Waaah! (random rant)

You know what I hate? I fucking hate people who can’t accept responsibility for their own actions. Whenever something doesn’t go their way, somebody else is always responsible. God forbid that they could possibly be at fault! Perish the fucking thought! These fucktards lack the emotional maturity or are just plain too stupid to objectively look at their own actions and take the steps to fixing the problem. They could use this as a learning experience and make sure they don’t end up in a similar situation again, thus growing as an individual.

Noooo, it’s much easier to use someone as a scapegoat! It’s less of a hassle to take the easy way out and just bitch and whine and blame how so-and-so is such a selfish, cheating, lying, shitty piece of monkey crap who fucked up your life! Boo fucking hoo!
Well these selfish, cheating, lying, shitty pieces of monkey crap wouldn’t have been able to enter their lives if they didn’t let them in! These horrible people wouldn’t have been able to do what they did to them if they didn’t ignore the painfully obvious warning signs telling them to not get involved with them in the first place.
No, of course not, that would mean being held accountable for their actions. These empty sack punk asses need a serious kick in the ass (and a new set of balls as well).

I have been told that it’s “sooooo hard” for people to think in this way, especially if they grew up in a bad environment and there’s a certain age (mid 20s I think) when a person’s personality is pretty much set in stone. I say this is bullshit. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s not impossible as long as you swallow your pride, scrap up the courage to come out of your little comfort zone and step into the great unknown of self-improvement ( I speak from personal experience). However, if you’re perfectly happy being in your safe little world, then more power to you. Just ignore this rant. Just stay the fuck away from me when you bitch about some other so-and-so fucking you over because you let them.

If you’re too much of a pussy to do it on your own there’s always counseling, not all of them are completely useless you know. Personally I don’t see need to pay someone 200 bucks an hour to listen to me bitch and “discover” things about me that I can do by myself thank you very much. Then again, I’ve always been an exception to most rules, but that’s because I’m an amazingly awesome man

I’ve lost my train of thought, but you get the idea.

Fucking Santa

santa is a coke fiend

Santa...the good and jolly fat guy that we are told when we are younger, brings presents to everyone, but here's a question:

If Santa is so benevolent; then why does he hate poor people?

Just think about it: the children of wealthy families always get WAY more presents those of poor families thus proving that Santa is a biased elitist son of a bitch.

The fat mother fucker considers being poor is the greatest sin one can commit, so, that puts 'em on the 'naughty' list automatically...

Then again, it's not Santa's fault that poor people can't manage their finances...maybe if they weren't so hung up on 'Pimpin' their ride', or living in third world hellholes, they could afford to incur Santa's favor once in a while and get some decent presents for once.

Merry fucking Christmas, assholes.
__________________

KING KONG = RACIST propaganda!!

Recently, I caught the original black and white King Kong on cable, and I realized something:
King Kong is an expression of the white subliminal fear of black people.

If you watch the original Kong, he really resembles all the racial stereotypes and exaggerated features that white people have perpetuated over the centuries.
Especially ones that were prevalent for the times that it was created in.

But lets just disregard the caricature facial features that Kong possessed and let's look at his actions:

HE STEALS WHITE WOMEN.

Think about it... he resembled the greatest fears of the white man.

A big strong uppity negro that takes all the fine ass white women (because everyone knows that even the purest white woman can't help herself in the face of a negro advance).
One ready to take on any challenge with the charisma to bang his chest and shout out his opinion in the face of his white devil opressors.

They loved him when he was on display and there for their amusement, but as soon as he threw off his chains and wanted to think and work for himself... he had to be put down.

King Kong was racial propaganda warning the white masses about future negro zealots like Malcom X, Martin Luther King, Muhammed Ali and Tupac.

The white men feared this gargantuan beast, but in the end they killed him.
They would not let him climb to the top.
They would stop him at any cost.

The times have changed but the message is still clear:
Sing and dance for the white folks, or they will put you down.


If you disagree with me you're wrong and retarded because I'm always right.

Dr. Phil no more!

I have this friend. She’s smart, witty, incredibly beautiful and very successful at what she does. However, she’s also involved in a somewhat unstable reoccurring relationship with some dude that seems to be a great big loser, yet she keeps bringing him back into her life time and time again for about two years now.

Now initially I did the whole “over protective tough love Dr. Phil” friend routine and constantly lectured her about how much she’s wasting her life by being with this guy and blah blah blah, but obviously this fell on deaf ears.
Then I stopped and analyzed the situation. I realized the only picture I have from this guy was from what my friend had told me about him while she was mad and I’ve learned from past experience that women tend to… exaggerate certain things, especially when they’re mad.

This latest drama with my friend is no different except in her case, she’s afraid. She has real feelings for this guy and it scares her. So as a defense mechanism she finds each and every flaw he has and blows them way out of proportion to try to convince herself that she’s better off without him when in reality, she can’t think of anyone else she’d rather be with.
This frightens her because the last long term relationship she was in was a complete disaster and she does not want to take that chance again.

Well instead of telling her what she should do I told her to do what she wanted to do., I suggested that she quit wasting so much time trashing the guy and concentrate on making it work with him because though I don’t understand why, she obviously has some strong feelings for him.
I also requested that she stop all the frivolous dating with guys she has no interest in just to help distract her feelings for this dude because that will only end up hurting someone.

Will she heed this request? Of course not. One thing is for certain is that I’m fucking over doing the Dr. Phil thing. I love all my friends and I’ll do anything I can to support them, but I’m not a goddamn therapist and I have decided to stop projecting my way of thinking onto them because that usually leads to disappointment and frustration. Also, to be perfectly honest, I DON’T CARE about their relationships. As long as they’re happy and not being beaten, let them do what they want.
I have enough issues of my own to work out anyway.

Random confession again

It was a few years ago, my girlfriend and I were going to do something special for our 2 year anniversary so I rented a pretty swanky hotel room so we could "celebrate" the occassion and what a celebration it was! It was perfect: flowers, dinner, sweet talk and all that crap.

Anyway while we were in the middle of doing some in depth celebrating I realized that a really big college football game was about to start and not wanting to ruin the moment, I "positioned" my girlfriend so I could watch the game without interruption. She never realized what was going one, but she did ask me why I kept "pointing" her to the edge of the bed.


My team won, she felt special, everybody wins! hooray!

NARNIA Review... BIG ASS SPOILERS.

Well I saw the movie during a midnight showing so I thought I’d post my thoughts.


First, the good: The child actors all did well with Lucy and Edmund being the best primarily because they had the meatiest roles. Mr. and Mrs. Beaver were also well done and their scenes were enjoyable and they cut their screen time out just when they were starting to become annoying. The witch was hot. She was pasty, a little scrawny and she had a really bad weave, but for some reason I found her very attractive. that's really all I can think of.

The problems: First off is the problem with Narnia itself - it just isnt great fantasy. I hear the books are definitely on the light weight side and there just isn’t a strong fantasy world, large drama, or much in the way of complex themes. This is very much a children's series, moreso than even Harry Potter (despite this there are several fucked up moments that I will go into later). Good and Evil are so painfully apparent and there is no real depth to their actions. Also it seems as though C.S. Lewis just wasnt very big on the whole imagination thing: Everything we are confronted with in Narnia is either just a regular animal who talks, or a creature taken from fantasy lore created long before his time (centaur, griffen, faun, etc). Narnia itself isnt very breathtaking, it's sole monument being some lame ass lamppost (not quite Eisengaard but it will have to do).

Speaking of Lord of the Rings (which I don’t like much either), much of Narnia was also shot in New Zealand, and WETA did several of the effects in it. This perhaps partially explains why everything in the film feels like "Lord of the Rings-Lite", especially the “climactic” battle. Although where LOTR had Gandalf, we get Santa Claus… I kid you not… fucking SANTA CLAUS. What the fuck??? He comes outta nowhere and gives the kids a buncha weapons and takes off to molest some elves. Yeah, thanks for sticking around for the climatic battle between good and evil, Kris Kringle. The fucker could have at least given the brats some automatic weapons. Oh well.

A few more problems I had with the movie itself were this new age, Enya-like score that permeated the scenes, the constant use of dramatic slow motion, and a few of the matte shots were really bad.

The climactic battle scene, while unimpressive, was also somewhat bewildering. Having these kids take up weapons and fight and kill in this war is a disturbing image and it was not lessened by the quick build up to it. We’re led to believe that these kids from some british town I can’t even pronounce in the 1940s are supposed to be expertly proficient at medieval weapons in a span of a couple of days, killing battle hardened monsters that were 3 times their size with ease??

Peter was especially savage during this but it didnt seem for any good reason. What did he really care about narnia for? It seemed as if once they met Mufasa, I mean, Aslan they were cast under a spell (maybe thats the metaphor). That’s another thing I don’t get… they were prophesized to defeat the evil queen and rule as kings and queens yet this lion seemed to be doing all the real work while they just stood around playing with themselves. Also, am I the only who noticed the Jesus parallel when Mufasa, I mean, Aslan sacrifices himself for the sins of another only to be brought back to life??? COME ON.
This Lion comes back from the dead, has thousands of followers and he can literally bring the dead back to life, kills the strangely attractive witch, thus leading everyone to victory yet four British brats are destined to rule??
Then he takes off! Probably to go film The Lion King or something..


Then we have the ending which always freaked me out as a kid and still does onscreen. So they spend the next 20 years or so in Narnia, grow up, and then eventually make their way back through the wardrobe and pop out as kids again - do they look at themselves and go "oh shit, we have to go through puberty again?!" I don’t know about anyone else but that’s NOT an experience I would want to go through again!

Random thought yet again.

I wonder what happens to a vegetarian that suddenly finds him/herself stuck in a life-or-death situation...a situation where cannibalism is the only way to survive? Say you survive a plane crash...there's no food of course...I bet no matter how strong your convictions are...those fat people in the wreckage will start looking pretty delicious after awhile... And this just reminded me...it would be wise to always have a bottle of A-1 steak sauce on me,if Ishould I get on a plane one day...you never know when something like this might happen, and it would be nice to already have my A-1 handy for just such an occasion.

Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar.

