Superman joke.

Yeah, it's old as hell, but it always makes me chuckle.

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Laugh! I command you!

Funny quote

I was yapping with my "Tacoma home girl", (why she insists on me calling her that I'll never know) about the fucked up things people tolerate in relationships and she said something that was both profound and funny as hell:

"Denial is vastly underrated as a coping strategy."

I'm gonna steal that one for sure!

An afternoon at Walter State.

I went to a play of Beauty and the Beast that was being held at some teeny tiny college called Walter State that was about an hour from my place.
Did I mention how tiny this campus was? The theatre was sooooo small! Sheesh!
Anyway, the play was pretty good, considering their obviously limited budget.
The only nitpicks I had were: Gaston was way too scrawny and his voice was too high. Gaston is supposed to be a many man with a booming deep voice. This guy fell short at both. The "beast" was a little short and chubby to pull off the role, plus his acting sucked. Good lord he was so fat I thought he had eaten Belle.
Speaking of Belle, I didn't think she was so good looking. One of the supporting cast was much hotter and I couldn't look away from her heaving cleavage.

One little kid in the play couldn't keep his hands out of his pants. Poor little shit obviously had to use the bathroom. It was good for a laugh anyway.

After the play, we noticed there was a Ihop down the road, but it hadn't opened up! What a cock tease! So we opted to eat at another Ihop 45 miles away where we were waited on and eventually forgotten by a server who looked like she was 15 despite the fact that the place was completely dead.

How typical.

Fucking charities

get a job!

I'm sure if you're a late-nighter youve seen the commercial of an older santa claus looking fucker trying to persuade viewers to donate some money to less fortunate countries so that children can see doctors and blah blah blah...

So he tries to lay the guilt trip on the viewers by saying, "you've probably got it written down somewhere on a nice to-do list..." (something along those lines) "but whats 80 cents a day to you? three quarters and a nickle..."

Anyway, in one of my weaker moments I actually did sends some money and that's when the nightmare began. If you're thinking about donating to these fuckers expect to get TONS of junk mail asking for more and more money, but it doesn't end there, your address is forwarded to other mooching charities who in turn send you tons of junk mail asking for donations as well. Greedy mother fuckers. It ended only when I changed my address, but I'm sure the new tennant of my old apartment is probably getting slammed with that shit.

Another thing that always made me kinda laugh, was that they're always talking about the squalor and filth these kids live in, at which point, they pan the camera around, and there's ALWAYS a dog, goat, or pig rooting around in shit.
These kids can't be TOO fucking hungry if that dog/goat/pig is still alive.

Speaking of kids in all these commercials they always showcase this little girl called Maria. Okay, I'll overlook the fact that "Maria" seems pretty plump for a starving child, but she's been a little girl for 10 years now! Either they show digitally remastered re-runs or the little bitch is some kind of animatronic contraption or maybe she's just a midget.

And doesn't it piss these poor fucks off seeing some fat ass old white guy strolling through their little slum, exploiting their misery along with the dozen or so film crew, lugging around their hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment? You think these people spend the night there? Hell no! After they finish filminig they go to their fancy hotel rooms back in the city and abuse the hell out of room service and discussing what they're gonna do with all the loot their gonna scam out of suckers like me! Bastards.

Fuck you Santa Claus and your little mutant, non aging freaky midget Maria!

Big Vinnie: Beast of Burden or Sex slave?

Today the secretary came into my office and asked me if I could help the fed ex lady bring in some computer equipment. Hell, why not... it's not like my time is valuable or anything.
ANYway, I walk outside to meet the fed ex lady and she immediately looks at me up and down and says, "yeah, that's what I need!" before loading me up with heavy equipment.
Now I'm going to assume that she meant she could use my strength since I'm a fairly big guy, but the way she kinda...lingered below my waist kind of makes me think otherwise.

Either way, I feel so cheap and used.

Bastards

I just read that some child rapist/murderer in California was sentenced to death by leathal injection.
All I can say is: Die slowly, you worthless peice of Shit...I hope you get free love every day in the joint by some guy with a dick the size of an oak tree!!!
These people are the scum of the earth and it should be law: once found guilty, no jail, no suspended sentence....you get to be torn apart whilst still alive by family members of the victims, oh, and you have been injected with a massive dose of muscle relaxant, so you cant even scream for mercy when i shove a big ol' roofing nail through your eyeball. FUCK that lethal injection bullshit. All they do is go to sleep and never wake up. That's too fucking good for them!
Dont give me this pussy foot 'new age' bullshit. KILL THEM AND SAVE A KIDS LIFE!!!
PS: they say he was raped etc by his father. SO: if they had of killed his father in time....you know where Im going with this, right? Thought so.
End Anger

Haw Haw! Dem wacky Canadians!

