What the Hell?

Right before I went to bed, I had a lengthy conversation with a friend of mine about uber religious cult people or something and then I had this crazy dream about being in the middle of a desert in some hole in the ground surrounded by a bunch of weird looking witch ladies speaking in crazy tounges and throwing slices of cheese at me. Afterwards, I proceed to beat the hell out of them with a big boot while screaming "I don't want your stinkin' butter scotch!!" Butter Scotch? What the fuck? This is the second time that I can remember yelling about butter scotch. The first time was when I was waking up in recovery after surgery and the anestesia hadn't quite worn off yet. I hate fucking butter scotch!!



Okay, that was random.

Shaun of the Dead Review (no spoilers)

one cool limey



Sunday I went out with Manda to see the movie Shaun of The Dead and I freakin' LOVED IT. By far it is the best movie I've seen in months! It combines old school zombie horror with a bit of dark comedy. It was great. The zombies looked great, the cast was great, it was just a great movie!

The whole concept was brilliant: Think about it, if the world was being taken over by zombies would we really notice? I mean it's not so hard to believe. We've all heard stories about commuters stepping over dead bodies on subways or ignoring cries for help. Hell, I remember driving home from work and saw this homeless guy bleeding badly from the head and yelling that he just got robbed, but nobody even batted an eye. Hell, even I kept driving (I'm not a fucking saint). What if the guy was bitten by a zombie??



Everyday we go through the same, painful, tedious motions of our lives with all the enthusiasm of a dead fish until we start to resemble the living dead. Society's ever increasing level of apathy self-absorbing attitude is well portrayed by the main character Shaun as the world is literally going to hell around him, He doesn't notice though because he's too caught up in much more important tasks such as goofing off with his fat slob of a roommate, Ed, bitching about his shitty job and trying to salvage his failing relationship with his girlfriend (who is SOOOO much better than he deserves).



Anyway, enough of the social commentary shit, this is just a good movie! I wasn't bored once, although it was kind of hard to understand the thick British accents at times, but I got the general idea. I wanted to KILL Ed because he kept fucking up everything and nearly gets everyone killed on several occassions, but he was still likable. We ALL have friends like Ed.

The special effects were very well done for a movie with a limited budget. I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of gore in this film. The comedy was funny, but not over the top wacky funny like it could've easily been. It had just the right amount of dark humor to keep me entertained. Hell, there were actually a couple of emotionally tense moments as well, especially the part where Shaun has to make a pretty harsh decision concerning someone very close to him. I Won't spoil it though!



Manda didn't like the movie, but she was hit many times in the head when she was a kid so I'll forgive her.



Enough yappin'. I highly suggest you watch this film and keep an eye out for zombie-like behavior.

His name is.....CILANTRO

After I saw Shaun of the Dead with Manda we met up with her friend Raimi to have dinner at a Mexican restaurant. For once I actually liked one of her friends! He was a pretty cool guy and funny as hell. Anyway, I noticed the server was quite smitten with Manda. No one else noticed, but I know a player when I see one. Raimi and Manda didn't believe until Manda asked him for more Salantro and the guy proceeded to have a 5 minute conversation with her about the exotic spice and it's erotic qualities, totally ignoring Raimi and myself.

Then he did it. After he gave Manda the spices he actually carressed her shoulder! Just like that! Raimi's mouth hit the table and said that he WAS hitting on you! I love it when I'm right. Of course Manda was acting all retarded and denies it, but throughout the night the dude (we named him CILANTRO by this time) kept coming back and making passes at Manda! He even started calling her "baby!". This takes a lot of balls considering there were two other guys sitting at the table with her. Even though neither one of us is dating her, HE didn't know that! Sheesh…once can't help but feel a little insulted.



Of course Manda didn't help the situation by telling CILANTRO to give her a back rub. Obviously CILANTRO didn't hear her as he walked away. Plus she stared at his ass when he bent over.



When we left, CILTRANO yelled "bye, baby" to Amanda and she smiled seductively at him (though she denies it).



I told her that Mexican men really dig the white women. Especially blondes. Especially 6 foot blondes.



Man. No wonder i never stood a chance with her. Apparently she digs the Latino Heat and irresistable seductive power of the……… CILANTRO.

MEN SUCK! WOMEN RULE!

still scared of spiders



I was listening to the radio on the way to work today and I hear this ad for Hardee's called "The Cooking Show for Guys". It's narrated by this monotone, slow sounding country dullard who sounds like he had just suffered a stroke instructing men on how to open a fucking box of cereal. Apparently we're so unbelievably stupid that we are completely incapable of open a simple plastic bag without using a knife to jab it open. Of course the dude just assumes we'll fail as the sound of an exploding cereal box can be heard and tells us to just give up and go to Hardee's.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I noticed that there is a disturbing trend going on right now with advertisements today: DUMB MEN. SMART WOMEN. It's fucking true! Men are constantly depicted as slow witted, brutish simpletons, completely helpless without the sage wisdom of their infinitely superior female counterparts.