After braving the stores, working feverishly to meet deadlines at work that never seem to end, and going on an unplanned roadtrip to Virginia *shudder*, I chilled out at Liz’s place and watched some movies, during which, she told me something that really grabbed my attention. She told me that I have a tendancy to read too much into things.
Now I can already hear all of you who know me yell a collective “DUUUUH”, so I’ll just stop a bit and let you get it out of your systems.



Done yet? Good.


ANYway, Liz’s revelation made me think… she’s right… I do tend to read too much into situations. I’ve learned through bitter experience that people either (A) Don’t really mean what they say or (B) they mean a lot more than what they are saying. This is particularly true, in my own personal experience with women.
I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve been left scratching my head when a woman does the exact opposite or what she told me. Each time I’ve confronted them, they more or less tell me the same thing: “you should have listened” or “you should have known”.

That’s when it slowly dawned on me. There’s more to listening than just hearing what they have to say, you have to “see” what they say. Subtle gestures like breathing, eye movement, tone of voice, cadence of their speech, etc. The slightest mannerisms can speak volumes if you know what to look for and it has saved me from a lot of headaches in the past. In other words, I could tell when they were full of shit.
Not all these women are evil deceitful bitches from hell. A lot of them simply don’t know how to articulate their feelings at the time which is why they tend to change their minds weeks or months later. If you’re a man, who likes the ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

A funny thing happened during my newfound “ability”. I got the reputation of being a “good listener” by being able to “understand” where not only women, but people in general were coming from which is funny, because I developed this ability to preserve my own sanity and nothing more. Oh well, happy accident I suppose and I take pride in being someone my friends and family can talk to.


However, despite how well my insight has served me over the years, there have been some downsides. Since I’ve been so conditioned to “look” for the truth, I often don’t recognize it when it’s right in my face. I learned that some people are WYSIWYGs (What You See Is What You Get) like me and have no problems articulating what they are feeling, but I don’t see this right away and assume they aren’t being 100 percent with me, which understandably causes some tension.
One rather painful realization of this fact came when Tacoma Home Girl punched me in the gut and told me to knock it off. Another recent and less painful realization was when Liz said she’s a simple kind of girl…. Oh and she told me to knock it off as well.
My deductive skills have far more benefited me than detracted, but I realize that I have to find a balance between finding the truth and seeing it for what it is.

Though a lot of times what a person initially says is just a thin veil covering the vast unconscious mind of an individual’s psyche and who knows…perhaps their very souls, but then again, sometimes a cigar is only a cigar.

Random words of wisdom

Never rub one off before you have to do something important. Doesn't matter what it is, you'll lose all motivation for doing it. You could be moments away from discovering the cure for freakin' cancer, spank it, then be like "fuck it, I'll do it tomorrow, I'm gonna take a nap now."

That is all.

A good friend.

A friend of mine told me earlier that I was one of her GOOD friends.

That's cool and everything, but I just kept thinking why would anyone have BAD friends?

How odd.

Surprising

I'm sitting behind this computer, still recovering from a night of gorging and gluttony to talk about a revelation.
Just when you think that someone you know is the most pathetic, hard headed, stubborn, selfish masochistic nimrod whose only future is one of pain and misery with no hope of recovery, they do something you didn’t expect them to do…. They change… for the better.

They’ve taken the initiative and actually began taking steps to improve themselves as a person despite the overwhelming odds stacked against them. They surprise you with their maturity and strength, thus taking the first steps to living up to the potential you always knew they had.

Though they didn’t do quite the way you had in mind, the important thing is that they are doing it… in their own way. It also makes you take stock in your own “tendencies” that could be worked on, thus making you stronger as well.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I have to lay down for awhile.

Selfish friends

I just noticed something. I've noticed that there's a HUGE double standard with some of my "friends" when it comes to listening.
I’ve spent countless hours listening to my friends’ various problems and so called day crisis which range from family issues to some putz at work that looked at them wrong, I take it all in and listen to every word because to me, that’s what a friend does.

HOWEVER, whenever I have an issue that needs addressing or I want to get something off of my chest, these same “friends” suddenly don’t have the time to listen. They’ll either change the subject, get distracted by something stupid, pretend to listen, forget everything I said, 10 minutes later or my favorite, change the topic BACK TO THEM. Fucking ingrates

Usually I just let that shit slide, but no more. I used to say that I don’t expect anything in return for my help. Well that’s BULLSHIT. I’m not freakin’ Jesus and for now on there’s a fee… if you want me to listen to your problems you’re going to have to listen to mine. I don’t think that’s too much of a price to ask, do you?
Besides, I’m sure my “petty” problems PALE in comparison to yours, but guess what? You’re going to have to hear them anyway.

If you can’t do that, fine. I don’t lay my issues on friends who don’t ask or are otherwise uncomfortable listening to such things, that’s cool… not everyone can do the Dr. Phil thing, BUT don’t you fucking dare lay your shit on me. It’s selfish, it’s annoying and it’s a sure fire way for me to boot your irritating ass out of my life!

My name is Vincent.

I like pancakes.

Invasion of the pregnoids

flee while you still can!!!

There are few things more painful than hearing a couple of yappy women go on about fucking pregnancy. Fraggin' pregnasaurs acting like they're the center of the universe because they're about to squirt out some screaming rug rat. Millions of chicks give birth every freakin' day, it's not that much of a "miracle" so get your big ol' belly out of my face and get off your fucking high horse. So you spread your legs and some shmo injected you with his man juice.... whoopdee fucking doo!

It's painfully obvious that they're pregnant since they're as big as a small country and yet they just feel the need to constantly remind everyone that they are and shove their bloated bellies in everyone's faces for good measure. If this wasn't bad enough, they just HAVE to tell you all about their lovely rituals, ordeals, stories, side effects, etc that goes with being a pregnasaur.

Yeah, I really love to hear about swollen feet, bad gas and morning sickness while I'm trying to eat lunch! Gah!Granted, some pregnoids are pretty cool about their pregnancy and don't lord it over everybody, but these are few and far between. My sister tried doing this while pregnant with her first kid, but a quick push down some stairs took care of that!

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure a lot of you think that I just "don't understand" and will never experience the joys and wonders of pregnancy since I'm just a dumb brute of a man. Well of course I will never understand the joys and wonders of pregnancy! I have a penis! I'll leave that little "privilege” for all you pregnoids and pregnoid wannabes out there. You can have it!

In the meantime, I'll continue to express my discontent for all you annoying knocked up harpies in my own special way and you can do two things: nothing and like it!

Shitty cartoons.

grown men drew this

So...I'm sitting here watching 12 oz. Mouse...TRYING to give it a fair chance, but Jesus Christ Superstar this shit is horrid....it's uglier than a shit-smeared anus with sprinkles. This might be the worst-looking cartoon I've ever seen in life...obviously they made it this ugly on purpose...but still...come on, man. There are 7 year old kids who could likely make a better-looking show. A little off point---the theme music sucks too. Anyway, yeah...I can't even think of anything that's visually worse than this 12 oz. Mouse bullshit.Also on my mind while thinking of this topic --"KONG". It looks slightly worse than the Spiderman cartoon from the mid 90s....and the animation is even worse.Worse than Kong, but still better than 12 oz. Mouse...there's Code Lyoko, which I accidentally saw the other night. The kids look like they have Down Syndrome....those huge ass heads...and that 3d looks like it's straight out of 1993.

Oh then there's the Klasky Csupo cartoons. You know the company that crapped out shit stains like Rug Rats and Real Monsters, etc.
Yeah...those helped in the downfall of Nickelodeon, in my opinion. Rugrats are the ugliest babies I've seen since the Olsen twins back in the day. If my child came out looking like that, I'd leave the hospital....and head on out to Alaska or something...never looking back. Baby Dill was the last straw for me...I was done when that piece of shit was added to the show. He looks like a crackbaby AND a "premie" at the same time. If there was ever a poster child for abortion, then this.... thing was it. Seriously, if I was knocked up with this abomination and I saw it on the ultra sound, I would order the doctor to break out the ol' hoover vaccum and suck the little anti-christ out of me. Hell, fuck it, I'd get a rusty coat hanger and do the job myself!

Then there's Mike, Lu and Og, and Hey Arnold!, where characters actually look retarded for real.

ughh.... the cartoon biz has no talent and too much money. A dangerous combination indeed.

My quickie Sex and the City update review

Okay, I've managed to see a few more episodes of this show and I have to say that my stance has somewhat lightened I'M NOT GAY!!!!
Ahem... anyway, instead of coming up with some long ass review, I'll just give a critique about the four main chracters.

Miranda: I'm really starting to love this woman. Her dry humor, unflinching cynicism and smart ass remarks have made her my favorite character. Plus her red hair and the fact that she digs the bruthas is a plus, too!

Charlotte: At first I found her Martha Stewart prissiness to be extremely annoying, but now I find it hysterical, especially after hooking up with that disgusting bald lawyer dude. Seeing her interact with her polar opposite makes for some interesting situations. Her facial expressions are classic and she has a nice meaty ass too!

Samantha: Still a slut, but she has her moments. She’s probably the cartooniest of them all since she’s a mix of Cruella Deville and a Monty Python character.


Carrie: I hate this dirty, dirty cheating SLUT with a passion!!! Fucking dumb ass, materialistic piece of monkey trash!! I feel nothing for the bitch at all and I hope she gets what’s coming to her!! I swear if I hear this ass clown say “Mr. Big” one more fucking time, I’m gonna throw a cat at the television and you know I’ll do it, too!! She is everything I hate in a woman!
URRRGH!! I want her to die die DIIIIIIEEE!!!!


Note: this has nothing to do with Sarah Jessica Parker. I think she’s a somewhat decent actress and I’m sure she’s a nice person, despite her hideous ugliness.

Okay, I’m done.

People should listen to me.

I’ve decided the world would be much better place if everyone listened to me, but a lot of humanoids just don’t seem to get it.
For years I’ve been surrounded by dumb fucks who do the most idiotic things you can imagine that cause them pain, misfortune and overall embarrassment for years to come. The sad thing is, all of this could have been avoided if they had just listened to me. I’m convinced that I’m the sole person on this planet that possesses a little thing called common fucking sense! It’s not too difficult of a concept to understand, but it seems to elude the grasp of a lot of people out there.