This is news to me as well!
http://www.satirewire.com/news/feb02/warship.shtml

Another stupid ass commercial

That new commercial ---" a jumpshot can get you a shoe deal, a swiss bank account, etc."....and then he says "but blahblahblah can't get you a jumpshot." Why the fuck would I need a jumpshot if I had all that stuff in the first place? If I already have a fatass bank account with endorsement deals all over the place like a typical successful pro athlete....why would I need the skills then? Sorry, I don't care that much about baseketball. If I had all those riches, "hoopin'!" would be the last thing on my mind. This doesn't aggravate me to the point of being "pissed off", but it's an annoying commercial that had to be addressed at some point.

Things that piss me off

-Political Correctness. I live in a PC area filled with hippie fucks. I learned it's racist to refer to Latinos as Hispanic.

-people who sit right beside you in an empty theatre, thus throughly violating my hetero zone.

- Rednecks who coined the term "Cheerleader Beer" and make fun of any guy that isn't drinking Budweiser or whatever fucking tasteless POS they're chugging down.

- Obnoxious people, the people that think that everything that comes from their mouth is fucking genius and momentous, fuck you, twat!

-no snack machines take pennies. I have a ton of pennies all over the place here, because they're pretty much useless. Pennies are almost as pointless as those doubloons or however ya spell it that are thrown around at Mardi Gras


-People that are too happy. That annoys the hell out of me.

-when you wake up expecting a nice bowl of golden grahams and then u poor the cereal in the bowl.. open the fridge to find out theres no fucking milk..

-the SUV.

-mosquitos...why are they even here? Can't we just exterminate these bastards? I want them completely eliminated from the planet.

-microwaves not cooking "evenly". It just still strikes me as quite retarded that the pizza I just put in there could come out as hot as the SUN on some of the edges....and still be frozen solid in the middle. That's just stupid.

-People that are incessantly nosy. If it doesn't concern you there isn't a reason for you to inquire about it. What do you gain from knowing something that doesn't affect your life?

-getting ready to rub one out to whatever "jerkin materials" you have....and suddenly you have to take a dump.

-This Summer's Movies, jesus christ they are bad.

-Those black bee things that always come near me - I hate those things and they piss me off big time...

-people who make uneducated speculations and observations about things they dont know SHIT about

-when people are doing something wrong and are not paying attention to something and when you try to tell them what they are doing wrong they insist that they are doing it correctly in the first place


-people who are so fuckin ignorant and try to act so hard when they are soft as pillows


-people who take things too seriously

-I hate those fucking spinner hub caps. Who ever made them needs to kill themselves. I hate people who put racing exhausts on anything. I saw a Astro van with dual racing exhaust. An ASTRO VAN for god's sake! I hate it when people raise their car up so they can put big ass rims on it. 19s are good enough for a car so leave the 22s for SUVs.



-Urinal Sidelers: There are three unoccupied urinals on the wall. You take the one on the left and some skin-hump takes the one in the middle, right next to you! Again, a serious violation of my hetero zone!

-Traffic Jams: I know they can't be avoided sometimes but come on. I swear, people are like fucking sheep when it comes to traffic jams; especially when merging is involved. You'd think that by now point people would have devised some sort of practical traffic jam rules. Like if a three-lane road is turning into a two-lane because of construction or something, why couldn't the drivers from one lane let like ten cars merge and go by and have the other drivers in the other lane do the same? But no, instead the dumb motherfuckers all try to merge into the same lane at once.

-Getting attacked by ninjas, what the fuck?!?
I can't even check my fucking mail without some asshole in a black jumpsuit comin' at me with a sword. It's starting to piss me off.

-Oh, and those little bugs that have no purpose in life other than to *deliberatly fly into your eye.

Ass ugly cars

so wrong yet so true

I'm sure we've all seen these eyesores-on-wheels on the road, and wondered "what the Hell was he/she thinking?". It's interesting to me how some people just have crappy taste in certain things. I remember my parents would say something like "well, maybe that's all they could afford", but come on...you see someone in a baby-shit-colored PT Cruiser...come on now there's just no excuse for that. That same person will probably get out the car and have some neon colored leisure suit on with shag jheri curl...

The baby-dookey color(*orange-ish brown...burnt sienna?) PT Cruiser is a another example....I saw someone driving that yesterday. I already don't like that design in the first place, but that color just made it worse. They had a wheel "case" on the back too!