Case and point, those fucking tampon commericials where the guys are so mind numbingly STUPID that they don't know what a fucking tampon looks like! Oh, and low and behold, here comes the near omnipotent chica condensendingly patting the idiot on the head, thus establishing her estrogen powered superiority.

Come the fuck on! I'm as manly as they come and I'd rather stick my penis in leech infested swamp water than go anywhere near the tampon aisle, but I still know what one fucking looks like!



Then there's the dog food commercial where the guy mistakes FUCKING DOG FOOD for some kind of exotic dish and is about to EAT IT, until ta da! You guessed it, some old snobby rich bitch takes it away from him like a child and gives it to her dog and proceeds to give the man some stuck up smirk. Of course the guy continues to look like a tard holding a dog food covered cracker.

Look, I don't care HOW fucking expensive dog food is, it's still fucking DOG FOOD and it's all made up of the same shit: various horse and cow parts. It all smells the same too.... LIKE SHIT! There is no fucking way I would ever mistake fucking dog food for something else unless you put A TON of seasoning and spices in it. No fucking way.



Hell, even beer commercials that are supposed to be catering to men make us look like drunken idiots and more often than not, the women are usually shown to be the responsible, sane ones. That's bullshit. Anyone who has any kind of social night life can tell you that women are usually the ones out of control at the bars and clubs. They're the ones passed out in the street with their skirts over their heads or they wind up on one of those stupid "Girls gone Wild" tapes. Also, they're usually the ones who get into fights.

I guess it wouldn't be too PC to see drunken idiotic women in beer commercials would it? But it's perfectly fine to see men make buffoons out of themselves. Please.



Speaking of alchohol, what about that commercial (forgot the name) for that wine or something and the guys are literally jumping through hoops for their wives so they can have permission from their women to have some fucking crappy wine or whatever the shit was. Just walk up to the bitch and TAKE IT!

I'd LOVE to see it the other way around where the chicks have to do a lap dance to earn some crappy wine, but that'll never happen.



Oh yeah, and the classic movie The Stepford Wives was recently be remade into some shameless male bashing piece of garbage where the lead character is a cold, shallow and self serving bitch from hell who constantly degraded her smaller and weaker husband, but by the end of the movie she comes off being the "hero" as she defeats the "evil" men of Stepford and liberates her sisters from their tyranny. The smaller weaker husband continues being her bitch at the end of the movie. yay... Fortunately this movie was so incredibly bad that not many people have even heard of it which is a very good thing.



This rampant emasculation of the male gender is getting pretty damn old. Did a bunch of flannel wearing, man hating, golf playing uber femenists suddenly take over all of media?



I understand the need for strong role models for young girls and all that bullshit, but you don't need to cut off the balls of the men. Give me a fucking break



I could go on, but now I'm bored.

Money scare

Okay, I spent Friday and most of Saturday night, cleaning and rearranging my place (it was a lot harder than I thought it'd be) and after all the dust had settled (literally), I decided to reward myself by going on a little night on the town. After getting showered and dressed and looking mighty damn fine, I went to get some cash from the ATM. I nearly pissed my pants when it said my remaining balance was 158 dollars!! BULLSHIT!!! The first thing that came to mind was IDENTITY THEFT! Some low life cock sucking mother fucking dip shit has stolen my money!!!



I did a balance inquery, but the fucking machine said the network was down! FUCK! I went to 3 other ATMS and they said the same fucking thing! What the hell is going on! I sped back home and tried checking my account online and wouldn't you know? The system was down for upgrades! Fucking wonderful.



I was thinking about a million different scenarios on how could this have happened: Did someone hack my paypal account? Did somebody see my account number on one of my bank invoices? Did those mother fuckers at Verizon decide to have a little spending frenzy fun with my money???



Since it was now 3am there was little I could do until later one. Didn't get much sleep when the sun came up and the first thing I did was go back online and check my account. The system was back up and to my relief my funds were still intact. Just to be sure, I checked various ATMs for balance inqueries and everything checked out. Just to be safe, I'm going to call the main office first thing Monday. It appears I still have money to indulge in the hookers after all.



Man, what a fucked up way to ruin a weekend.

RONALD'S A RACIST! (yet another commercial rant)

It's yet another lame ass and RACIST McDonalds Chicken Selects Commercial.



A white woman and a black man are sitting on a stoop of assumingly thier home eating chicken in an urban setting. The black guy finishes his shitty chicken, and starts looking for a fucking toy (he assumes it comes with a toy). The woman, obviously smarter because she's white, tells the guy that "It doesn't come with a toy." Hmmm, clever white person and a dumb black savage? Obviously a white person made this commercial.