For example, I know this one broad who is concerned that her boyfriend is cheating on her. I told her to run down the facts with me which are: Constant excuses on why he can’t take her out anywhere, mysterious phone calls that he has to take in another room, actually shaving and wearing clean clothes, calling his cell, only to hear the call waiting signal and he never clicks over, lying about hanging with the boys, finding strange hairs in his car, he gets excited when she tells him she’s going out of town, etc.
Well it’s pretty damn obvious that the dude is up to no good, but this poor deluded girl won’t accept the obvious. Oh, and when she comes face to face with his infidelity, she’s absolutely devastated!
Well, bitch, if you hadn’t dismissed the advice of a long time friend and defended this dirt bag you’ve only known for a few months you wouldn’t be in this little predicament! Fuck you and suffer! Serves you right for not listening to me!

I can’t even remember all the times I’ve pointed out to chicks that their boyfriends were gay or tipped toed through the tulips, but were my observations heeded? Hell no! Now they have to live with the stigma of being dumped for a dude! Ha! Take that, non-believers!
Here’s a hint, ladies: if you ever had to help apply your boyfriend’s make up and he’s not a rodeo clown or it’s not Halloween, HE’S GAY. That, or just really screwed up and is only one high heel away from killing hookers and wearing their skins.

Oh yeah, my favorite is when friends go out with the worst possible women ever! Okay, he met this chick who has done time for possession; she’s been in and out of rehab for years, cops know her by NAME and she has an on again, off again biker boyfriend who is currently doing time (whom she still visits), but is due to be released in a couple of months. Well, I told the dude the obvious, but was I listened to? Of course not! Three weeks after moving the skank in with him, she robs his ass blind, including, clearing out his bank account and is probably laughing at his ass in Mexico right now! Dumb fuck.


Anyway, I’ve decided that mortal man just isn’t ready for my special power. For now on, if anyone asks for my advice, I’m going to smile and nod and tell them exactly what they want to hear. “You’re getting married to an ex-con who may or may not have murdered his wife and her poodle?” Great idea! Hope it works out! You don’t look fat in that outfit at all, by the way!”

Happy Birthday!!

A big happy birthday goes out to my good friend Cheryl who turns a big 29 today!! Hmmm... I could've sworn she turned 29 last year and the year before that... oh well. Happy birthday anyway!

Trading Spouses: My new guilty pleasure

Funniest show on TV. Last night was golden and it's a two part episode. This huge woman (who looks like the mother from 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape') who is a Jesus Freak with ark sized chip on her shoulder goes to a house of hippies. She thinks Tarot Cards are the work of the Devil, and she got visably upset when she saw a star on the back of barn (She thought it was a Pentagram..but it clearly wasn't). She then started to smell something, then she ran around throwing up. She thought the dryer was possesed.

Meanwhile, the hippie mom (who was a hypnotist) went to live with the crazy fat lady's family. She tried hypnosis on fat woman's daughter..who promptly fell asleep. Then fat ladies friends come over and attack hippie woman with questions: 'What religion are you? Do you believe in Jesus?' And all this stuff. She looked like she was about to beat some ass.

Also, hippie woman's husband is a radio talk show host and fat lady took a few calls. First it was ok..then a gay psychic showed up. She then started going off. She rudley said (on the air) that she wasn't happy and psychic's are the work of the devil. She then ran away screaming at the camera to find her a church. She started praying and calling for the Holy Spirit to come in her.

But next week looks aweesome. She goes ape shit crazy cussing out people, ripping shit, and praying. All because the hippie woman wasn't Christian and 'everything she touched was tainted.'

Funniest line (To the camereaman): 'SHE'S NOT A CHRISTIAN?!?!?! SHE'S A GARGOYLE!!!!! GET THAT FUCKING SHIT OUT OF MY HOUSE IN JESUS NAME I PRAY!!!!!'

Everyone should have a friend like me.

Okay, so I'm I'm in the mall, well actually i was dragged to the mall and I was sitting in the designated "waiting area" where people (mostly men) who don't want to be at the mall sit and wait for the people who dragged them there to finish shopping for shit they don't even need.

ANYway, I saw several... things... wobble by that looked like women and they were wearing the most hideous outfits I have ever seen. Come to think of it, it wasn't the outfits that looked bad, it was the giant slugs that were wearing them that made them look so bad. I'm sorry, but if you weigh over a certain weight or your body is shaped a certain way or your skin sags a little too low, you DO NOT need to be wearing clothes that bring attention to these things
My god, seriously... noooobody wants to look at that.

Then I thought of something... it's probably not completely their fault... somebody somewhere, perhaps a friend told them that they looked good. That's probably the cruelest thing you could ever do to someone, let alone somebody you consider a friend. Maybe you're trying to spare their feelings, maybe you don't want to look like a dirtbag or maybe you're just trying to boost her self-esteem.
If you are doing this, then do us all a favor and blow your fucking brains out! How DARE you release those monstrosities upon the unsuspecting public like that! That is soooo fucking wrong!
If your friend looks like a disgusting piece of whale shit in a certain outfit, then for god's sake TELL THEM THAT!! Don't let them out of the fucking house! Everyone can look good as long as they dress according to their body type.

Take me for instance... I wouldn't look too good wearing a speedo and a mid drift and THAT'S why I don't fucking wear them... well that and the huge gayness of it all. So why the hell would some 5'5 250 pound she beast look any better?? Because thier weak kneed PC douchebag friends told them they would that's why!

VERY few women can rock a g-string and a micro mini and look damn good doing it. It's just a fact, but you can still look good... unless you're one of those huge women with cankles and arms that roll over your elbows, then there's no hope for you at all. Well I suppose a very large tarp might work.

What was my point?? Oh yeah, everyone should have a friend like me because I'm always up front with that sort of thing. If you want an honest opinion about how you look, then you're going to get one. If you look good, I'll tell you, if you look like warmed over shit, I'll tell you that as well, but in a more... tactful way of course. You may not want to hear it, but at least they know I'm not going to bullshit you and let you go out looking like crap, especially if I'm going to be going to be seen in public with you.

Don't agree with me? Then you're a turd sucking pig rapist!


Man... I could eat some Reece's Peanut Butter sticks right about now.... mmmmmm... Reeces....

Women say the darndest things.

Here's a few random quotes i've stumpled onto over the months that I thought were just adorable.... until i found out that they were uttered by grown women.



"It's not pollution that is damaging our natural environment... It's the imperfections in our air and our water that are doing it."
- Pamela Anderson, February 2000)

"Smoking kills you, and if you die, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields on a federal antitobacco campaign in 1998

"That shameless tramp deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey.... And I'm just the one to do it!"
- Claudia Schiffer referring to Naomi Campbell in 1998

"If you could live forever, would you and why?"
"I would not live forever, because we shouldn't live forever, because if we are supposed to live forever, then we could live forever, but since we can't live forever, that is why I could not live forever"
- Miss Alabama in Miss America 1994

"Everyday I watch the TV and look at those poor starving kids around the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I would love to be that thin, but not with all those flies and death and stuff...."
- Mariah Carey (1999)

"I have not committed any crime, I just didn't follow the law."
- J'Lo after being arrested with Diddy

"If there was a nuclear holocaust, which couple would you pick (man and woman) in the world so they can preserve and multiply the human species?"
"Pope John Paul II and Mother Theresa"
- Carolina Zuñiga, Miss Chile 2000 (Chile as in the South American country)

"What kind of music do you like?"
"CD music."
- Natalie Paris (model) in an interview with Time magazine

"Where would you like to travel and why?"
"To Rome, because it is the place where Our Lord Jesus Christ was born."
- Marilu Bonchini, candidate to Miss Argentina 1999

"I've never smoked weed because it causes cellulitis."
- Valeria Mazza (model)

"It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
- J'Lo (2000)

"Which historical character would you like to meet?"
"I would definetly like to meet Lady Di... fortunately, she's already dead."
- Alexia Zambrano, candidate to Miss Colombia 2002

"Do you think all the pretty girls are dumb?"
"No, there are also ugly girls who are dumb...."
- Paris Hilton

And this is local contribution from myself from some bitch i knew back in high school:

"Is your penis gray? I heard black people's penises were gray..."

Note that this dumb bitch said black PEOPLE. Yeah, we're all sexually ambiguous man chicks with big ol' swinging gray dicks. What the fuck! Bitch was lucky i didn't slap her silly with my freakish grey man stick.

Back from the Dead

Well after surviving an epic road trip, nagging relatives, shitty parties, drunken sluts and a particularly nasty strain of the stomach flu, I'm finally back to spread my goody goodness to the internet.


Just as soon as I can think of something to say.

Geeky DOOM movie review.

the rock smells something cookin'



saw it last night. This is a review from a former hardcore DOOM gamer. You've been warned. Basically let's start it off:

Acting

It's standard fare really. For action/popcorn movies I usually compare the acting ability with either "The Rock" or "Pirates of the Caribbean" since they have fairly entertaining acting. Well to say it's worst that those two gems, but it's not as bad as say....Gone in Sixty Seconds. Each character plays their stock parts well, most noticeable Portman who's just a slimy sumbitch. As mentioned before there are parts where the actors HAM IT THE FUCK UP. Why isn't because of their lack of ability...but the scene runs long. It just happens really and the gratuitous use of "fuck" as aggression and anger kinda gets aggravating when them emphasize it a bit too much. Just don't expecting to be quoting too much from this film.

Storyline

Hell is removed and mentioned only as a metaphor. It's hinted there is a battle between good and evil due to how the genetic mutation chooses who to infect. But nevertheless its basically the same premise behind Aliens...a special task force sent in to do something, but doesn't know the true reason for the mission.

Action/horror

I did jump a few times where it was pretty obvious I should have expected something, but hey it happens. The action builds up slowly. I thought it was alright because just too much action would bog it down. It's not paced in the best way (it ran long in some parts) but it's to each person's taste. The FPS (first person shooter, for you non gaming geeks) part is basically the money shot that people were waiting for.

FPS part

Surprisingly it does not suck. How they interpret "get into" FPS mode is great. You'd think they'd do it all the time where near the beginning the squad syncs up their cameras, but it doesn't happen until late into the film and it only happens once. It was done very well, as much as the FPS mode would allow, with no complaints here. Regardless of your expectations for something great....don't....it's like watching a monkey at a typewriter; it's not fucking Opera, but it's entertaining.

