A friend of mine told me earlier that I was one of her GOOD friends.
That's cool and everything, but I just kept thinking why would anyone have BAD friends?
How odd.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Surprising
I'm sitting behind this computer, still recovering from a night of gorging and gluttony to talk about a revelation.
Just when you think that someone you know is the most pathetic, hard headed, stubborn, selfish masochistic nimrod whose only future is one of pain and misery with no hope of recovery, they do something you didn’t expect them to do…. They change… for the better.
They’ve taken the initiative and actually began taking steps to improve themselves as a person despite the overwhelming odds stacked against them. They surprise you with their maturity and strength, thus taking the first steps to living up to the potential you always knew they had.
Though they didn’t do quite the way you had in mind, the important thing is that they are doing it… in their own way. It also makes you take stock in your own “tendencies” that could be worked on, thus making you stronger as well.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I have to lay down for awhile.
Just when you think that someone you know is the most pathetic, hard headed, stubborn, selfish masochistic nimrod whose only future is one of pain and misery with no hope of recovery, they do something you didn’t expect them to do…. They change… for the better.
They’ve taken the initiative and actually began taking steps to improve themselves as a person despite the overwhelming odds stacked against them. They surprise you with their maturity and strength, thus taking the first steps to living up to the potential you always knew they had.
Though they didn’t do quite the way you had in mind, the important thing is that they are doing it… in their own way. It also makes you take stock in your own “tendencies” that could be worked on, thus making you stronger as well.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I have to lay down for awhile.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Selfish friends
I just noticed something. I've noticed that there's a HUGE double standard with some of my "friends" when it comes to listening.
I’ve spent countless hours listening to my friends’ various problems and so called day crisis which range from family issues to some putz at work that looked at them wrong, I take it all in and listen to every word because to me, that’s what a friend does.
HOWEVER, whenever I have an issue that needs addressing or I want to get something off of my chest, these same “friends” suddenly don’t have the time to listen. They’ll either change the subject, get distracted by something stupid, pretend to listen, forget everything I said, 10 minutes later or my favorite, change the topic BACK TO THEM. Fucking ingrates
Usually I just let that shit slide, but no more. I used to say that I don’t expect anything in return for my help. Well that’s BULLSHIT. I’m not freakin’ Jesus and for now on there’s a fee… if you want me to listen to your problems you’re going to have to listen to mine. I don’t think that’s too much of a price to ask, do you?
Besides, I’m sure my “petty” problems PALE in comparison to yours, but guess what? You’re going to have to hear them anyway.
If you can’t do that, fine. I don’t lay my issues on friends who don’t ask or are otherwise uncomfortable listening to such things, that’s cool… not everyone can do the Dr. Phil thing, BUT don’t you fucking dare lay your shit on me. It’s selfish, it’s annoying and it’s a sure fire way for me to boot your irritating ass out of my life!
My name is Vincent.
I like pancakes.
I’ve spent countless hours listening to my friends’ various problems and so called day crisis which range from family issues to some putz at work that looked at them wrong, I take it all in and listen to every word because to me, that’s what a friend does.
HOWEVER, whenever I have an issue that needs addressing or I want to get something off of my chest, these same “friends” suddenly don’t have the time to listen. They’ll either change the subject, get distracted by something stupid, pretend to listen, forget everything I said, 10 minutes later or my favorite, change the topic BACK TO THEM. Fucking ingrates
Usually I just let that shit slide, but no more. I used to say that I don’t expect anything in return for my help. Well that’s BULLSHIT. I’m not freakin’ Jesus and for now on there’s a fee… if you want me to listen to your problems you’re going to have to listen to mine. I don’t think that’s too much of a price to ask, do you?
Besides, I’m sure my “petty” problems PALE in comparison to yours, but guess what? You’re going to have to hear them anyway.