Hell, here's the unedited version:



Stereotypical "cool" Black dude: "Mah chickin's finished, biatch! Where be ma mutha fuckin treot o tha week!?"

(Derogatory cursing/slang)



Rich white debutant: It doesn't come with a toy, nigger. I took it from you, and gave it to my WHITE children. Now stop looking so fucking stupid and paint my fence.



The End.



Thanks McDonald's, you're a fucking pox.

More commercials that piss me off.

The ones I hate the most of all are the drug commercials. Not the just say no or the *Insert whatever* Is my anti-drug ones, the so-called legal stuff that is supposed to help you, but sounds twice as deadly as whatever you're taking it for.



Here's the new drug burnbigon. Studies show that it can significantly reduce your heartburn and indigestion, BUT.................





Side effects include nausea, bloating, headaches, backaches, Your bones may age at high speed, your liver may turn into solid metal, and in some cases, the user has been known to release an explosive gas that can destroy half a city block.



I don't know about you, but I'd feel safer just living with the heartburn.



The one for Erectile Disfunction kills me. "In the rare case that you have an errection for more than 4 hours, you should seek medical help." HELL NO!!! If I've got the power for hours, I'm seeking help alright, Soft, warm, naked, FEMALE help. If she happens to be a doctor, so be it.



That's just me though.

Random Rant of the day.

Nothing could be more fucking annoying than that first McDonald's Chicken selects guy. For one, that guy has the most ambiguous ethnic background of all time, he is just..."ethnic". Indian? Italian? White?



Secondly he's in a corporate environment with a fucking sock on his wrist as some sort of emo/indie rocker statement. First that is unprofessional, second you're like almost 30, GROW THE FUCK UP AND STOP LISTENING TO SHITTY MUSIC MADE FOR TEENAGERS YOU FUCKIN' MORON.



And just the way he pronounced "Chicken Selects" is just the epitome of total douchebaggery. This guy needs to help himself to some Draino.

I blame Bush!

we're through the looking glass, people.

Clearly this is a conspiracy from the Bush Administration, using the US weather machine situated in the North Pole to distract us from the elections and war in Iraq. The Military Industrial Complex is at it again OMG!!!

Back in BLACK.

The old white template sucked monkey balls. Once you go black you NEVER go back.

Here we go again.

Well I had a talk with the girl I've been hung up over the past few months about the "casual" thing: I told her I thought the "casual relationship" was just a fancy way of saying "fuck buddies". She disagreed. She said that the casual relationship is not quite "official" but it's more than friends. Oookay...I told her to elaborate and she said basically it's like an official relationship without the pesky hassles of that commitment thing. I said so basically you're free to date whoever you want while in this "casual" relationship. She said yes, but she wasn't thinking about doing that. She also said if she DID that she would at least tell me about it first before she followed through (how thoughtful). She also said (again) that she liked me. I've pretty much poured my guts out to this girl for the past couple of months and exposed a level of affection that FEW have ever seen from me and pretty much put everything on the line, hail mary, all or nothing, leap of faith, let it ride,etc and the most I get in return is "I like you." Gee...thanks. She also said some things had happended and didn't bother telling me what.



She went on about fearing commitment and all that, but I pretty much got the message.





You know you always hear this bullshit about these women who want a nice normal relationship with no games and blah blah blah. My question is WHERE ARE THESE WOMEN? Why can't I meet any of them? All I want is a nice normal commited girlfriend. All I seem to get are "modified partnerships". Crap like fuck buddies, flings, booty calls, casual relationships, whatever. FUCK that.



I really wanted this girl to be that girlfriend, but I just have to accept the fact that she's just not interested in that kind of relationship, at least not with me (though I suspect there might be a third party involved. hmmm..)



My friends say I should just cut my losses and revive the "plan B project".



Ugh...why can't it ever be easy?

Issues much??

This is an email from one of my friends concerning my current situation:



Okay this is my opinion on platonic male/female friendships. I think it is like playing with fire male/female friendships..men are from Venus woman are from Mars....ever heard of that book? It can happen only in rare situations. For instance, if two people have been married and had children then they become friends to be civil for the children again look at the statistics of that; pretty low! Anyway, like I said it is RARE if those two people are not attracted to each other in any way then it may work.



I have been down the road of "just being friends" HA what a joke! I have even tried being "just friends" with ex's HA same thing! What a joke!!! This is my opinion.



 I have seen your situation time and time again. You'll probably go get an opinion from one a your female friends and she will say I am jealous woman....fine with me.  It's just my opinion from my own experiences. This girl you're interested in is either too immature, confused or she's just jerking you around and seeing someone else. Whatever the case may be this girl obviously doesn't feel the same way for you as you do for her and she never will. Hate to be cruel, but that's probably the case. "I don't know" Please! If she "likes" you so much why can't she make it official? What's with this casual nonsense? Something's fishy about that. How old is she? Eighteen?? I say it's time to get the hell out of Dodge.