Monsters

The fight in the pit was pretty awesome as well with the FPS mode. But overall the monsters were pretty good. Sadly being genetic mutations, you could only have so many "humanoid" monsters. No spider demons here. What's a bit of a consistency issue as to how powerful these enemies are. At one point their are ripping heads off, and another then are just punching really hard.

Overall

As an adaptation: I'd place this film right along the same league with Resident Evil. It's not the greatest re telling because it could be a "film on it's own". But don't think of it as an adaptation in the vein of "based on a true story"....think of it is as a "inspired by events".

As a film: It's good. A tad long and drawn out in parts with some really tired and clichéd themes, but nevertheless what action film *doesn't* have that? Be warned...there is a LOT of sneaking in the dark and a few bad puns.

A revelation...um... again.

Okay, I'm a handsome, college educated professional with a successful job that I actually went to college for. I have a healthy relationship with my family and I know how to treat the woman I'm with and most importantly I'm extremely low maintenance with a above average self esteem (hello ladies ;) )

This is everything a woman could ever hope for isn't it?
WRONG. Not too long ago I discovered that a girl I dated awhile back found all these traits repulsive. Yeah, I was a little surprised, but after seeing who she is with now and what traits she DID find attractive, I took it as quite a compliment. I think it's quite funny to be honest. It reminds me what a friend of mine said a long time ago concerning my luck with women: "Only you would pick the ONE psycho bitch in a stadium full of normal women."

I'm not saying that this girl is a psycho or a bitch for that matter, but my friend did bring up a very good point: It Seems like I instinctively pick women with "issues" and every time I pick a normal woman, they end up moving out of the state or country.
I think some gypsy broad put a curse on me.

All the more reason to remain retired from the dating world until I can solve this little dilemma.

Animal movies and mp3 players

Okay, I was invited to see a film about animal intelligence at the vet campus and smiled at the thought of hearing the different perpectives and theories of students and professors alike, but more importantly, it would be a chance to learn something new.
Well when I got there, it was hardly the intellectual crowd I expected and the movie itself I had seen before on PBS or Discovery Channel or somewhere and it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know or heard of before. However there were a couple of interesting scenes, but for the most part, it was a struggle to stay awake. I think the only thing that saved me was my friend texting me every now and then.

After the movie I chatted with my friend who invited me to the movie and she has lost a lot of weight which was very impressive, even though she'll probably gain a lot of it back when she stops eating like a bird. Oh well, she'll figure it out eventually.

Afterwards I went to the gym and had pretty damn good work out and then I went over to my friend's place to pick up my free mp3 she promised me, but unfortunately that didn't happen. She was a bit distracted downloading all 4000 songs from her computer to her fancy new mp3 player.
I spent a good 4 hours waiting around, listening to her go on and on about how she loves her new mp3 player and all that, but she never got around to giving me her old player.
One bright spot was that we ate at IHOP, but that became an exercise in humiliation when I realized that I had forgotten my wallet and she had to pay for both of us.
Ugh... sad thing is, this is the second time that has happened, even though we're not dating, I'm sure the workers there think I'm the cheapest deadbeat of a boyfriend ever! So much for eating at IHOP again. Blah...

Oh well, she was still fun to hang out with even though I didn't get that mp3 player.

Okay, this is it.

I adore my girl. She's always there to pick me up when I'm feeling down. I call her up a couple times a night and she always stays on for as long as I need her. We go pretty much everywhere together. The first time we met it was like...whoa. And now...I can't imagine life without her.
She completes me, she is part of me. I've been denying this for so long, I thought I could supress these feelings I have for her, but I was only kidding myself. She is my one and only

I know you're probably reading this, baby so I'll say it even though I have no idea how you might feel or react....



sigh....



here it goes...










I love you, porn.

See you tonight.

My take on online dating.

I dwelled into the world of online dating about 2 years ago for the same reasons as most people, I guess: boredom, lack of time, laziness, etc and figured this would be the perfect alternative. I could talk to dozens of women, butt naked if I wanted to and not get arrested for it (again)! Sign me up!!

Well after doing the online dating thing off and on for about 2 years, I've determined that there were 3 types of women on there:

1. Lonely/desperate divorcee
Women who are suddenly thrust back into the world of dating because they can't imagine life without sharing it with someone.... ANYone. This usually leads them to warm up to anyone that gives them any kind of attention and they usually lower their standards to have anyone fill that void in their lives, thus they can be a bit clingy. This only leads to more pain and heartache as they are easy prey for the online predators who know exactly what to do and say to get in their good graces which doesn't take much. Once they are done with them, they are quickly discarded leaving the divorcee even more messed up than before. Needless to say, these types carry a LOT of baggage.


2. Confused/Rebound chicks
These women are usually in the middle of a break up with an off and on boyfriend, lacking the maturity to assess their situation and sort things out with their exes, they impulsively jump into the online dating world during this moment of confusion and usually get involved with the first person who "appreciates" them.
The motives vary. Some truly think that they are ready to move on with this new man in their lives, others have little or no feelings for the "new guy" and are just using them for the classic rebound relationship and/or make the ex jealous.
In either case, they are using the new guy as their emotional safety net since they can't bear the stigma of being alone until they "rediscover" feelings for their ex and thus ditch the new guy.
Again, a lot of baggage comes with this type.


3. Cheaters
Married and bored whores looking for some cock. Enough said.



The rarest type: An honest girl
A girl who means what she says. A girl with no strings or baggage or drama of any kind. A woman who knows what she wants and doesn't drag some poor unsuspecting slob into her twisted world of insanity.
I've heard stories of these types of women in the online personal world, but never encountered one. Personally, i think it's some kind of urban legend.

My conclusion about online dating is that, like the real world, people are full of shit and you should probably look elsewhere if you're looking for something real. However, if you're just looking to get laid by some messed up baggage laden chick then any of these three types should suit your needs adequately. It was an interesting 2 year experiment and I met a couple of cool people, but I decided it's just not for me.
You can have 'em! I'll just stick to the old fashion way... after I put on some clothes of course.

Sex and.... stuff.

Ok, I was talking to this girl that I've known for a while and she is now traveling the path of a saved one. We got into a discussion about sex for no apparent reason. She goes on and on about how sex is something special shared between two people that love each other. She also said that sex is overrated.

I'm thinking bullshit.

I told her that you make it what you make of it. Some think it's the worst thing on earth, some embrace it like a philosophy. But it's pretty hard to ignore that sex at one time or another will affect you in ways that you might not think or might not like to think. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen.

It seems these days we've made sex into a casual activity. Something two people two, almost like going out to the movies, or bowling. And sure, protect yourself and be responsible, and why not? Feels great.

But then we still want to keep sex as a meaningful act between two people. An expression of love, more than words can say, all that jazz. And yeah, if you're in love and you have sex, that's a great experience.

But how can the two co-exist? What about cheating? If my girlfriend goes to the movies with some guy that's okay, but if he fucks her that's not okay? What if she goes to the movies with some guy and has a long and meaningful talk with him and really connects and just feels good all around, then goes home and fucks me? What if she goes to a party, gets drunk, and has sex with some random guy? Which is worse? What if she has sex with another girl?

I want to be able to enjoy a life where I could have random, meaningless sexual encounters if I wanted to. But I also want to have a monogamous relationship with my girlfriend if I'm serious about her. As a society, can we do both? I'm not sure myself.


oh and by the way, anyone who says sex is overrated isn't doing it right.




This caused her to pause a little bit and she said that I brought up a very valid point and she looked at me with a newfound respect and admiration. I quickly put a stop to that by suggesting that she let me stick my penis inside her and see what kind of affect it would have on us. I woke up 3 hours later in an alley with a black eye and a really bad headache.

Oh well.

How I got over my cold.

So I had this really bad cold. I struggled in vain to sleep for three days, and finally gave up. I was so tired... I just wanted to sleep. Yet every time I lay down, my nose starts running and gets all stuffed up, and then I start coughing. It's useless to even try.

I had some cold medicine that I took earlier, but apparently it isn't helping in the slightest.

Just when I'm about to give up hope and kill myself with a cookie monster puppet, I hear a knock at the door and it was the good humor man! I was like "Cool!" "Gimme some ice cream, whore!" then he said "yeah right, bitch! I ain't got no ice cream, I'm hear to fuckin' steal your shit!" I said yeah right and I kicked him in the balls with my huge mega foot! I kicked him so hard he morphed into my old dog and he said "it's on now, bitch!" Then he started shooting laser from his doggy mouth that made cat noises, but I just flexed and they deflected from my manly chest. Then hurricane Rita started getting in my face, trying to make me loot and shit and I said fuck that! I gots too much mad intergrity for that bullshit and I grabbed the good humor man/doggie thing and hurled it at that bitch. Bitch was talking mad shit as they both went flying out my window and landed on Mr. Rogers who came back from the dead for no good reason! But it was a good thing because he was trying to rape a hornless unicorn who was riding a gay ass scooter.

Suddenly the gas prices went up to a record high so I stole the scooter and rolled up to Rosario Dawson's crib where we made sweet love on some dude's coffin.
Then I made her fix me a sammich.

And that's how I got over my cold.

"I'm Late."

"I'm Late." Two of the most terrifying words a swinging bachelor could ever hope to hear from a woman. A few nights ago, a girl uttered these words to me
As soon as she said this my mind started racing slightly slower than the speed of light.
"Am I ready for a kid?"
"What am I going to do?"
"I can't afford this!!"
"Is it mine?!!"
"I don't wanna change diapers!!"
"A swift kick to the stomach should do it."
"What would the neighbors think?!!"
"It wouldn't take much to make this girl disappear."
"How much is a plane ticket to Singapore?"

Then I realized something... I've never had sex with this girl. In fact I've never even seen the girl naked! What a relief!
Well after realizing that, I officially stopped caring and continued working on my animation as she mumbled on about not knowing what to do and planned parenthood or something, blah blah blah.

