own car, unbelievably, this girl who can barely stand, goes into her car and drives her friend to her house. At that point my concern about her welfare ceased to exist and I drove home and promptly passed out on the couch.

I'm going to strangle my match making friend.