 Anyway, whatever is comfortable to you - you will keep on doing.



 Hope you're having a good weekend!

-J



MAN. I thought I had issues!

You know the funny thing is that she seems to have completely forgotten that our 7 year friendship started from when we used to date. LOL! Oh well, I've always respected her brutal honesty which is why she is my friend!

Spider girl

eek! it's so icky!

I was sleeping in Sunday, enjoying being just a big lifeless blob of goo when I hear someone banging on my door. I get up and look through the peephole and I see that it's my downstairs neighbor who looked pretty freaked out. I quickly put on some clothes and opened the door thinking that she had just been robbed, attacked or there was a fire or something really bad. I asked her if she was alright because she was literally shaking like a leaf, pale as a sheet and on the verge of tears. Well it turned out that the big emergency was...... a spider. That's right... a fucking spider. I looked at her, trying to keep my cool and asked her how big the spider was. She showed me by using her index finger and thumb and apparently it was about as big as a pencil head eraser. Man, I thought it was some sort of joke, but she was dead serious. I've never actually seen someone with a clear cut case of arachnophobia until now.



Anyway, she obviously knocked on her my other neighbor's door while I was getting dressed because he came out and asked what was wrong. He also seemed REALLY eagar to help her out, being the single guy that he is. I just closed my door and let the "hero" handle the spider slaying duties and went back to bed.



Apparently, he wasn't very effective at it since I heard the girl screaming downstairs a few minutes later. Oh well...maybe a love connection was made.

Predator versus zombies

I was thinking one day what would happen if two of my favorite movie icons: predator and zombies decided to have a fight. I think my friend Kenny and I were having one of our deep philosophical conversations when we thought of this particular scenario.



Anyway, I drew a quick sketch of it HERE

The wrath of Ivan

saw this outside my window



Well K-town has been getting poured on ever since Ivan decided to take a little tour of the Southeast. I woke this morning to a giant freakin' water park! Damn this crummy state! They spend millions each year on road work yet they can't seem to grasp the idea of proper water drainage! I swear if it rains over an inch the roads flood and sink holes swallow buildings. Fucking ridiculous.

Well one good thing came out of it though. My loud ass frat daddy neighbor's patio got flooded out and it looks like it'll only be a matter of time before their living room is next. I got a profound sense of pleasure watching them try to bail water out of their patio. Heaven forbid that the keg gets water logged. Word of advice to anyone moving to East Tennessee: DO NOT get a ground level apartment. Sooner or later you WILL get flooded out. I guess these dumb asses didn't get the memo. Fuck 'em.



I really didn't want to come into work today because i didn't want to deal with the notoriously bad K-town drivers. These fucking idiots seem to think that since they're in some huge SUV or truck, they're immune to mother nature's fury and can drive 65 mph down a rain soaked street. Yeah that's probably why I saw two of them in a ditch and one stalled out in the middle of a puddle that ressembled a small lake. It was a Range Rover too. No doubt the owner believed those commericials showing the Range Rover blasting through the dense jungles of darkest Africa or South America or some bullshit like that.

I guess it never dawned on them that the Rovers shown where HIGHLY modified versions of the watered down yuppie mobiles they're driving. Sheesh... dumb ass soccer moms.



Oh well, I made it to work safe and sound and the rain is still coming down in buckets. This is gonna be a long day.

Rammstein-Angry nazi music

anyone else see the irony in this picture?



So I was listening to them in the office for the hell of it and I found myself actually liking these guys. Which is quite surprising since i hate most things Eurotrash.

Something about angry sounding German cursing and heavy metal to get the ol' blood flowing! Rammstein…man, them nazis know how make good music! Makes me wanna pic on some minorites....oh wait...

One thing I can't stand……

People who call each other "baby". Pet names are annoying enough, but none elicit the kind of stomach churning nausea as "baby". The only time I want to hear adults call each other that is when I'm watching porn or when I'm gettin' it on with a chick (because I don't hear a word she's saying anyway). Other than that, it just creeps me the hell out.

Casual

Well I finally know what kind of "relationship" I've been in the past few weeks: casual is the OFFICIAL classification. Although it wasn't the kind of "official" I was hoping for, I now know where I stand and I'm finally released from that unbearable void of uncertainty.



I'd rather take a thousand disappointments than be trapped in that shitty limbo again.



Don't know what I'll do now. I'm thinking.... ROAD TRIP!!

Funny cuz it's true

heh. nice.

DAMN WOMEN rant.

husband has 3 inch penis



Why the FUCK are men expected to make the first move??? Women have no fucking right to complain about dating or hooking up if their too damn lazy to get off their asses and take the initiative. It's simple: You like a guy, you tell the guy you like him. WHY ALL THE FUCKING GAMES??? Fuck "body language!" or "subtle signs" just tell the guy you like him for crying out loud!!!!!