What I think of Sex and the City.

total STDs: 232 and counting

Okay, I was at friends house who is a huge Sex and the City fan and was in the middle of watching season four and since I didn't have anything else to do, I decided what the hell. I've heard so many people rant and rave about this show, but I've never seen it to form my own opinion. Plus it's a chick show.
Anyhoo, it's about 4 upper class white chicks living in the middle of manhattan boo hooing about all the hardships in their lives including men, shopping, sex, relationships and other pointlessly stupid shit that no one but upper class manhattan chicks would bitch about.

I didn't even bother remembering their names, but there's the brunette who is a spoiled museum director who's mission in life is to get knocked up by her equally boring and spoiled husband, but she can't have a baby because her ovaries are as useless as her career.

There's the redhead who is some kind of attorney who jogs and bitches and somehow got knocked up by her ex boyfriend who recently got one of his balls chopped off.

There's the blonde bitch who is a slut from hell and probably fucks about 20 guys a week and NEVER uses protection. Seriously, she literally fucks random dudes she meets in the street and yet she doesn't have a single std?? In real life this bitch would be covered in herpes and genital warts and other unknown lesions. This bitch should be so ripe with disease that plants would wither and die as she walks past them. Dogs would suddenly convulse and die, birds would fall out of the sky as they fly over her contamination zone. The bitch is a walking biohazard.

Last but not least is the cheater played by the horse faced Sarah Jessica Parker. She is by far my LEAST favorite character in the whole show. Turns out that this bitch cheated on her near perfect boyfriend with a dude who treated her like crap. That gets an instant hate on from me since I fucking HATE cheaters and everything about them.
I lost a lot of respect of the near perfect boyfriend because HE TOOK HER BACK like the chump stain that he is! What the fuck?!!! There is no fucking way I would ever take back a dirty fucking cheating whore of a skank back! Oh and big surprise, my friend tells me that they split again and she eventually ends up with the dude she cheated on him with!
BULLSHIT!!
Not only is she a dirty dirty cheater, she's dumb as hell. She doesn't even know how to work a computer, yet she lives alone in a huge ass apartment in nyc, working as a columnist?? Get the fuck outta here! Also, she has ZERO sense of style since all her clothes look like a collection of aborted fetuses sewn into fabric. They should have an episode of her being arrested as a hooker because that's what she looks like.
Another observation I've made is that despite her grotesque horse face, Sarah Jessica Parker has a nice body. It's obvious that she works out on a daily basis, yet her character is pretty much a junk food eating couch potato who is never seen in a gym. Would it kill them to have her join a club? It would explain her six pack.

Anyway, this show does have its moments, but then again the worst shows have moments too and although this isn't the worst show I've ever seen, I don't picture myself watching over and over again like my slightly obsessed friend does.
I worry about the girl sometimes.

Fucking loud mouths!

Why can't some people keep their fucking mouths shut?
Why do some people feel absolutely compelled to get into your business and then blab to the entire fucking world about it? Are their lives so fucking pathetic?
I swear these motherfuckers need to shut the fuck up and get a fucking life because nobody gives a shit who so and so did to whoever!
These fucktards have absolutely NO sense of privacy whatsoever. If you are stupid enough to tell them a deep dark ultra personal secret, rest assured that it will be the topic of discussion at say.... um... I don't know... a fairly large party full of people you don't know.

God it makes me so fucking mad I just want to cave their skulls in with a very large tree branch and smear their brains on canvas and enter it into an art show where I'm sure to win first prize since that's the sort of bullshit that's considered art nowadays.

Random weird thought

If you tied Superman to the hood of your car, would you be able to drive through walls?

Memoirs of a dumb ass.

Kids are stupid and I was no exception when I was a lad. Here's an example:

Once, when I was a kid, I asked my dad, who was watching TV in the living room, if I could watch cartoons. He said "Sure son! Right after the news goes off." and promply changed the channel to CNN.

............I waited for 6 hours before I finally figured out the news wasn't going off.


Fuck.

One of my fave songs.

With the recent tragic events unfolding in New Orleans, I'm reminded of an old song I heard, courtesy of the Simpsons. It goes a little something like this:

Long before the SuperDome,
Where the Saints of football play,
Lived a city that the damned called home.
Hear their hellish roundelay...


New Orleans!
Home of pirates, drunks, and whores!
New Orleans!
Tacky, overpriced, souvenir stores!
If you want to go to hell, you should make that trip,
To the Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississipp'!

New Orleans!
Stinking, rotten, vomiting, vile!
New Orleans!
Putrid, brackish, maggoty, foul!
New Orleans!
Crummy, lousy, rancid, and rank!

Note this song was written 12 or 13 years before Katrina hit. Pretty accurate, huh?

The Aristocrats *YAWN* Review

please die


So I saw a movie called "The Aristocrats" which a documentary about various comedians' take on the world's dirtiest joke. Well the first few minutes were kinda sorta funny, but it just started to run out of gas after a very short time, but I guess that's to be expected from a documentary about a weak ass joke.



The so called dirtiest joke in the world was something you would hear a bunch of 14 year boys would tell each other to gross each other out and it just wasn't funny. Once the so-called initial shock wore off, it just wasn't that funny and the BIIIG punch line that was supposed to knock you off of your feet just fell flat on it's face.

However, it didn't stop the comedians from laughing their asses off about the joke. I guess you have to be a washed up jewish comedian to fully appreciate the humor which most of them were. Hell, I never heard of half of them and I thought the other half died years ago. Oh, Chris Rock made a brief appearance and it looked like he didn't even want to be on there. I don't blame him.

It was so fucking painful seeing these comedians perform in front of the camera no matter how pathetically unfunny they were. Most of them have some pretty fucked up lives and they use humor as an avenue to escape from this pathetic existence otherwise they'd probably kill themselves.
I really wish Carrot Top and Paul Reiser, who is quite possibly the unfunniest human being on the planet would blow their heads off.

Anyway, The Aristocrats does NOT live up to all the hype. I don't even consider it slightly "infamous". But hey, if you think seeing a bunch of has beens yack about a joke for an hour and twenty six minutes and you have money to burn and you're slightly retarded, go right ahead and see this movie.

Fucking racist board games!!

I always hated the commercials for board games back in the day. They'd be playing some fast-paced music, as all the kids are ferociously slamming down their board pieces. Then at the end, the little white boy would jump up, pump his arms up into the air, and exclaim "I WIN!!" This happened for just about every single board game commercial, without fail.

This always bothered me for two reasons.

1. Board games aren't that exciting, you aren't that pumped cause you connected four, sit your punk ass down.

2. Why was he always white? Why can't a brotha win for once? You know how fucking closet racist that was, the little white boy wins the game of Life? He might as well have turned to the other kids and said "Haha, you all fail at life. Now woman, get in the kitchen and make my biscuits, little negro boy wash the dishes for her, and you, Mexican't, get to mowing my lawn!"

I have a theory about the white dude always winning ang being excited. The white kid has the game but sucks. He always gets raped whenever he plays his other friends who have the gave. So what is he to do to get that first win? He goes to the hood grabs Tyrone and plays him. Of course Tyrone has never seen this shit and has no clue what's going on, so he loses. The white kid gets his first win thus the I WIN!!! Tyrone is still sitting thinking "WTF!?!?!" Then Tyrone steals the game so he can get better, brings it back before the parents press charges, and then kicks the white kid's ass, they just don't televise that shit. It's cool though the revolution won't be televised either.

Oh it's true.

Funny high school shit.

I remember when I was in high school, I put a book in some asshole's backpack while he wasn't looking so the alarm would sound when he walked out.



The funny part? When they opened his bag to see what it was, there was a book titled, "Coping with Gay Parents"
To this day he has not lived it down.


Haw haw! I'm the comedy king!

My week thus far...

So, anyway.....these ninjas break into my house, right, and I'm all like "Back the fuck off", and the lead Ninja is all like "NO!" and I'm all like "You bettah" and he's all kungfu and shit, and so I pull out a gun and plug the bastard....

then I buy Sin City on DVD, and ride a spaceship with Vin Diesel, and we're all like "Cool" then Vin turns into Rosario Dawson, and we bang like fucking kittens for like hours, then the spaceship crashes into the sun, so I have this Diamond Spacesuit, so I'm okay, but Rosario burns to death, and I'm all like "Too bad" and she's like screaming and shit, but it's in French, and I'm all like "I don't speak Paris-Talk, bitch" and she dies, and I'm lonely, so I swim back to earth, and drink a forty with Xzibit........

that's when things got weird.

Another HATE list

Having the phone ring and no one answer it
I know this have been mentioned before but it holds particularly true at my house. I’ve sat in my room and listened to the phone ring only to walk into the living room and see my brother sitting there as it rang the whole time while it is 5 feet from him sitting in the charger. asshole

People who bitch about anime
Now I happen to like anime. If you don’t it’s cool that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, but if I hear one more fucking otaku griping about how some company is gonna be dubbing some anime they beat off to so now it will be garbage I will kick them in the nuts with a vengeance. There are things on the internet called Fansubs where you can download the shit FOR FREE and it won’t be edited other than to add subtitles, so STFU and quit yer bitchin.

People who own Cadillac Escalade’s on spinners
You possess a degree of idiocy that very few can reach. Besides having the worst gas mileage of nearly any car on the road and being a general hazard with how easily they can roll over you have managed to spend what is the annual salary of some people on a shitty car. Kudos, I’m sure you have the money to continue filling up the bath tub of a gas tank this car holds but that is of no concern to you because you needed to buy it since you must compensate for your self image. So look on the bright side you may be balding and have a real medical condition known as “micropenis” but at least your rims are really expensive so people will think that you’re cool.

People who are electronically incompetent
Ok the last time that I went to Best Buy it was to get a computer diagnostic done on my Mom’s computer. I was talking to the tech guy behind the counter and he was telling me about this customer that had come in earlier in the day. Apparently this guy had bought a printer there and had tried to hook it up and then returned it claiming that it doesn’t work. Well the tech guy after questioning him found out that not only does he not own a computer, but he didn’t even plug in the power cord. WTF is wrong with some people?

Fat chicks who wear skimpy clothes
This has also probably been mentioned several times but I must reiterate. I’ve seen some women at the mall who simply should have been slapped by the sales clerk who sold them the article of clothing and told to put it back. It’s look like a god-damn sausage casing on them. You can’t get away with wearing a belly shirt if there are folds in your belly!! I don’t care if you are big and proud of it put some fucking clothes on, you fat skank.