If you can’t do that, fine. I don’t lay my issues on friends who don’t ask or are otherwise uncomfortable listening to such things, that’s cool… not everyone can do the Dr. Phil thing, BUT don’t you fucking dare lay your shit on me. It’s selfish, it’s annoying and it’s a sure fire way for me to boot your irritating ass out of my life!
My name is Vincent.
I like pancakes.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Invasion of the pregnoids
flee while you still can!!!
There are few things more painful than hearing a couple of yappy women go on about fucking pregnancy. Fraggin' pregnasaurs acting like they're the center of the universe because they're about to squirt out some screaming rug rat. Millions of chicks give birth every freakin' day, it's not that much of a "miracle" so get your big ol' belly out of my face and get off your fucking high horse. So you spread your legs and some shmo injected you with his man juice.... whoopdee fucking doo!
It's painfully obvious that they're pregnant since they're as big as a small country and yet they just feel the need to constantly remind everyone that they are and shove their bloated bellies in everyone's faces for good measure. If this wasn't bad enough, they just HAVE to tell you all about their lovely rituals, ordeals, stories, side effects, etc that goes with being a pregnasaur.
Yeah, I really love to hear about swollen feet, bad gas and morning sickness while I'm trying to eat lunch! Gah!Granted, some pregnoids are pretty cool about their pregnancy and don't lord it over everybody, but these are few and far between. My sister tried doing this while pregnant with her first kid, but a quick push down some stairs took care of that!
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure a lot of you think that I just "don't understand" and will never experience the joys and wonders of pregnancy since I'm just a dumb brute of a man. Well of course I will never understand the joys and wonders of pregnancy! I have a penis! I'll leave that little "privilege” for all you pregnoids and pregnoid wannabes out there. You can have it!
In the meantime, I'll continue to express my discontent for all you annoying knocked up harpies in my own special way and you can do two things: nothing and like it!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Shitty cartoons.
grown men drew this
So...I'm sitting here watching 12 oz. Mouse...TRYING to give it a fair chance, but Jesus Christ Superstar this shit is horrid....it's uglier than a shit-smeared anus with sprinkles. This might be the worst-looking cartoon I've ever seen in life...obviously they made it this ugly on purpose...but still...come on, man. There are 7 year old kids who could likely make a better-looking show. A little off point---the theme music sucks too. Anyway, yeah...I can't even think of anything that's visually worse than this 12 oz. Mouse bullshit.Also on my mind while thinking of this topic --"KONG". It looks slightly worse than the Spiderman cartoon from the mid 90s....and the animation is even worse.Worse than Kong, but still better than 12 oz. Mouse...there's Code Lyoko, which I accidentally saw the other night. The kids look like they have Down Syndrome....those huge ass heads...and that 3d looks like it's straight out of 1993.
Oh then there's the Klasky Csupo cartoons. You know the company that crapped out shit stains like Rug Rats and Real Monsters, etc.
Yeah...those helped in the downfall of Nickelodeon, in my opinion. Rugrats are the ugliest babies I've seen since the Olsen twins back in the day. If my child came out looking like that, I'd leave the hospital....and head on out to Alaska or something...never looking back. Baby Dill was the last straw for me...I was done when that piece of shit was added to the show. He looks like a crackbaby AND a "premie" at the same time. If there was ever a poster child for abortion, then this.... thing was it. Seriously, if I was knocked up with this abomination and I saw it on the ultra sound, I would order the doctor to break out the ol' hoover vaccum and suck the little anti-christ out of me. Hell, fuck it, I'd get a rusty coat hanger and do the job myself!
Then there's Mike, Lu and Og, and Hey Arnold!, where characters actually look retarded for real.
ughh.... the cartoon biz has no talent and too much money. A dangerous combination indeed.
Wednesday, November 9, 2005
My quickie Sex and the City update review
Okay, I've managed to see a few more episodes of this show and I have to say that my stance has somewhat lightened I'M NOT GAY!!!!
Ahem... anyway, instead of coming up with some long ass review, I'll just give a critique about the four main chracters.