And what's with this bullshit of chicks pretending they're not interested even though they ARE interested? It probably took a lot for the guy to finally approach and express his interest in you WHY can't you do the fucking same?!! What really kills me is when chicks actually act hostile towards the guy and get pissed off or confused when they dude doesn't talk to her anymore. WELL WHAT THE FLYING FUCK DO THEY EXPECT?!!



I hear chicks say that once they let a guy know that they like them, they're afraid that it might turn him off. News flash, dumb asses! I've NEVER EVER EVEEEER met a guy who would be turned off by a woman who approached them first.

If the chick does get turned down it's probably because she's ugly or the guy is...just NOT interested!

Oh boo hoo!! Girls are scared of being rejected?! Well welcome to the fucking world of men! We face that possibility every fucking time we approach chicks. We don't have a choice because you chicks are too lazy, scared or clueless to make the first move yourselves so we have to jump through your friggin' hoops!



Yeah, yeah, I know there are exceptions and all that, but I don't give a shit right now. That's why it's called a RANT.

YEEEEEEEHAAAAA!!!!!

my next purchase



HELL FUCKIN' YEAH!! The assault rifle ban has finally been lifted! That means I'm free to purchase all the assault rifles I want for hunting and self defense. Yup... you never know when my migh have to kill a whole mess of deer in a hurry and that's when a full auto AR-15 will come in handy! Cuz it's a well known fact that deer have to be shot 2 or 3 dozen times before they go down. If you don't then they'll run off with your children (they're well known child eaters), stomp yer dog and key your pick up truck. It's true! A man has a right to defend his family from these murderous animals!

Thank you, G-Dubyuh and god bless Americuh!

An awkward proposition

So an old friend of mine called whom I haven't seen in a few months and we caught up on old times and talked about other misc. crap like that including our lousy luck with the opposite sex. It was a nice little pity party and it felt good to talk to somebody who could relatea and all that and then she asked me why we never "hooked up."

I told her because we never really officially dated and the most intimate thing we did was hug and kiss (the same way someone would their mother).



She laughed and flat out said that she thought that we would have "great sex" together. I started laughing and then realized that she wasn't really kidding. I told her she should've said something 2 years ago. It would be too weird since she's officially become one of my many "little sisters" so the thought of gettin' it on with her freaks me the hell out.



Then again.... she does have a rather....nice body....hmm.... NAAAH! Too weird!!



Anyway, she said she would be in town on Saturday and it would be nice to see me again and blah blah blah, but I told her I had plans with someone I have much more interest in.



Sucks for her. She had her chance at the good stuff and she blew it!



What is with all these chicks coming out of the woodwork lookin' for a booty call??? Am I not worth more than that? *sob* I'm more than an incredible awesome stud with an unlimited sexual stamina and a mind blowing sex drive who has the ability to satisfy the most insatiable sexual appetites. I'm a human being with feelings DAMMIT! I just wanna be loved... *sniff* is that too much to ask?? Sometimes it's hell being me.



Think I'll look in the mirror and flex for a couple of hours.

crappy ass Saturday Night.

Well, I just got my new check card in the mail last week and decided it was time to go on another night on the town, aka: Tour of Booty! Sounds like fun, huh? WRONG:



bleh... well I started out the night going to the formally swanky and reclusive jazz club called "4620". Or it used to be before they started advertising now every 30 to 50 year old yuppie couple goes there and it just gets too balls crowded.



Anyway, I guess I stumbled in on "chain smokers night" or something because I swear I could only see 2 feet in front of me because there was so much damn smoke.

I probably lost about 5 years from my life. Mother fuckers...



Anyway, the band turned out to be a really shitty cover band and the actually play fucking Rocky Top for crying out loud! Rocky Top! Gotta love Tennessee.



I got the hell outta dodge smelling like a giant ashtray and my left eye was completely blood shot. Don't know why it was only the left eye, but it looked pretty damn gross.



Next stop was downtown in the Old City. Well when I got there, I saw about 12,000 cars lined up to go in. I said fuck it and quickly did a u turn and once again got the hell outta dodge.



I went on home after going to the store and buying some cookies and passed the fuck out.



Now I remember why I don't miss the "nights on the town."

My Canadian moment…

saw a sick chinese woman



I remember a couple years ago during the height of the SARS scare, I was in the gym doing my thing and this asian woman standing next to me sneezed. I kind of froze and instantly thought OHMIGOD SHE HAS SARS AND SHE'S KILLED US ALL!!! I'M TOO GOOD LOOKING TO DIE!!! AIIIEEEEE!!!!"

