NARNIA Review... BIG ASS SPOILERS.

Well I saw the movie during a midnight showing so I thought I’d post my thoughts.


First, the good: The child actors all did well with Lucy and Edmund being the best primarily because they had the meatiest roles. Mr. and Mrs. Beaver were also well done and their scenes were enjoyable and they cut their screen time out just when they were starting to become annoying. The witch was hot. She was pasty, a little scrawny and she had a really bad weave, but for some reason I found her very attractive. that's really all I can think of.

The problems: First off is the problem with Narnia itself - it just isnt great fantasy. I hear the books are definitely on the light weight side and there just isn’t a strong fantasy world, large drama, or much in the way of complex themes. This is very much a children's series, moreso than even Harry Potter (despite this there are several fucked up moments that I will go into later). Good and Evil are so painfully apparent and there is no real depth to their actions. Also it seems as though C.S. Lewis just wasnt very big on the whole imagination thing: Everything we are confronted with in Narnia is either just a regular animal who talks, or a creature taken from fantasy lore created long before his time (centaur, griffen, faun, etc). Narnia itself isnt very breathtaking, it's sole monument being some lame ass lamppost (not quite Eisengaard but it will have to do).

Speaking of Lord of the Rings (which I don’t like much either), much of Narnia was also shot in New Zealand, and WETA did several of the effects in it. This perhaps partially explains why everything in the film feels like "Lord of the Rings-Lite", especially the “climactic” battle. Although where LOTR had Gandalf, we get Santa Claus… I kid you not… fucking SANTA CLAUS. What the fuck??? He comes outta nowhere and gives the kids a buncha weapons and takes off to molest some elves. Yeah, thanks for sticking around for the climatic battle between good and evil, Kris Kringle. The fucker could have at least given the brats some automatic weapons. Oh well.

A few more problems I had with the movie itself were this new age, Enya-like score that permeated the scenes, the constant use of dramatic slow motion, and a few of the matte shots were really bad.

The climactic battle scene, while unimpressive, was also somewhat bewildering. Having these kids take up weapons and fight and kill in this war is a disturbing image and it was not lessened by the quick build up to it. We’re led to believe that these kids from some british town I can’t even pronounce in the 1940s are supposed to be expertly proficient at medieval weapons in a span of a couple of days, killing battle hardened monsters that were 3 times their size with ease??

Peter was especially savage during this but it didnt seem for any good reason. What did he really care about narnia for? It seemed as if once they met Mufasa, I mean, Aslan they were cast under a spell (maybe thats the metaphor). That’s another thing I don’t get… they were prophesized to defeat the evil queen and rule as kings and queens yet this lion seemed to be doing all the real work while they just stood around playing with themselves. Also, am I the only who noticed the Jesus parallel when Mufasa, I mean, Aslan sacrifices himself for the sins of another only to be brought back to life??? COME ON.
This Lion comes back from the dead, has thousands of followers and he can literally bring the dead back to life, kills the strangely attractive witch, thus leading everyone to victory yet four British brats are destined to rule??
Then he takes off! Probably to go film The Lion King or something..


Then we have the ending which always freaked me out as a kid and still does onscreen. So they spend the next 20 years or so in Narnia, grow up, and then eventually make their way back through the wardrobe and pop out as kids again - do they look at themselves and go "oh shit, we have to go through puberty again?!" I don’t know about anyone else but that’s NOT an experience I would want to go through again!