Miranda: I'm really starting to love this woman. Her dry humor, unflinching cynicism and smart ass remarks have made her my favorite character. Plus her red hair and the fact that she digs the bruthas is a plus, too!
Charlotte: At first I found her Martha Stewart prissiness to be extremely annoying, but now I find it hysterical, especially after hooking up with that disgusting bald lawyer dude. Seeing her interact with her polar opposite makes for some interesting situations. Her facial expressions are classic and she has a nice meaty ass too!
Samantha: Still a slut, but she has her moments. She’s probably the cartooniest of them all since she’s a mix of Cruella Deville and a Monty Python character.
Carrie: I hate this dirty, dirty cheating SLUT with a passion!!! Fucking dumb ass, materialistic piece of monkey trash!! I feel nothing for the bitch at all and I hope she gets what’s coming to her!! I swear if I hear this ass clown say “Mr. Big” one more fucking time, I’m gonna throw a cat at the television and you know I’ll do it, too!! She is everything I hate in a woman!
URRRGH!! I want her to die die DIIIIIIEEE!!!!
Note: this has nothing to do with Sarah Jessica Parker. I think she’s a somewhat decent actress and I’m sure she’s a nice person, despite her hideous ugliness.
Okay, I’m done.
Ahem... anyway, instead of coming up with some long ass review, I'll just give a critique about the four main chracters.
Miranda: I'm really starting to love this woman. Her dry humor, unflinching cynicism and smart ass remarks have made her my favorite character. Plus her red hair and the fact that she digs the bruthas is a plus, too!
Charlotte: At first I found her Martha Stewart prissiness to be extremely annoying, but now I find it hysterical, especially after hooking up with that disgusting bald lawyer dude. Seeing her interact with her polar opposite makes for some interesting situations. Her facial expressions are classic and she has a nice meaty ass too!
Samantha: Still a slut, but she has her moments. She’s probably the cartooniest of them all since she’s a mix of Cruella Deville and a Monty Python character.
Carrie: I hate this dirty, dirty cheating SLUT with a passion!!! Fucking dumb ass, materialistic piece of monkey trash!! I feel nothing for the bitch at all and I hope she gets what’s coming to her!! I swear if I hear this ass clown say “Mr. Big” one more fucking time, I’m gonna throw a cat at the television and you know I’ll do it, too!! She is everything I hate in a woman!
URRRGH!! I want her to die die DIIIIIIEEE!!!!
Note: this has nothing to do with Sarah Jessica Parker. I think she’s a somewhat decent actress and I’m sure she’s a nice person, despite her hideous ugliness.
Okay, I’m done.
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
People should listen to me.
I’ve decided the world would be much better place if everyone listened to me, but a lot of humanoids just don’t seem to get it.
For years I’ve been surrounded by dumb fucks who do the most idiotic things you can imagine that cause them pain, misfortune and overall embarrassment for years to come. The sad thing is, all of this could have been avoided if they had just listened to me. I’m convinced that I’m the sole person on this planet that possesses a little thing called common fucking sense! It’s not too difficult of a concept to understand, but it seems to elude the grasp of a lot of people out there.
For example, I know this one broad who is concerned that her boyfriend is cheating on her. I told her to run down the facts with me which are: Constant excuses on why he can’t take her out anywhere, mysterious phone calls that he has to take in another room, actually shaving and wearing clean clothes, calling his cell, only to hear the call waiting signal and he never clicks over, lying about hanging with the boys, finding strange hairs in his car, he gets excited when she tells him she’s going out of town, etc.
Well it’s pretty damn obvious that the dude is up to no good, but this poor deluded girl won’t accept the obvious. Oh, and when she comes face to face with his infidelity, she’s absolutely devastated!
Well, bitch, if you hadn’t dismissed the advice of a long time friend and defended this dirt bag you’ve only known for a few months you wouldn’t be in this little predicament! Fuck you and suffer! Serves you right for not listening to me!