Nothing can beat the Aztek though. That looks like the result of a car having Down Syndrome or something....like a retarded kid that somehow transformed into a vehicle. If there was ever an official Jerry's kids car, the Aztec would be it. It just doesn't get any worse than that.

Fucking lunch box on wheels.

I need to be more evil

I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and condemn them on the spot if the fuck up just once.

I've really have to stop turning the other cheek and kick the piss out of someone who slightly annoys me.

I simply must stop supporting my friends and find ways to turn their misery to my advantage and personal gain.

Respecting old people never got me anywhere, I'm going to try tripping one every once and awhile and see how that feels.

I think I might kidnap my neighbor's dog, put it in a sack and throw it in the lake.
It's not a loud dog at all, in fact it's pretty nice and quiet, but that makes my actions all the more evil which is the point is it not?

Next time a friend tells me to watch her purse while she takes a piss, I'm gonna write down her credit card number and go on an online shopping spree.

When some broad bitches about her miserable life, I'm just going to picture them naked. Wait... I already do that.

Children are the scourge of the earth. I'm going to go out of my way to let them know that.

I'm going to spit on every pregnant woman I see.

I'm going to tell my friend's extremely self conscious, anorexic girlfriend that she could lose a few pounds.

Next time someone asks me if they look fat in something, I'm going to say yes.

I will NOT let any car have the right of way.

I'm going to give my ex girlfriend a great big hug. Trust me, that's the most evil thing I could ever do to her.


Now... all I have to do is rip out this damn chip in my head that prevents me from doing all this shit and I'll be in business.

Where is the justice??

I was out house hunting again for the first time since that tragic day when my dream home was so savagely taken away from me and I came upon this beautiful 3 bedroom 2.5 bath 1600 square foot CAPE COD! Probably my favorite kind of house PERIOD! Best of all, it was in my price range and in a great neighborhood!
I quickly got on my cell to call my real estate dude when I noticed something on the For Sale sign that i didn't quite notice before... there, in teeny tiny print was the word "sold".

WHAT THE FUCK!! What kind of sick joke was this??!! Everyone knows that sold signs are in great big red letters so there was to be no confusion on the status of the fucking house! That way, innocently eager, love smitten individuals wouldn't get their hopes up only to have them utterly destroyed later on!
This truly SUCKS!! This wasn't quite a big of a stab in the heart than the last time something like this happened to me, but it still fucking hurt like hell! Sort of like a hot poker in the pee hole kind of pain.

Sheesh... I guess the search continues.

I finally exist!

I got my new driver's license this morning so that means I officially exist in the eyes of the man.
After I lost my wallet along with my debit card and license, I realized just how much I depend on these stupid pieces of plastic to function in everyday society.
For example, I went to the local store to cash a personal check, but guess what? They needed a driver's license! Fuck!
After getting some cash out of the bank which took me all day to drive there since I didn't want to get pulled over by a cop, I decided to rent a movie and throw a pity party for one, but then I remembered that they too needed a membership card of driver's license and since I lost my membership card years ago, I was completely screwed yet again! FUCK!!


It was such an alien experience to me, having to go inside the gas station and hand... cash over to the clerk for gas. I can't remember the last time I did that. WEIRD. It's quite a different experience to see your cash actually LEAVING your hands rather than seeing a card swipe. It's understandable how some people (weak minded dumb fucks mostly) can easily over spend without even thinking. NOt me of course, since I'm a cheap bastard.

I'm sure there's a lesson and a point to all this, but I'm too damn tired to elaborate.

This will give me nightmares.

I'll swallow your soul!

Imagine waking up with this... thing hovering over you.

CONTEST WINNER

Guy's night out (revised)

Okay I went to the local pub to do the weekly "Boys night out" with "the crew" and unlike last time, we actually had a pretty little outing. The cool thing about this night is that the crowd is constantly changing. Some new guys would challenge us at a game of pool and we'd get to know them and so on. Sometimes they'd stick around, sometimes not, either way, I've gotten to know some interesting people.

My personal highlight was beating my "rival" John which doesn't happen too often since he's pro-level good when it comes to skill, me and my measly 30 dollar Wal-Mart stick beat Mr. fancy pro and his custom made, imported 3000 dollar cue stick and I did so in a convincing manner as well! HA!
I could tell that he didn't like losing to me one bit and he made up all these lame excuses, but he couldn't escape the fact that he lost! I let him know that he lost all night since he was running his mouth like a punk ass!

