People should listen to me.

I’ve decided the world would be much better place if everyone listened to me, but a lot of humanoids just don’t seem to get it.
For years I’ve been surrounded by dumb fucks who do the most idiotic things you can imagine that cause them pain, misfortune and overall embarrassment for years to come. The sad thing is, all of this could have been avoided if they had just listened to me. I’m convinced that I’m the sole person on this planet that possesses a little thing called common fucking sense! It’s not too difficult of a concept to understand, but it seems to elude the grasp of a lot of people out there.

For example, I know this one broad who is concerned that her boyfriend is cheating on her. I told her to run down the facts with me which are: Constant excuses on why he can’t take her out anywhere, mysterious phone calls that he has to take in another room, actually shaving and wearing clean clothes, calling his cell, only to hear the call waiting signal and he never clicks over, lying about hanging with the boys, finding strange hairs in his car, he gets excited when she tells him she’s going out of town, etc.
Well it’s pretty damn obvious that the dude is up to no good, but this poor deluded girl won’t accept the obvious. Oh, and when she comes face to face with his infidelity, she’s absolutely devastated!
Well, bitch, if you hadn’t dismissed the advice of a long time friend and defended this dirt bag you’ve only known for a few months you wouldn’t be in this little predicament! Fuck you and suffer! Serves you right for not listening to me!

I can’t even remember all the times I’ve pointed out to chicks that their boyfriends were gay or tipped toed through the tulips, but were my observations heeded? Hell no! Now they have to live with the stigma of being dumped for a dude! Ha! Take that, non-believers!
Here’s a hint, ladies: if you ever had to help apply your boyfriend’s make up and he’s not a rodeo clown or it’s not Halloween, HE’S GAY. That, or just really screwed up and is only one high heel away from killing hookers and wearing their skins.

Oh yeah, my favorite is when friends go out with the worst possible women ever! Okay, he met this chick who has done time for possession; she’s been in and out of rehab for years, cops know her by NAME and she has an on again, off again biker boyfriend who is currently doing time (whom she still visits), but is due to be released in a couple of months. Well, I told the dude the obvious, but was I listened to? Of course not! Three weeks after moving the skank in with him, she robs his ass blind, including, clearing out his bank account and is probably laughing at his ass in Mexico right now! Dumb fuck.


Anyway, I’ve decided that mortal man just isn’t ready for my special power. For now on, if anyone asks for my advice, I’m going to smile and nod and tell them exactly what they want to hear. “You’re getting married to an ex-con who may or may not have murdered his wife and her poodle?” Great idea! Hope it works out! You don’t look fat in that outfit at all, by the way!”