I can’t even remember all the times I’ve pointed out to chicks that their boyfriends were gay or tipped toed through the tulips, but were my observations heeded? Hell no! Now they have to live with the stigma of being dumped for a dude! Ha! Take that, non-believers!
Here’s a hint, ladies: if you ever had to help apply your boyfriend’s make up and he’s not a rodeo clown or it’s not Halloween, HE’S GAY. That, or just really screwed up and is only one high heel away from killing hookers and wearing their skins.
Oh yeah, my favorite is when friends go out with the worst possible women ever! Okay, he met this chick who has done time for possession; she’s been in and out of rehab for years, cops know her by NAME and she has an on again, off again biker boyfriend who is currently doing time (whom she still visits), but is due to be released in a couple of months. Well, I told the dude the obvious, but was I listened to? Of course not! Three weeks after moving the skank in with him, she robs his ass blind, including, clearing out his bank account and is probably laughing at his ass in Mexico right now! Dumb fuck.
Anyway, I’ve decided that mortal man just isn’t ready for my special power. For now on, if anyone asks for my advice, I’m going to smile and nod and tell them exactly what they want to hear. “You’re getting married to an ex-con who may or may not have murdered his wife and her poodle?” Great idea! Hope it works out! You don’t look fat in that outfit at all, by the way!”
For years I’ve been surrounded by dumb fucks who do the most idiotic things you can imagine that cause them pain, misfortune and overall embarrassment for years to come. The sad thing is, all of this could have been avoided if they had just listened to me. I’m convinced that I’m the sole person on this planet that possesses a little thing called common fucking sense! It’s not too difficult of a concept to understand, but it seems to elude the grasp of a lot of people out there.
For example, I know this one broad who is concerned that her boyfriend is cheating on her. I told her to run down the facts with me which are: Constant excuses on why he can’t take her out anywhere, mysterious phone calls that he has to take in another room, actually shaving and wearing clean clothes, calling his cell, only to hear the call waiting signal and he never clicks over, lying about hanging with the boys, finding strange hairs in his car, he gets excited when she tells him she’s going out of town, etc.
Well it’s pretty damn obvious that the dude is up to no good, but this poor deluded girl won’t accept the obvious. Oh, and when she comes face to face with his infidelity, she’s absolutely devastated!
Well, bitch, if you hadn’t dismissed the advice of a long time friend and defended this dirt bag you’ve only known for a few months you wouldn’t be in this little predicament! Fuck you and suffer! Serves you right for not listening to me!
I can’t even remember all the times I’ve pointed out to chicks that their boyfriends were gay or tipped toed through the tulips, but were my observations heeded? Hell no! Now they have to live with the stigma of being dumped for a dude! Ha! Take that, non-believers!
Here’s a hint, ladies: if you ever had to help apply your boyfriend’s make up and he’s not a rodeo clown or it’s not Halloween, HE’S GAY. That, or just really screwed up and is only one high heel away from killing hookers and wearing their skins.
Oh yeah, my favorite is when friends go out with the worst possible women ever! Okay, he met this chick who has done time for possession; she’s been in and out of rehab for years, cops know her by NAME and she has an on again, off again biker boyfriend who is currently doing time (whom she still visits), but is due to be released in a couple of months. Well, I told the dude the obvious, but was I listened to? Of course not! Three weeks after moving the skank in with him, she robs his ass blind, including, clearing out his bank account and is probably laughing at his ass in Mexico right now! Dumb fuck.
Anyway, I’ve decided that mortal man just isn’t ready for my special power. For now on, if anyone asks for my advice, I’m going to smile and nod and tell them exactly what they want to hear. “You’re getting married to an ex-con who may or may not have murdered his wife and her poodle?” Great idea! Hope it works out! You don’t look fat in that outfit at all, by the way!”
Happy Birthday!!
A big happy birthday goes out to my good friend Cheryl who turns a big 29 today!! Hmmm... I could've sworn she turned 29 last year and the year before that... oh well. Happy birthday anyway!