Damn, he's gotta big mouth and he's a perv as well. He said the wrong thing to the wrong girls and he nearly got his ass kicked. I had to play the peace maker and lay on the charm (yes, I can be fucking charming when I wanna be!). Anyway, I managed to save his ass and told him that he might want to shut the fuck up.

Everything was going great until ANOTHER big breasted chick asked if she could play doubles with her boyfriend. I was kind of reluctant, still remembering the last big boobed bimbo encounter, but this girl was pretty cool and didn't act like a spoiled little bitch. I had a conversation with her about how it's hard for girls to get good at pool when all the guys "baby" them. I couldn't agree more as I pat her on the head and said she was so adorable trying to play pool. Both she and her boyfriend laughed. Nice little couple.

It was soooo nice to get a shot of testosterone by hanging out with the boys. It was nice to call someone a fat ass and not have to worry about them crying about it. It was great to know that if you said something that pissed them off, they would tell you up front instead of waiting half a year before ambushing you with it.
Yeah, very nice indeed.

WAR OF THE WORLDS REVIEW **HUGE SPOILERS**

well he does like them young

You know, I've done some stupid things in my life like grabbing the lit end of a sparkler, biting a dog's tongue, jumping off a roof with an umbrella, etc, but one of the DUMBEST ass things I've done in a looong time was paying good hard earned money to see War of the fucking Worlds.
Fuck it all to hell! I was never a Tom Cruise fan, but I've always respected Speilberg's work, so I thought it would even things out. WRONG.
Anyway, Tom plays some jerk off dock worker who is stuck babysitting his annoying fucking kids while his slut of a wife goes off and parties with her rich new husband (did I mention she was knocked up with the rich new husband's yuppie spawn?)
So now Cruise is living with his damn kids he never wanted in the first place and I don't fucking blame him. You've got some angst ridden asshole of a son who ends up stealing his car and some annoying spoiled vegan shithead of a daughter whom I really wanted to kick in the chops. Cruise is no prize either, in fact, all these characters are unlikable as hell and that's really a bad thing because we're supposed to care about them later on in the movie.

Anyhoo, poor pussy whipped emasculated Tom is stuck with his worthless kids who hate his guts, how could this day get any worse? How about a contrived alien invasion? Well this is called War of the Worlds and not Kramer verse Kramer 2 As you know this is about aliens coming down to Earth and fucking everything up for no good reason. Supposedly, these critters have been studying earth for millions of fucking years and for some reason choose the 21st century to start the invasion by jumping inside this huge clunky stupid looking machines, via lightening that were buried deep underground millions of years ago. Sure, that makes fucking sense. Anyway, after some goofy lightening light show, that knocks out all electronic devices, the whole town decides to investigate a giant crater in the middle of the street. Eventually the crater gets bigger and bigger, knocking over building and swallowing cars, but do the town folk run away in terror, hell no, they stick around and investigate some more. Suddenly one of the cars that was swallowed by the sinkhole and thrown out hundreds of feet in the air and nearly lands on several people. Do the towns folk run away in terror? Hell no, they investigate some more. Then a GIANT fucking spider leg shoots out of the hole and crushes a nearby car. Do the towns folk run away in terror? Hell no, you guessed it, they stick around and investigate some MORE. These dumb mother fuckers keep sticking around until the big giant goofy machine starts to fucking VAPORIZE the dumb asses, but some of them had to think about it first.

Of course Cruise reminds us that he's the star of the movie because he never gets touched, despite people RIGHT BESIDE him are literally getting dusted and he manages to out run fucking lasers and explosions like a world class olympic sprinter! Eventually he gathers up his bratty kids who hate his guts and plans on getting the fuck outta Dodge.
But how can they get out when none of the cars work? That's okay, they have SUPER MINI VAN which works just fine after getting a new solonoid, but before any of us have time to figure out the logic in this revelation, the big goofy aliens suddenly appear and start blowing shit up with pretty lights and fancy explosions, in hopes of distracting us from this one of many glaring plot holes. Anyway, Cruise and the gang make it out while the fucking little girl is screaming her fucking head off! I swear that little bitch needed a kick in the jaw.

Eventually they make it to the rich stepfather's house, but before they can make themselves comfy, a plane falls on it. The entire neighborhood is destroyed except SUPER MINI VAN which doesn't even have a fucking scratch! After some more screaming and yelling with the fucking kids, the go off on their merry way.