Then I calmed the fuck down and thought to myself: what the fuck are you doing acting like a scared little sissy girl? What are you, a fucking Canadian??? Dumbass Canucks shut down an entire city because some chinese old lady has a head cold.



Well I know by default that I'm superior to ANY damn Canadian and I slapped myself in the balls for behaving like one. Then I slapped myself in the balls again because I'm that damn awesome……plus it felt kinda nice.



Other things that piss me the fuck off about Canada:

Communism. It's a well known fact that they're ALL bunch of godless, freedom hating pinkos.

The Metric system. The natural enemy of any red blooded American.

WTF is "ABOOT?" or "ABOAT?"

Celene fucking Dion. Bitches nose is about a mile long (that's 1.6+km for any metric tards reading this)

Fucking Mounties. Yeah… they ain't gay or nothin'.

1 dollar= 10000 Canadian dollars or whatever the fuck they use.

They actually tolerate and use the French language. That alone deserves a nuking.

They refer to themselves as the "Great WHITE North." RACIST!

Lumberjacks

Curling. 'Nuff said.

Large satanic worshipping population. It's true! I read it somewhere.

Hitler was born there.

That Avril Lagaverreine-whatever bitch.

Emos. I'm pretty sure Canada is responsible for unleashing this blight upon the world.

That fat land whale bastard Micheal Moore worships the country, so that entitles automatic hatred from me.

Old women drink the blood of newborns to gain power.

All the men there have tiny penises and are sterile.





All of the above is true because I wrote it.

I'm so gay.

join us!



Today I found myself carrying an umbrella because i didn't want to get my spiffy new brand name shirt that matched my pants and shoes wet. To make matters worse, it was BARELY SPRINKLING.



What the fuck was that about?? I've gotta watch a shit load of good 'ol hetero porn and eat some red meat before I turn into a complete nancy boy.

I should probably stop listening to "It's Raining Men" on a daily basis as well.



It's a really nice shirt though.

IHOP adventure...sorta

Went to eat at IHOP with Manda as a sort of a mini-celebration about her interview plus she hadn't eaten all day. To my surprise, she actually ate all her food this time. Not only that, but she finished before me as well. Not that it's saying much since I'm a notorious slow eater, but still--it's the first time she's beaten me.

She also made fun of my "new" cell phone, saying that her 80 year old professor had one just like it. What the fuck ever. Not my fault new cel phone models become obsolete overnight. I just know this one is light years ahead of my old phone and I'm only paying 29 bucks a month compared to her 60+, so there.



The server was kind of annoying, asking us if everthing was all right every 2 minutes, but I guess he was just making sure he earned his tip so I didn't kick him in the face.



Speaking of servers, Manda is convinced that one of them was hitting on me (the same one I stated as being cute in the past) I told her she was full of crap and she was just trying to earn more for the tip share. Manda's still convinced otherwise, but I really don't think so. I asked her why would she hit on me with her sitting right there. For all she'd known, she could be my girlfriend or wife or whatever (which she's not). She told me that women are shameless like that. OOokay.

Anyway, this server chick knows what she's doing. She's very aware on how attractive she is and she uses that to manipulate the poor unsuspecting slobs who eat there into giving her or her fellow servers a bigger tip, thus earning a bigger tip share. I know all about those shenanigans.



Anyway, I think Manda's trying to get back at me for suggesting that some server at AppleBee's was hitting on her (WHICH HE WAS), awhile back, but she of course denies this as well.



After dinner, we continued giving each other a hard time (and withstanding Manda's window shattering belches) before going our separate ways.

Good news for Manda.

Just learned that Manda has an interview with the job she really wanted to get. That's pretty damn cool. She sounded really happy on the phone which was nice to hear. I told her that she may not want to fart during the interview. They tend to frown upon such things. Oh crap! I forgot to tell her not to do one of her window breaking belches either.

I'll tell her that when we meet at IHOP tonight.



IHOP in the middle of the week. That's different.

Slick Willy's ticker

Bill Clinton under went major heart surgery the other day and is in critical yet stable condition. I just want to be the first to say WHO GIVES A FUCK!! Seriously, who the fuck cares that this mediocre ex-president's bum ticker? Is this really such a huge fucking surprise?? The fat ass fucker lived off Mcdonald's junk food for most of his life. What the fuck did they expect to happen???



The news was going on and on about how healthy he looked and how much weight he's lost. Yeah, probably because he has a butt load of STDs, the womanizing rapist mother fucker. Healthy?? Just because they always showed his fat ass jogging he was supposed to be healthy? Where did he always to? That's right, fucking Mcdonald's. Kind of defeats the purpose of exercise doesn't it?



I'm so sick of this piece of shit. What the fuck did he do as president anyway besides sell US secrets to China and fuck a few interns? NOTHING. Fuck him. Fuck his legacy, fuck his butt ugly daughter and lesbian wife, and fuck his swollen piece of shit heart.