Post Modern Art
My god this is not art and if you think differently then you’re full of shit. It’s just a bunch of squares and then you drew (very poorly I might add) an eye in the center between them. Do you want a fucking cookie or something? Don’t give me that “art is subjective” bullshit either. Now you’re simply making shit up to hide the fact that you’re a hack. It isn’t art if it took you 15 minutes to make, so go learn how to draw and stop trying to compensate for your lack of skill by making shit up.

DVD Stickers
These things are awesome. Not only do I have to wait 20 minutes to try and get this thing off the DVD case so I can actually watch the movie but in scratching and picking at it I get to deface the case of the brand new DVD I just bought.


*people who decelerate, THEN FINALLY get over into the deceleration lane.

Little Kids who ask to many fuckin questions!

People who kiss the corpse at a funeral

People who don't know how to use the internet in 2005!!

People who can't speak proper english but insist on talking to you.


Ladies, Kate Moss isn't top tier hot model anymore, you can stop binging and purging any day now...


Women who can't seem to get it through their heads, that you don't like or want them.

People that call you only to say "Hello" because they're lonely and have nothing to do but waste your time.


Fucking pussies who insult you and then try to convince you they were just kidding when clearly they were not.

What the fuck now?

first it is puff daddy.. then p. diddy... now just diddy...

.. here's an idea.. lets just call him a fucking retard! "Diddy"... that just sounds like all sorts of fruity gayness!

But I can't knock his hustle too much. He's made millions of dollars from sampling, biting and outright stealing other people's beats and turning it into garbage. Then again if there weren't people buying from his label, wearing his clothes and making him richer, I wouldn't have to see his buck toothed, goofy looking mug everywhere I turn.

Just proves what I've been saying from the day I first started talking: people are fucking sheep.

My friend is finally getting married!

Congrats to my friend! Her "slacker" boyfriend has officially proposed to her. Hooraay!!

Finally I'm free from hearing all her bitching about him not proposing to her and being a jerk for keeping her waiting and yap yap yap yap yap. He's a cool guy and really laid back and he's completely cool knowing that I used to plow his girlfriend back in the day. Usually I get a lot of jealous static from my exe's current boyfriends, but not this guy. He definitely gets my seal of approval. Better him than me... I"m kidding!! Mostly....kinda.... maybe....

Yeah, I'm happy for my friend and maybe now she'll shut her friggin' pie whole, but if I know her and I do oh so well, I'd better brace for a new onslaught of pre-wedding bitching. Oh well... as long as SHE'S happy.

sigh... it never ends

A very disgusting drive to work today.

Okay this morning was probably the most disgusting experiences I have ever had while going to work.
It all started when I was stopped at a traffic light and I noticed the driver behind me ramming his finger into his nose like a jack hammer. Some leprechaun mother fucker must've stuck his loot up there because this shit head was digging for gold.
I haven't seen anyone this tenacious since my ex tried to stab me with a letter opener. When he finally dislodged his digit from his shnozz, I quickly turned away in fear that he might witness him "tasting" his newfound victory and that would have made me "taste" my breakfast.

Oh but it doesn't end there. A couple more miles down the road at yet another stop light, I see some hippie chick fixing her nappy ass hair in the rear view and when she raised her arms, I noticed that she had been carrying two shrubs under them. When I looked closer I realized that it wasn't shrubbery at all, but it was her arm pit hair!! Good god the I nearly went blind after seeing that mass of tangled hippie arm pit hair. What the fuck, man! I can tolerate a little peach fuzz on a chick, I mean everyone forgets to shave every now and then, but there's a fucking limit! I mean you could make dread locks out of this chick's pit hair! Stupid ass vegan, tree hugging, no bath taking, hemp wearing, pot smoking hippie trash! Go back to Europe with that shit! We don't want any of that in the good 'ol U-S of A by god!


Oh the fun continues on my merry drive to work. I saw some dude beside me trying to give himself a lobotomy by sticking his finger into his ear as far as it could possibly go. When he finally pulled it out, it looked like he had pulled a good chunk of his brain along with it. Dude could've given a Brazilian wax to the entire Olympic swim team with the amount of ear shit on his finger.That wasn't the nastiest part however, the worst part was when he actually sniffed the big glob of ear shit and wiped it on his dashboard!!! FUCK!


Oh yeah, then there was the fucking spitter who seem to spit up more and more of his lung with each expectoration. Fortunately I was almost at work so I didn't have to endure the fucktard for long.

I'm not feeling very clean right now. It's like a dirt that just won't come off. The flashbacks aren't helping either. Bleh... disgusting.

Serves me right for paying attention to the people around me.

What would Jesus Do?

So I'm sitting at a stop light on my way to work today and I noticed to my left a car that had a WWJD sticker as well as a Jesus fish, a "Jesus Saves" bumper sticker and a Bush 04 sticker.
I think it was safe to say that this person was conservative Christian.
Anyway, this little old lady was crossing the street,the left turn light was turning yellow when the conservative Christian suddenly guns his car to beat the red light, thus almost running over the little old lady.
I just sat there in disbelief and watched the little old lady freak the fuck out and probably soak her diaper.

I just found it ironic that someone that was so into god and religion and all that would have so much disregard for human life. But then I remembered, since he's obviously been saved by Jesus, maybe he doesn't have to do so. That makes me wonder... if you accept the lord Jesus Christ in your heart and become "saved" does that not give you an eternal get out of jail free card? So theoretically, I could kill a bunch of five year olds, sell their skins on ebay and I would still get into heaven. Sounds like a sweet deal to me, but I digress.

What Would Jesus Do in a situation like that? I'm not sure, but I'm fairly certain he wouldn't run down an old woman to beat a stop light.



WWJD

DAWN OF THE DEAD (aka: obnoxious bitch from hell)

Okay so I meet a friend of mine at a local pool joint to catch up on some old times, but unbeknownst to me, she decided to play matchmaker and bring along her little friend to "meet". He logic was since we were both web designers we would be perfect for each other.

At first I was highly annoyed with this ambush cupid bullshit, but it turned out that this girl, whose name is Dawn was pretty cool after all and had a good head on her shoulders. The flow of conversation was fluid and constant with no awkward silences.
Physically she wasn't my type, but I figured that I had a cool new friend to hang out at least and it was pretty nice to chill with a fellow designer.
Dawn invited me to hang out with her and a friend on Thursday to which I agreed even though they were going to do the clubbing thing at some places I usually try to avoid, but what the hell... she was cool so it wouldn't be too unbearable right?
FUCKING WRONG!!!

This is when Dawn's true colors came out. Over a period of one hour, she went from being this witty, intelligent, goal orientated professional to a loud, obnoxious, bubbly, dumb ass who downed vodka shots by the dozen.
I also found out that she was quite a regular in the clubs since all the bouncers and bartenders knew her by name, but they didn't act like they were overjoyed to see her. They gave a "here she is again" vibe.

Anyway, the night wasn't a total loss, I met a couple of cool guys there and there were a lot of lovely ladies to gawk at, but it was kind of hard to talk to any of them when there was pudgy drunken loud mouth standing beside me, throwing the ol' cock block all night.
There was some relief to the misery when she would disappear to flirt with some random guy she knew and it gave me time to slip away and do my thing, but like some demented drunken blood hound, the bitch always tracked me down! No surprise since I was in her territory.

Finally I had enough and was ready to go and coincidentally that's when the clubs started shutting down. I said a quick good bye to her and her friend and got the hell outta Dodge.

Well the pain doesn't end there. Be sure to read DAWN OF THE DEAD part 2!

DAWN OF THE DEAD part 2

The next day, I get a call from her asking if I would like to see The Devil's Rejects and I agreed. I met her at her place and once again the witty, intelligent, professional Dawn was there to greet me.

Unfortunately I found out some more things about her that made me think not so highly of her.

First of all, she's not really a web designer. She works for her mommy's web design company and her only duties include ftp-ing files to the actual designers or transferring clients to whoever. She knows NOTHING about design and she can't even code! Basically she's just a secretary. Her mom pays her about 3 times more than she earns (to which she happily admits), and she used to spend 1200 bucks A WEEK on shopping! Her mommy cut her off by only giving her a 250 dollar a week allowance while paying all her bills, including her mortgage.
Holy shit! The respect meter pretty much bottomed out and went through the floor when I heard that! I had so much respect and admiration for this girl who I thought bought her own house at the age of 24, but it turned out her MOTHER bought the house FOR HER. This so-called "professional woman" was nothing more than a spoiled bitch who never had to earn anything in her life.
Oh, and to top it all off, she works from home!

Ugh... after the movie, she invited me once again to hang with her and her friend. Since I had nothing else to do I said why not. Surely we aren't going to go clubbing at the exact same place 2 nights in a row right? WRONG!!!
God, we did almost the exact same thing as the previous night only this time we went to her skanky friend's house that smelled like cat shit and had a couple of shots of rum. Well, I had one, they had about three.
Anyway, it was the same old story of her acting like a drunken dumb ass while her friend rubbed against every other guy at the place. I actually had to "save" her when one of the guys got a little too aggressive.
The night just drug on and on, but I was trapped because dumb ass me decided to ride in her car or else I would've disappeared a LONG time ago.
It got so unbearable, I ducked into my office which was 2 blocks away to get away from the craziness. You KNOW you're having a shitty time when go to your fucking office to escape.

Anyway, I got a call from her at around 3am and I met up with her at the parking lot. She was clearly trashed out of her fucking mind as well as her friend so it looked like I was going to play the role of the designated driver, but I didn't mind this time, since she drove an 05 Mustang GT (that mommy got her). Man what a sweet ride!

Dawn likes older professional men, but on the way home she kept complaining how these older professional men can't keep up with her. I told her that these older professional men have REAL JOBS to go to in the morning and can't stay up clubbing until 4 am every fucking day.

We get to her place and she's apologizing her ass off and doing the remorseful drunk chick routine that I've seen a hundred million times. She said that she would call me and all that and while she saying all this, I'm calmly deleting her number from my phone. She leans in for a kiss, but I give her the cheek. (ha!).
As I get into my own car, unbelievably, this girl who can barely stand, goes into her car and drives her friend to her house. At that point my concern about her welfare ceased to exist and I drove home and promptly passed out on the couch.