They eventually make it to the ferry, but their van gets jacked by some crazy mob and now they have to walk to the ferry. They manage to get on and they're on their way to Boston until BOO! The big clunky goofy aliens show up and start blowing shit up for no good reason again! Panic ensues, people get killed, boat gets sunk, blah blah blah, but big surprise, not only is Cruise a world class sprinter, but now he's a world class swimmer as well as he drags his shitty kids to safety. They eventually stumble upon some huge battle between the military and the aliens. One thing I couldn't help but notice was that civilians were running TO the battle site to investigate. What the fuck is wrong with these people? You do NOT run TOWARD a major military engagement, but these dumb asses did. A friend of mine asked me where all the black people were, I told him that they were running AWAY offscreen since no self respecting black person would do something so stupid. Anyway, the annoying son is one of these dumbasses as he charges into the battle UNARMED just in time to get caught in a massive explosion as Cruise looks on in terror, or is it glee? One down, one to go.

So the goofy clunky machines continue killing people, but Cruise and the freaked out daughter find "safety" with some paranoid nut case. Eventually the aliens come a knockin' on the door and suddenly we're in the movie Signs as Cruise and crew narrowly escape the "evil" aliens who look like giant weird looking crickets that were sooo advanced and studied everything about us for millions of years, yet they didn't know what a bicycle was. Ookay. Paranoid dude freaks out when he sees that the aliens harvest blood and shit it all over the place to grow this weird looking vines. Cruise has to man up and kill him to save his daughter. Lot of good that did because the little shit gets captured anyway, but super Cruise manages to save her by blowing up the machine with a couple of grenades. hooray.

So now he and his shitty daughter are walking to Boston and when they get there, they find out that all the machines have suddenly fallen down and the aliens have mysteriously died because of bacteria and shit. Your'e telling me that they studied this planet for millions of years yet they didn't see that the very atmosphere was lethal to them? Yeah, I know the original movie ended the same way, but those aliens were just passing through when they decided to invade, these aliens had MILLIONS of years to study everything about the Earth before invading. What the fuck ever.

Anyway Cruise and shitty daughter make it to the mother and the grandparents' house which was in the middle of a neighborhood that seems to have made it unscratched. Hell, it looked like his ex wife, yuppie husband and her parents looked healthy, well fed and just got out of the spa while Tom looked like he'd gone through hell and back.
Oh yeah, the dumb shithead of a son was WAITING for them there. That's right, he survived the mini nuclear explosion and actually beat Tom and his sis to Boston. sigh... at this point of the movie, I was just glad that the pain is over and was thinking about the closest exit to my car.

THE END.

Saturday night out with the ex.

My ex was in town visiting her family over the fourth of july weekend and we had made plans to get together and hang out just like the old days which was pretty cool because I haven't seen her since December.

Anyway, Saturday rolls around and we agreed that we would meet at my place before taking off to see a band. I got the distinct pleasure of being the designated drive since she planned on getting her drink on. I really didn't mind though, the girl is on vacation, let her have her fun. She shows up at my place at around 11:00 and I have to admit she was looking VERY nice. She had let her hair grow considerably which looked a lot better than her cropped hairstyle. We went out to the place where the band was and had a pretty good time. While she was dancing, a few guys were checking her out at the bar and then nervously looked at me, thinking I was her boyfriend or some shit which was pretty funny. Also, a few VERY obvious Lesbians were giving her the eye, too. I don't blame them though. The girl knows how to move. Unfortunately for me, she was the only straight, single girl worth looking at. The guy to girl ratio was extremely lopsided, swinging sausages everywhere. That kinda sucked, but what are ya gonna do?

As the night went on, my ex started getting a little sick, really sick. Needless to say, we called it a night and started walking to my car, we almost made it until she bolted away and started puking in some bushes. I knew it was going to be a long night. After I made sure she had gotten it out of her system, we went back to my place where she could rest. Well as soon as we got into the door, she ran to the bathroom and puked AGAIN. 15 minutes later, she staggered onto my couch and just sat there making weird moaning noises and kept saying she can't believe how sick she got after only a "few" drinks (she was drinking like a fucking fish) and a few minutes later, she ran to the bathroom and puked yet again! Good God! What the hell did this girl eat?? Anyway, I gave her a few aspirin and put a blanket on her as she laid on the couch. I also put a trash can next to the couch in case of emergency. She laid her head on my chest as we watched whatever was on TV. This brought back memories of when we used to date and i noticed again how physically attractive she was, but then I remembered that she had spent most of the night puking her brains out and she could do the same all over me. That's when I kinda "pushed" her to the other side of the couch. The couch is stain resistant, I'm not.

Anyway, she had passed out and I was getting tired, so I laid her on her side and went to bed. It had been a long time since I had to do the "let a drunk friend crash at my place" routine, hopefully it will be the last.