Katie Couric

digs black men a lot









I was up early today and turned on the tv (which I rarely do) and watched a little of the Today show as I got ready for work. Katie Couric was on interviewing the dumb ass prosecutor who blew the Kobe case and I noticed that Katie is a pretty hot chick. She was wearing a low cut skirt like suit that showed plenty of leg and cleavage and her hair was longer and lighter. The last time I looked at the today show, she had short red hair and dressed like a school teacher plus Al Roker was still a great big fat ass.



Sheesh, I barely recognized her. She's come a long way and she just looked stunning, esepecially considering the fact that she's pushing 60 and has squirted out about a dozen kids.



If I were that lawyer there's no way I would've been able to concentrate with those crossed legs and cleavage staring me right in the face, inviting me to come play with them. Obviously he was gay.



Then again, it was pretty damn early and I might as well have "beer goggles" at that time of day. Still, it was a pleasant image.





The bitch's fake ass smile and perkiness still bugs the hell outta me though.

The Caucasian Persuasion

Well, we have heard all the time about white women being black man's kryptonite. But why is that? We already hear of white women wanting black men(big dick yadda yadda yadda), but why is it said that black men are fascinated with white women? If you are a black(or other minority male, that's cool too) with an attraction to white women, explain what it is that you feel draws you to them... Facial features, the hair, the eyes, skin tones, what makes you lust after white women? Is it a certain unfamiliarity, the differences and contrasts between you and a white woman that makes you lust after them even more?



An odd series of questions I know, but I was bored and curious. I mean hell, we always hear the Kobe jokes, "No black man can resist the temptation of a white woman!" Movies and shows where black men are paired up with white women more often than the other way around. Even the image of black men obsessed with white women, such as in the movie "Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood!" we see a character obsessed with an uncontrollable desire for white women. We always hear about the white women wanting black men, but what about the black men wanting white women? Why are white women considered... The Black Man's Kryptonite?



Personally, I've never understood this, since my ideal woman is the woman who says "yes" when I asked them out. Yeah, I have my preferences like everyone else, but I don't limit myself to a particular race. I mean why should I limit my awesomeness to just one group of ladies? This is something that should be shared by every girl on an international level. One love, baby. One love!*



(*NOTICE: if you're old, fat, ugly, retarded, stinky, stupid, crippled, boring, annoying, French, psycho, bird lover, hairy, oily, overly religious, cross eyed, toothless, flat butt, a commie, flat chested, painfully skinny, freckled, or a midget, don't bother. Matter of fact, don't even make eye contact with me.)

I'm a fucking NINJA.

you know it!



Okay, I'm at the car wash minding my own business washing my bad ass love machine (Toyota Camry) when this huge wasp tries to start some shit with me. This motherfucker keeps buzzing me and getting in my face, just being a fucking asshole for no apparent reason and all I'm trying to do is wash my fucking car!



Well my patience for nature had run out and I decided that this fucker had to die NOW. So acting solely on instinct, as soon as the bastard got in my face I fucking NAIL it with a stiff round house kick! That's right. You heard me... I fucking KICKED a fucking wasp out of the fucking air!!!

The bastard bounced off a wall and landed in a puddle of soapy doom! In your face, Jet Li! Kiss my ass, Bruce! Burn in HELL Jackie! There's a NEW bad ass in town.



Man, that was so sweet, I would've wailed on my guitar if I had one with me...and if I knew how to play a guitar.



Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta put some ice on my balls.

Oh boy...

I think one or both of my parents have discovered my blog. This should be interesting.

Locked down on Saturday Night.

Damn it. I was having such a great day too. Got some shopping done, paid my bills on time, had a great workout and got hit on by a 24 year old chick. I decided to reward myself with a Chocolate Tall Cake at Ruby Tuesday. Damn... that thing was bigger than I remembered, but I managed to finish it off.



Anyway, I got back home, showered up and got ready to go out again to "play the game" (confidence is high after the 24 year old chick encounter and I was doped up on chocolate).



That's about the time I discovered that I had lost my check card. Son of a bitch!! Never realized how much I used that damn thing until I lost it! There was no way I was gonna use any of my credit cards. Those are for emergencies only. Although not being able to go out on the town to meet the ladies is a bit of a chrisis, it's not worth pulling out the plastic over.



Anyway, I canceled out the card and wound up sitting at home all night.



Fuck! Now I'm gonna be one of those putz's who keeps everyone waiting in line because they're so busy concentrating on filling out they're fucking checks!! Oh well... what the fuck are ya gonna do.