Thursday, November 3, 2005
Trading Spouses: My new guilty pleasure
Funniest show on TV. Last night was golden and it's a two part episode. This huge woman (who looks like the mother from 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape') who is a Jesus Freak with ark sized chip on her shoulder goes to a house of hippies. She thinks Tarot Cards are the work of the Devil, and she got visably upset when she saw a star on the back of barn (She thought it was a Pentagram..but it clearly wasn't). She then started to smell something, then she ran around throwing up. She thought the dryer was possesed.
Meanwhile, the hippie mom (who was a hypnotist) went to live with the crazy fat lady's family. She tried hypnosis on fat woman's daughter..who promptly fell asleep. Then fat ladies friends come over and attack hippie woman with questions: 'What religion are you? Do you believe in Jesus?' And all this stuff. She looked like she was about to beat some ass.
Also, hippie woman's husband is a radio talk show host and fat lady took a few calls. First it was ok..then a gay psychic showed up. She then started going off. She rudley said (on the air) that she wasn't happy and psychic's are the work of the devil. She then ran away screaming at the camera to find her a church. She started praying and calling for the Holy Spirit to come in her.
But next week looks aweesome. She goes ape shit crazy cussing out people, ripping shit, and praying. All because the hippie woman wasn't Christian and 'everything she touched was tainted.'
Funniest line (To the camereaman): 'SHE'S NOT A CHRISTIAN?!?!?! SHE'S A GARGOYLE!!!!! GET THAT FUCKING SHIT OUT OF MY HOUSE IN JESUS NAME I PRAY!!!!!'
Meanwhile, the hippie mom (who was a hypnotist) went to live with the crazy fat lady's family. She tried hypnosis on fat woman's daughter..who promptly fell asleep. Then fat ladies friends come over and attack hippie woman with questions: 'What religion are you? Do you believe in Jesus?' And all this stuff. She looked like she was about to beat some ass.
Also, hippie woman's husband is a radio talk show host and fat lady took a few calls. First it was ok..then a gay psychic showed up. She then started going off. She rudley said (on the air) that she wasn't happy and psychic's are the work of the devil. She then ran away screaming at the camera to find her a church. She started praying and calling for the Holy Spirit to come in her.
But next week looks aweesome. She goes ape shit crazy cussing out people, ripping shit, and praying. All because the hippie woman wasn't Christian and 'everything she touched was tainted.'
Funniest line (To the camereaman): 'SHE'S NOT A CHRISTIAN?!?!?! SHE'S A GARGOYLE!!!!! GET THAT FUCKING SHIT OUT OF MY HOUSE IN JESUS NAME I PRAY!!!!!'
Wednesday, November 2, 2005
Everyone should have a friend like me.
Okay, so I'm I'm in the mall, well actually i was dragged to the mall and I was sitting in the designated "waiting area" where people (mostly men) who don't want to be at the mall sit and wait for the people who dragged them there to finish shopping for shit they don't even need.
ANYway, I saw several... things... wobble by that looked like women and they were wearing the most hideous outfits I have ever seen. Come to think of it, it wasn't the outfits that looked bad, it was the giant slugs that were wearing them that made them look so bad. I'm sorry, but if you weigh over a certain weight or your body is shaped a certain way or your skin sags a little too low, you DO NOT need to be wearing clothes that bring attention to these things
My god, seriously... noooobody wants to look at that.
Then I thought of something... it's probably not completely their fault... somebody somewhere, perhaps a friend told them that they looked good. That's probably the cruelest thing you could ever do to someone, let alone somebody you consider a friend. Maybe you're trying to spare their feelings, maybe you don't want to look like a dirtbag or maybe you're just trying to boost her self-esteem.
If you are doing this, then do us all a favor and blow your fucking brains out! How DARE you release those monstrosities upon the unsuspecting public like that! That is soooo fucking wrong!
If your friend looks like a disgusting piece of whale shit in a certain outfit, then for god's sake TELL THEM THAT!! Don't let them out of the fucking house! Everyone can look good as long as they dress according to their body type.