I'm going to strangle my match making friend.

Superman joke.

Yeah, it's old as hell, but it always makes me chuckle.

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Laugh! I command you!

Funny quote

I was yapping with my "Tacoma home girl", (why she insists on me calling her that I'll never know) about the fucked up things people tolerate in relationships and she said something that was both profound and funny as hell:

"Denial is vastly underrated as a coping strategy."

I'm gonna steal that one for sure!

An afternoon at Walter State.

I went to a play of Beauty and the Beast that was being held at some teeny tiny college called Walter State that was about an hour from my place.
Did I mention how tiny this campus was? The theatre was sooooo small! Sheesh!
Anyway, the play was pretty good, considering their obviously limited budget.
The only nitpicks I had were: Gaston was way too scrawny and his voice was too high. Gaston is supposed to be a many man with a booming deep voice. This guy fell short at both. The "beast" was a little short and chubby to pull off the role, plus his acting sucked. Good lord he was so fat I thought he had eaten Belle.
Speaking of Belle, I didn't think she was so good looking. One of the supporting cast was much hotter and I couldn't look away from her heaving cleavage.

One little kid in the play couldn't keep his hands out of his pants. Poor little shit obviously had to use the bathroom. It was good for a laugh anyway.

After the play, we noticed there was a Ihop down the road, but it hadn't opened up! What a cock tease! So we opted to eat at another Ihop 45 miles away where we were waited on and eventually forgotten by a server who looked like she was 15 despite the fact that the place was completely dead.

How typical.

Fucking charities

get a job!

I'm sure if you're a late-nighter youve seen the commercial of an older santa claus looking fucker trying to persuade viewers to donate some money to less fortunate countries so that children can see doctors and blah blah blah...

So he tries to lay the guilt trip on the viewers by saying, "you've probably got it written down somewhere on a nice to-do list..." (something along those lines) "but whats 80 cents a day to you? three quarters and a nickle..."

Anyway, in one of my weaker moments I actually did sends some money and that's when the nightmare began. If you're thinking about donating to these fuckers expect to get TONS of junk mail asking for more and more money, but it doesn't end there, your address is forwarded to other mooching charities who in turn send you tons of junk mail asking for donations as well. Greedy mother fuckers. It ended only when I changed my address, but I'm sure the new tennant of my old apartment is probably getting slammed with that shit.

Another thing that always made me kinda laugh, was that they're always talking about the squalor and filth these kids live in, at which point, they pan the camera around, and there's ALWAYS a dog, goat, or pig rooting around in shit.
These kids can't be TOO fucking hungry if that dog/goat/pig is still alive.

Speaking of kids in all these commercials they always showcase this little girl called Maria. Okay, I'll overlook the fact that "Maria" seems pretty plump for a starving child, but she's been a little girl for 10 years now! Either they show digitally remastered re-runs or the little bitch is some kind of animatronic contraption or maybe she's just a midget.

And doesn't it piss these poor fucks off seeing some fat ass old white guy strolling through their little slum, exploiting their misery along with the dozen or so film crew, lugging around their hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment? You think these people spend the night there? Hell no! After they finish filminig they go to their fancy hotel rooms back in the city and abuse the hell out of room service and discussing what they're gonna do with all the loot their gonna scam out of suckers like me! Bastards.

Fuck you Santa Claus and your little mutant, non aging freaky midget Maria!

Big Vinnie: Beast of Burden or Sex slave?

Today the secretary came into my office and asked me if I could help the fed ex lady bring in some computer equipment. Hell, why not... it's not like my time is valuable or anything.
ANYway, I walk outside to meet the fed ex lady and she immediately looks at me up and down and says, "yeah, that's what I need!" before loading me up with heavy equipment.
Now I'm going to assume that she meant she could use my strength since I'm a fairly big guy, but the way she kinda...lingered below my waist kind of makes me think otherwise.

Either way, I feel so cheap and used.

Bastards

I just read that some child rapist/murderer in California was sentenced to death by leathal injection.
All I can say is: Die slowly, you worthless peice of Shit...I hope you get free love every day in the joint by some guy with a dick the size of an oak tree!!!
These people are the scum of the earth and it should be law: once found guilty, no jail, no suspended sentence....you get to be torn apart whilst still alive by family members of the victims, oh, and you have been injected with a massive dose of muscle relaxant, so you cant even scream for mercy when i shove a big ol' roofing nail through your eyeball. FUCK that lethal injection bullshit. All they do is go to sleep and never wake up. That's too fucking good for them!
Dont give me this pussy foot 'new age' bullshit. KILL THEM AND SAVE A KIDS LIFE!!!
PS: they say he was raped etc by his father. SO: if they had of killed his father in time....you know where Im going with this, right? Thought so.
End Anger

Haw Haw! Dem wacky Canadians!

This is news to me as well!
http://www.satirewire.com/news/feb02/warship.shtml

Another stupid ass commercial

That new commercial ---" a jumpshot can get you a shoe deal, a swiss bank account, etc."....and then he says "but blahblahblah can't get you a jumpshot." Why the fuck would I need a jumpshot if I had all that stuff in the first place? If I already have a fatass bank account with endorsement deals all over the place like a typical successful pro athlete....why would I need the skills then? Sorry, I don't care that much about baseketball. If I had all those riches, "hoopin'!" would be the last thing on my mind. This doesn't aggravate me to the point of being "pissed off", but it's an annoying commercial that had to be addressed at some point.

Things that piss me off

-Political Correctness. I live in a PC area filled with hippie fucks. I learned it's racist to refer to Latinos as Hispanic.

-people who sit right beside you in an empty theatre, thus throughly violating my hetero zone.

- Rednecks who coined the term "Cheerleader Beer" and make fun of any guy that isn't drinking Budweiser or whatever fucking tasteless POS they're chugging down.

- Obnoxious people, the people that think that everything that comes from their mouth is fucking genius and momentous, fuck you, twat!

-no snack machines take pennies. I have a ton of pennies all over the place here, because they're pretty much useless. Pennies are almost as pointless as those doubloons or however ya spell it that are thrown around at Mardi Gras


-People that are too happy. That annoys the hell out of me.

-when you wake up expecting a nice bowl of golden grahams and then u poor the cereal in the bowl.. open the fridge to find out theres no fucking milk..

-the SUV.

-mosquitos...why are they even here? Can't we just exterminate these bastards? I want them completely eliminated from the planet.

-microwaves not cooking "evenly". It just still strikes me as quite retarded that the pizza I just put in there could come out as hot as the SUN on some of the edges....and still be frozen solid in the middle. That's just stupid.

-People that are incessantly nosy. If it doesn't concern you there isn't a reason for you to inquire about it. What do you gain from knowing something that doesn't affect your life?

-getting ready to rub one out to whatever "jerkin materials" you have....and suddenly you have to take a dump.

-This Summer's Movies, jesus christ they are bad.

-Those black bee things that always come near me - I hate those things and they piss me off big time...

-people who make uneducated speculations and observations about things they dont know SHIT about

-when people are doing something wrong and are not paying attention to something and when you try to tell them what they are doing wrong they insist that they are doing it correctly in the first place


-people who are so fuckin ignorant and try to act so hard when they are soft as pillows


-people who take things too seriously

-I hate those fucking spinner hub caps. Who ever made them needs to kill themselves. I hate people who put racing exhausts on anything. I saw a Astro van with dual racing exhaust. An ASTRO VAN for god's sake! I hate it when people raise their car up so they can put big ass rims on it. 19s are good enough for a car so leave the 22s for SUVs.



-Urinal Sidelers: There are three unoccupied urinals on the wall. You take the one on the left and some skin-hump takes the one in the middle, right next to you! Again, a serious violation of my hetero zone!

-Traffic Jams: I know they can't be avoided sometimes but come on. I swear, people are like fucking sheep when it comes to traffic jams; especially when merging is involved. You'd think that by now point people would have devised some sort of practical traffic jam rules. Like if a three-lane road is turning into a two-lane because of construction or something, why couldn't the drivers from one lane let like ten cars merge and go by and have the other drivers in the other lane do the same? But no, instead the dumb motherfuckers all try to merge into the same lane at once.

-Getting attacked by ninjas, what the fuck?!?
I can't even check my fucking mail without some asshole in a black jumpsuit comin' at me with a sword. It's starting to piss me off.

-Oh, and those little bugs that have no purpose in life other than to *deliberatly fly into your eye.

Ass ugly cars

so wrong yet so true

I'm sure we've all seen these eyesores-on-wheels on the road, and wondered "what the Hell was he/she thinking?". It's interesting to me how some people just have crappy taste in certain things. I remember my parents would say something like "well, maybe that's all they could afford", but come on...you see someone in a baby-shit-colored PT Cruiser...come on now there's just no excuse for that. That same person will probably get out the car and have some neon colored leisure suit on with shag jheri curl...

The baby-dookey color(*orange-ish brown...burnt sienna?) PT Cruiser is a another example....I saw someone driving that yesterday. I already don't like that design in the first place, but that color just made it worse. They had a wheel "case" on the back too!

Nothing can beat the Aztek though. That looks like the result of a car having Down Syndrome or something....like a retarded kid that somehow transformed into a vehicle. If there was ever an official Jerry's kids car, the Aztec would be it. It just doesn't get any worse than that.

Fucking lunch box on wheels.

I need to be more evil

I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and condemn them on the spot if the fuck up just once.

I've really have to stop turning the other cheek and kick the piss out of someone who slightly annoys me.

I simply must stop supporting my friends and find ways to turn their misery to my advantage and personal gain.

Respecting old people never got me anywhere, I'm going to try tripping one every once and awhile and see how that feels.

I think I might kidnap my neighbor's dog, put it in a sack and throw it in the lake.
It's not a loud dog at all, in fact it's pretty nice and quiet, but that makes my actions all the more evil which is the point is it not?

Next time a friend tells me to watch her purse while she takes a piss, I'm gonna write down her credit card number and go on an online shopping spree.

When some broad bitches about her miserable life, I'm just going to picture them naked. Wait... I already do that.