Interesting Saturday night

I was doing a little clothes shopping at the 'ol Planet Exchange when I got into a conversation with some chick about the new store's layout. Nice girl named "Chris". 24 year old marketing major who had a vast knowledge of sci-fi and useless facts that nobody cares about. Anyway, we had a discussion about Aliens vs. Predator and how much it sucked monkey balls which was cool and everything, until I started to get a little bored. Besides I really lost interest in her when I found out that she was only in town for the weekend visiting family before going back to Washington state so a Plan B possibility went right out the window.

She asked me if I was going to Boomsday later on tonight. Boomsday... the annual Labor Day event in Knoxville when all the unwashed yokels gather around by the thousands to see a bunch of fireworks being shot off over the river while cheesy 80s rock music blares in the background. "Lookit all dem purty colors, ma! HYUCK!" Fuck that.

I told her some bullshit line about having to get up early the next day for a road trip or something and wished her luck.



Too bad. If it weren't the whole living 2000 miles away thing, she could've had some potential.



Ah well....the search continues.

Blast from the past

Okay I just got out from a patented late night workout at the gym and was cruising the aisles of Wal-mart where I see a rather attractive woman on the other end.

I work my way to her to get a better look and to my horror I realize it's my ex-girlfriend! But she's not alone! There's some 7 foot monster dude walking with her! Anyway, I very casually made a sharp right before she spotted and I had to go through the ordeal of pointless small talk and awkward introductions.



Still...she looked pretty damn good. I have pretty good taste! This is encouraging for my quest for a plan B.

Plan "B"

Okay you know it's a bad sign when the one girl you like encourages you to talk to other women or find a Plan "B". Translation: "I may or may not feel the same way you do about me."



Subtle.



Ahh, the "friend zone", my dreaded nemesis... we meet again.



Great. Now I have to wear clean clothes, shower and shave daily and actually go out to places I hate, but I have no choice because that's where chicks like to gather. After that, I have to "play the game" and go through the legions of brain dead or otherwise uninteresting bimbos to find that one chick that has a brain, but then I find out that she has a husband/boyfriend or is harboring some deep emotional timebomb just waiting to blow up in the face of some unsuspecting shmuck (me).



Or maybe she's just a lezbo.



In any event, this is gonna be troublesome.

My new toy

no, I'm not compensating for a small penis



My latest addition to my knife collection. It's the machete version of the Kukri. Unlike a true Kukri knife, it can't cut through two phone books, but it cuts through vegetation and zombie skulls just fine.

Damn Canuckleheads

The hell?? Earlier tonight I was laying in my bed, enjoying the blessed silence and thinking of ways I could increase my already staggering awesomeness when I get a call.

It was Lisa fresh from her trip from Atlanta, but that's not the important part. The part that got my attention was that she told me that I had a "fan". This is really no surprise to me since I have millions of them, but she told this one actually had the balls to leave a comment.



Usually I don't bother to look at my comment tab because honestly I forget it's there, but apparently some chick from Canada for crying out loud really digs my blog (they all do). She left a rather lengthy comment, giving me multiple props about my awesomeness and blah, blah, blah. I guess that's pretty cool. She said she told all her friend's about my blog and they dig it as well (imagines scantily clad 18-26 girls giggling at computer screen and engaging in an all out tickle fight for no good reason and saying "aboot" a lot)hehehehe...



Um... where was I? Oh yeah, she seems like a cool girl and all, but with my luck she's probably some underaged, 500lb goth chick who really isn't a goth chick because she secretly listens to Linkin Park and thus betrays her cooky goth ideals. The only thing that's preventing her bloody suicide is my blog....wow...the power of life or death is in my hands... this could be fun.



Welcome to my world.



okay, now I'm bored.

Mariell's birthday

It was my co-worker Mariell's birthday yesterday and the whole office decided to celebrate over at Barley's. Normally I would have stayed behind and gotten some work done, but Mariell is a cool kid so I made it a point to go. She turned the big 25. Man... i can't believe how old she is. She looks like she's 12.



Tinah (Mariell's aunt) showed up as well and she got a chance to see the "dirty" side of me when I started talking about the hot chicks of the beach volleyball. She's never heard me talk about women like that since I'm usually pretty refrained with people I don't really know or associate out with. I wouldn't be surprised if she thought i was still a virgin! HA! Anyway, it was funny seeing her expressions. She's definitely not one who surprises easily. I think i took a couple of other co-workers by surprise as well since i don't really hang out with them. They're a cool bunch of people to work with, but I don't see myself hanging out with them or anything. We're just different people.

A little fun was had at my expense about my "bad luck" with the ladies. I was tempted to tell them I have better luck than they give me credit for, but I decided to let them live in their ignorance. Besides, it's not like it's any of their damn business.



The food took fucking forever and the server forgot my water and then she forgot my straw. That kinda sucked. Glad I didn't pay for it. The boss man took care of that, which was cool. Only bad part is that the food i ordered made me bloated as hell and i had a serious case of being gassy. I was sparkin' them off all day.



Not a bad little b-day lunch.