Take me for instance... I wouldn't look too good wearing a speedo and a mid drift and THAT'S why I don't fucking wear them... well that and the huge gayness of it all. So why the hell would some 5'5 250 pound she beast look any better?? Because thier weak kneed PC douchebag friends told them they would that's why!
VERY few women can rock a g-string and a micro mini and look damn good doing it. It's just a fact, but you can still look good... unless you're one of those huge women with cankles and arms that roll over your elbows, then there's no hope for you at all. Well I suppose a very large tarp might work.
What was my point?? Oh yeah, everyone should have a friend like me because I'm always up front with that sort of thing. If you want an honest opinion about how you look, then you're going to get one. If you look good, I'll tell you, if you look like warmed over shit, I'll tell you that as well, but in a more... tactful way of course. You may not want to hear it, but at least they know I'm not going to bullshit you and let you go out looking like crap, especially if I'm going to be going to be seen in public with you.
Don't agree with me? Then you're a turd sucking pig rapist!
Man... I could eat some Reece's Peanut Butter sticks right about now.... mmmmmm... Reeces....
ANYway, I saw several... things... wobble by that looked like women and they were wearing the most hideous outfits I have ever seen. Come to think of it, it wasn't the outfits that looked bad, it was the giant slugs that were wearing them that made them look so bad. I'm sorry, but if you weigh over a certain weight or your body is shaped a certain way or your skin sags a little too low, you DO NOT need to be wearing clothes that bring attention to these things
My god, seriously... noooobody wants to look at that.
Then I thought of something... it's probably not completely their fault... somebody somewhere, perhaps a friend told them that they looked good. That's probably the cruelest thing you could ever do to someone, let alone somebody you consider a friend. Maybe you're trying to spare their feelings, maybe you don't want to look like a dirtbag or maybe you're just trying to boost her self-esteem.
If you are doing this, then do us all a favor and blow your fucking brains out! How DARE you release those monstrosities upon the unsuspecting public like that! That is soooo fucking wrong!
If your friend looks like a disgusting piece of whale shit in a certain outfit, then for god's sake TELL THEM THAT!! Don't let them out of the fucking house! Everyone can look good as long as they dress according to their body type.
Take me for instance... I wouldn't look too good wearing a speedo and a mid drift and THAT'S why I don't fucking wear them... well that and the huge gayness of it all. So why the hell would some 5'5 250 pound she beast look any better?? Because thier weak kneed PC douchebag friends told them they would that's why!
VERY few women can rock a g-string and a micro mini and look damn good doing it. It's just a fact, but you can still look good... unless you're one of those huge women with cankles and arms that roll over your elbows, then there's no hope for you at all. Well I suppose a very large tarp might work.
What was my point?? Oh yeah, everyone should have a friend like me because I'm always up front with that sort of thing. If you want an honest opinion about how you look, then you're going to get one. If you look good, I'll tell you, if you look like warmed over shit, I'll tell you that as well, but in a more... tactful way of course. You may not want to hear it, but at least they know I'm not going to bullshit you and let you go out looking like crap, especially if I'm going to be going to be seen in public with you.
Don't agree with me? Then you're a turd sucking pig rapist!
Man... I could eat some Reece's Peanut Butter sticks right about now.... mmmmmm... Reeces....
Women say the darndest things.
Here's a few random quotes i've stumpled onto over the months that I thought were just adorable.... until i found out that they were uttered by grown women.
"It's not pollution that is damaging our natural environment... It's the imperfections in our air and our water that are doing it."
- Pamela Anderson, February 2000)
"Smoking kills you, and if you die, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields on a federal antitobacco campaign in 1998
"That shameless tramp deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey.... And I'm just the one to do it!"
- Claudia Schiffer referring to Naomi Campbell in 1998
"If you could live forever, would you and why?"