Children are the scourge of the earth. I'm going to go out of my way to let them know that.

I'm going to spit on every pregnant woman I see.

I'm going to tell my friend's extremely self conscious, anorexic girlfriend that she could lose a few pounds.

Next time someone asks me if they look fat in something, I'm going to say yes.

I will NOT let any car have the right of way.

I'm going to give my ex girlfriend a great big hug. Trust me, that's the most evil thing I could ever do to her.


Now... all I have to do is rip out this damn chip in my head that prevents me from doing all this shit and I'll be in business.

Where is the justice??

I was out house hunting again for the first time since that tragic day when my dream home was so savagely taken away from me and I came upon this beautiful 3 bedroom 2.5 bath 1600 square foot CAPE COD! Probably my favorite kind of house PERIOD! Best of all, it was in my price range and in a great neighborhood!
I quickly got on my cell to call my real estate dude when I noticed something on the For Sale sign that i didn't quite notice before... there, in teeny tiny print was the word "sold".

WHAT THE FUCK!! What kind of sick joke was this??!! Everyone knows that sold signs are in great big red letters so there was to be no confusion on the status of the fucking house! That way, innocently eager, love smitten individuals wouldn't get their hopes up only to have them utterly destroyed later on!
This truly SUCKS!! This wasn't quite a big of a stab in the heart than the last time something like this happened to me, but it still fucking hurt like hell! Sort of like a hot poker in the pee hole kind of pain.

Sheesh... I guess the search continues.

I finally exist!

I got my new driver's license this morning so that means I officially exist in the eyes of the man.
After I lost my wallet along with my debit card and license, I realized just how much I depend on these stupid pieces of plastic to function in everyday society.
For example, I went to the local store to cash a personal check, but guess what? They needed a driver's license! Fuck!
After getting some cash out of the bank which took me all day to drive there since I didn't want to get pulled over by a cop, I decided to rent a movie and throw a pity party for one, but then I remembered that they too needed a membership card of driver's license and since I lost my membership card years ago, I was completely screwed yet again! FUCK!!


It was such an alien experience to me, having to go inside the gas station and hand... cash over to the clerk for gas. I can't remember the last time I did that. WEIRD. It's quite a different experience to see your cash actually LEAVING your hands rather than seeing a card swipe. It's understandable how some people (weak minded dumb fucks mostly) can easily over spend without even thinking. NOt me of course, since I'm a cheap bastard.

I'm sure there's a lesson and a point to all this, but I'm too damn tired to elaborate.

This will give me nightmares.

I'll swallow your soul!

Imagine waking up with this... thing hovering over you.

CONTEST WINNER

Guy's night out (revised)

Okay I went to the local pub to do the weekly "Boys night out" with "the crew" and unlike last time, we actually had a pretty little outing. The cool thing about this night is that the crowd is constantly changing. Some new guys would challenge us at a game of pool and we'd get to know them and so on. Sometimes they'd stick around, sometimes not, either way, I've gotten to know some interesting people.

My personal highlight was beating my "rival" John which doesn't happen too often since he's pro-level good when it comes to skill, me and my measly 30 dollar Wal-Mart stick beat Mr. fancy pro and his custom made, imported 3000 dollar cue stick and I did so in a convincing manner as well! HA!
I could tell that he didn't like losing to me one bit and he made up all these lame excuses, but he couldn't escape the fact that he lost! I let him know that he lost all night since he was running his mouth like a punk ass!

Damn, he's gotta big mouth and he's a perv as well. He said the wrong thing to the wrong girls and he nearly got his ass kicked. I had to play the peace maker and lay on the charm (yes, I can be fucking charming when I wanna be!). Anyway, I managed to save his ass and told him that he might want to shut the fuck up.

Everything was going great until ANOTHER big breasted chick asked if she could play doubles with her boyfriend. I was kind of reluctant, still remembering the last big boobed bimbo encounter, but this girl was pretty cool and didn't act like a spoiled little bitch. I had a conversation with her about how it's hard for girls to get good at pool when all the guys "baby" them. I couldn't agree more as I pat her on the head and said she was so adorable trying to play pool. Both she and her boyfriend laughed. Nice little couple.

It was soooo nice to get a shot of testosterone by hanging out with the boys. It was nice to call someone a fat ass and not have to worry about them crying about it. It was great to know that if you said something that pissed them off, they would tell you up front instead of waiting half a year before ambushing you with it.
Yeah, very nice indeed.

WAR OF THE WORLDS REVIEW **HUGE SPOILERS**

well he does like them young

You know, I've done some stupid things in my life like grabbing the lit end of a sparkler, biting a dog's tongue, jumping off a roof with an umbrella, etc, but one of the DUMBEST ass things I've done in a looong time was paying good hard earned money to see War of the fucking Worlds.
Fuck it all to hell! I was never a Tom Cruise fan, but I've always respected Speilberg's work, so I thought it would even things out. WRONG.
Anyway, Tom plays some jerk off dock worker who is stuck babysitting his annoying fucking kids while his slut of a wife goes off and parties with her rich new husband (did I mention she was knocked up with the rich new husband's yuppie spawn?)
So now Cruise is living with his damn kids he never wanted in the first place and I don't fucking blame him. You've got some angst ridden asshole of a son who ends up stealing his car and some annoying spoiled vegan shithead of a daughter whom I really wanted to kick in the chops. Cruise is no prize either, in fact, all these characters are unlikable as hell and that's really a bad thing because we're supposed to care about them later on in the movie.

Anyhoo, poor pussy whipped emasculated Tom is stuck with his worthless kids who hate his guts, how could this day get any worse? How about a contrived alien invasion? Well this is called War of the Worlds and not Kramer verse Kramer 2 As you know this is about aliens coming down to Earth and fucking everything up for no good reason. Supposedly, these critters have been studying earth for millions of fucking years and for some reason choose the 21st century to start the invasion by jumping inside this huge clunky stupid looking machines, via lightening that were buried deep underground millions of years ago. Sure, that makes fucking sense. Anyway, after some goofy lightening light show, that knocks out all electronic devices, the whole town decides to investigate a giant crater in the middle of the street. Eventually the crater gets bigger and bigger, knocking over building and swallowing cars, but do the town folk run away in terror, hell no, they stick around and investigate some more. Suddenly one of the cars that was swallowed by the sinkhole and thrown out hundreds of feet in the air and nearly lands on several people. Do the towns folk run away in terror? Hell no, they investigate some more. Then a GIANT fucking spider leg shoots out of the hole and crushes a nearby car. Do the towns folk run away in terror? Hell no, you guessed it, they stick around and investigate some MORE. These dumb mother fuckers keep sticking around until the big giant goofy machine starts to fucking VAPORIZE the dumb asses, but some of them had to think about it first.

Of course Cruise reminds us that he's the star of the movie because he never gets touched, despite people RIGHT BESIDE him are literally getting dusted and he manages to out run fucking lasers and explosions like a world class olympic sprinter! Eventually he gathers up his bratty kids who hate his guts and plans on getting the fuck outta Dodge.
But how can they get out when none of the cars work? That's okay, they have SUPER MINI VAN which works just fine after getting a new solonoid, but before any of us have time to figure out the logic in this revelation, the big goofy aliens suddenly appear and start blowing shit up with pretty lights and fancy explosions, in hopes of distracting us from this one of many glaring plot holes. Anyway, Cruise and the gang make it out while the fucking little girl is screaming her fucking head off! I swear that little bitch needed a kick in the jaw.

Eventually they make it to the rich stepfather's house, but before they can make themselves comfy, a plane falls on it. The entire neighborhood is destroyed except SUPER MINI VAN which doesn't even have a fucking scratch! After some more screaming and yelling with the fucking kids, the go off on their merry way.

They eventually make it to the ferry, but their van gets jacked by some crazy mob and now they have to walk to the ferry. They manage to get on and they're on their way to Boston until BOO! The big clunky goofy aliens show up and start blowing shit up for no good reason again! Panic ensues, people get killed, boat gets sunk, blah blah blah, but big surprise, not only is Cruise a world class sprinter, but now he's a world class swimmer as well as he drags his shitty kids to safety. They eventually stumble upon some huge battle between the military and the aliens. One thing I couldn't help but notice was that civilians were running TO the battle site to investigate. What the fuck is wrong with these people? You do NOT run TOWARD a major military engagement, but these dumb asses did. A friend of mine asked me where all the black people were, I told him that they were running AWAY offscreen since no self respecting black person would do something so stupid. Anyway, the annoying son is one of these dumbasses as he charges into the battle UNARMED just in time to get caught in a massive explosion as Cruise looks on in terror, or is it glee? One down, one to go.

So the goofy clunky machines continue killing people, but Cruise and the freaked out daughter find "safety" with some paranoid nut case. Eventually the aliens come a knockin' on the door and suddenly we're in the movie Signs as Cruise and crew narrowly escape the "evil" aliens who look like giant weird looking crickets that were sooo advanced and studied everything about us for millions of years, yet they didn't know what a bicycle was. Ookay. Paranoid dude freaks out when he sees that the aliens harvest blood and shit it all over the place to grow this weird looking vines. Cruise has to man up and kill him to save his daughter. Lot of good that did because the little shit gets captured anyway, but super Cruise manages to save her by blowing up the machine with a couple of grenades. hooray.

So now he and his shitty daughter are walking to Boston and when they get there, they find out that all the machines have suddenly fallen down and the aliens have mysteriously died because of bacteria and shit. Your'e telling me that they studied this planet for millions of years yet they didn't see that the very atmosphere was lethal to them? Yeah, I know the original movie ended the same way, but those aliens were just passing through when they decided to invade, these aliens had MILLIONS of years to study everything about the Earth before invading. What the fuck ever.

Anyway Cruise and shitty daughter make it to the mother and the grandparents' house which was in the middle of a neighborhood that seems to have made it unscratched. Hell, it looked like his ex wife, yuppie husband and her parents looked healthy, well fed and just got out of the spa while Tom looked like he'd gone through hell and back.
Oh yeah, the dumb shithead of a son was WAITING for them there. That's right, he survived the mini nuclear explosion and actually beat Tom and his sis to Boston. sigh... at this point of the movie, I was just glad that the pain is over and was thinking about the closest exit to my car.

THE END.