"I would not live forever, because we shouldn't live forever, because if we are supposed to live forever, then we could live forever, but since we can't live forever, that is why I could not live forever"
- Miss Alabama in Miss America 1994
"Everyday I watch the TV and look at those poor starving kids around the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I would love to be that thin, but not with all those flies and death and stuff...."
- Mariah Carey (1999)
"I have not committed any crime, I just didn't follow the law."
- J'Lo after being arrested with Diddy
"If there was a nuclear holocaust, which couple would you pick (man and woman) in the world so they can preserve and multiply the human species?"
"Pope John Paul II and Mother Theresa"
- Carolina Zuñiga, Miss Chile 2000 (Chile as in the South American country)
"What kind of music do you like?"
"CD music."
- Natalie Paris (model) in an interview with Time magazine
"Where would you like to travel and why?"
"To Rome, because it is the place where Our Lord Jesus Christ was born."
- Marilu Bonchini, candidate to Miss Argentina 1999
"I've never smoked weed because it causes cellulitis."
- Valeria Mazza (model)
"It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
- J'Lo (2000)
"Which historical character would you like to meet?"
"I would definetly like to meet Lady Di... fortunately, she's already dead."
- Alexia Zambrano, candidate to Miss Colombia 2002
"Do you think all the pretty girls are dumb?"
"No, there are also ugly girls who are dumb...."
- Paris Hilton
And this is local contribution from myself from some bitch i knew back in high school:
"Is your penis gray? I heard black people's penises were gray..."
Note that this dumb bitch said black PEOPLE. Yeah, we're all sexually ambiguous man chicks with big ol' swinging gray dicks. What the fuck! Bitch was lucky i didn't slap her silly with my freakish grey man stick.
"It's not pollution that is damaging our natural environment... It's the imperfections in our air and our water that are doing it."
- Pamela Anderson, February 2000)
"Smoking kills you, and if you die, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields on a federal antitobacco campaign in 1998
"That shameless tramp deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey.... And I'm just the one to do it!"
- Claudia Schiffer referring to Naomi Campbell in 1998
"If you could live forever, would you and why?"
"I would not live forever, because we shouldn't live forever, because if we are supposed to live forever, then we could live forever, but since we can't live forever, that is why I could not live forever"
- Miss Alabama in Miss America 1994
"Everyday I watch the TV and look at those poor starving kids around the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I would love to be that thin, but not with all those flies and death and stuff...."
- Mariah Carey (1999)
"I have not committed any crime, I just didn't follow the law."
- J'Lo after being arrested with Diddy
"If there was a nuclear holocaust, which couple would you pick (man and woman) in the world so they can preserve and multiply the human species?"
"Pope John Paul II and Mother Theresa"
- Carolina Zuñiga, Miss Chile 2000 (Chile as in the South American country)
"What kind of music do you like?"
"CD music."
- Natalie Paris (model) in an interview with Time magazine
"Where would you like to travel and why?"
"To Rome, because it is the place where Our Lord Jesus Christ was born."
- Marilu Bonchini, candidate to Miss Argentina 1999
"I've never smoked weed because it causes cellulitis."
- Valeria Mazza (model)
"It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
- J'Lo (2000)
"Which historical character would you like to meet?"
"I would definetly like to meet Lady Di... fortunately, she's already dead."
- Alexia Zambrano, candidate to Miss Colombia 2002
"Do you think all the pretty girls are dumb?"
"No, there are also ugly girls who are dumb...."
- Paris Hilton
And this is local contribution from myself from some bitch i knew back in high school:
"Is your penis gray? I heard black people's penises were gray..."
Note that this dumb bitch said black PEOPLE. Yeah, we're all sexually ambiguous man chicks with big ol' swinging gray dicks. What the fuck! Bitch was lucky i didn't slap her silly with my freakish grey man stick.
Back from the Dead
Well after surviving an epic road trip, nagging relatives, shitty parties, drunken sluts and a particularly nasty strain of the stomach flu, I'm finally back to spread my goody goodness to the internet.
Just as soon as I can think of something to say.
Just as soon as I can think of something to say.
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