Okay OKAY!!

Yes I'm well aware Obama is now the president of the United States and all the monumental historical significance that goes with it.
So now please stop reminding me of the fact so I can get back to living my life please!
Yeesh!

Cable sucks

When I got rid of my high priced fancy digital hi def dvr On Demand Cable package, something incredible happened.... I became more productive!

It's true! Instead of lying on the couch for countless hours on end flipping through 200 plus channels and never watching a show in its entirety, I actually (gasp) got things done!

I managed to complete several projects I've been putting off as well as putting a big dent in several others. I actually talked to and hung out with friends more and I rediscovered my love affair with my bike... in fact I bought a new one. yeah, it was kind of an impulsive buy, but it was shiny and I WANTED it!

Anyway, the tv remains off most of the time except when I want to watch a movie or something, but a majority of my time is spent sketching random subjects as i continue clear off the cobwebs of my illustration skills... sheesh it's amazing how much your skill suffers when you don't maintain it.

Yeah, I'm feeling quite good about myself since being freed from the cable beast and I have no plans on returning... well until Battlestar Galactica comes back... there's no WAY I'm missing the final season.

Fat, lazy and happy?

Why do some lazy, usually fat people claim they are enjoying life while labeling people who would rather exercise, keep in shape, eat sensibly, etc as "unhappy" people depriving themselves from the joys of life?

Well excuse me, but there are some folks out there who find just as much enjoyment from life by being physically active. They find a tremendous sense of accomplishment when they push their bodies to the next level and achieve their desired physical goals. It's a feeling of euphoria that a typical couch potato couldn't begin to comprehend.
Nope, according to them, these kinds of people are "obsessive, narcissistic pawns with major self image issues, completely devoid of any kind of personality."
God forbid that someone can actually be happy doing such "horrible" things to their bodies (ie;sweating). God freakin' forbid that they should "deprive" themselves of that third helping of triple chocolate cake.

Nope, apparently the true path to happiness is being a lazy glutton while continually deluding yourself into believing that you are indeed living life to the fullest.
Well imagine how much more you could live that life if you could actually walk up a hill without gasping for air. Imagine the joy you could experience when you don't have to constantly shop for new clothes because your old ones don't fit anymore.
What really kills me is when these "life loving and enjoying" people actually complain about their size, but do NOTHING about it...unless you count coming up with elaborate yet lame excuses as doing something.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to look like some perfect 10 fitness model or anything, but just doing a little as opposed to nothing will make a big difference. Who knows... you might even *gasp* enjoy it.

Anyway, if you people are perfectly content with your lifestyle and your ever expanding waistline, knock yourselves out but don't try to condemn the more active people as being less happy than you are.

My neighbor

So my neighbor, a sweet lil old lady i occasionally wave to and talk with while riding my bike looks like she's on her last legs. She's had this really harsh sounding cough for the last couple of weeks and doesn't seem quite and lively.

I supposed I have to prepare for the inevitable. One day I'm going ride by her house and she won't be on her porch watering her flowers and there will be a for sale sign in her yard.

That kind of sucks.

Maybe she'll leave me her fortune to me when she passes on and I'll be locked in a bitter and drawn out legal battle with her spoiled greedy children.


Curse my charming personality.

Stubby

So I'm riding my bike in the neighborhood and once again I hear the old familiar bark of the dog that always confronts me when I get to a certain hill.
It doesn't really do anything mean, it just barks, asserting it's territory.

I've been riding through here for weeks now and the dog (I call her stubby) continues to bark at me despite the fact that I've introduced myself, gave it a belly rub and made nice-nice with her owner. Then I noticed that other dogs were watching, so I'm guessing it's more than asserting her territory, it was to save face in front of her peers so she wouldn't appear weak, to the hierarchy, so I guess she's just doing her job.

One thing about this neighborhood I've noticed that is almost everyone has a dog and they let them run around freely in the yard, but they don't run around all over the place like you would expect, the actually STAY in their own yards, never leaving their boundaries. Even if I ride past them they barely pay any attention to me, at most I get a mild "gruff".

Kind of odd if you ask me. Either their owners trained them extremely well or they are Stepford Dogs... diabolical, perfectly behaved doggy clones.
I'm guessing Stubby is the last true dog on the block since she's only one who seems to exhibit doggy behavior, but as soon as she stops barking and chasing me, I'll know that she's become one of THEM.

Poor Stubby.

Duh moment.

So I was at the gym this morning and I noticed an older woman who had a physique women half her age would kill to have and I thought to myself: "Gee, she must work out or something."

Then I remembered where I was.

I was glad I didn't say that thought out loud.

My encounter with Barbara Streisand

Back in college I was chatting with some career counselors and another employee walked in and I told her "Hey you remind me of young Barbra Streisand." I said it as a compliment because personally I thought she was hot in her prime, despite the huge schnoze, but for some reason she took it as a Jewish insult. I was kind of taken off guard by the reaction; "How so", I asked. She went off about because of the holocaust Jews have a smaller gene pool and blah, blah, blah. The other counselors were telling her I meant it as a compliment but she wasn't having it. She said to me "Now look here, mister..." and I started laughing because she actually said "look here, mister."
Of course this set her off even more because she apparently thought I was laughing about the holocaust and I just looked around at the other people and they were just as stunned as I was, one even shrugged his shoulders. It seemed like everyone instantly shut up once the "H" word was mentioned.

Of course this didn't stop me from asking her out in the middle of her bitch fest. Man, if I could have taken a picture of the expression on her face I would've put it on a billboard. It was a mixture of rage, amusement and confusion all in one.
Then she promptly left the room.
One of the counselors turned around, looked at me and said "you're my hero"

Whatever... I'd feel more heroic if I actually got to boink the young Barbara Streisand.

Stupid fucking commericals 2008 edition

-I hate this new Taco bell commercial for the Bacon taco they have.
It's some chick with her friend in a club, and one of them as a bacon taco in her purse, "cause guys love bacon" and it will bring us running.

"Hey there, wanna buy me a drink?"

"What the fuck bitch, you smell like bacon!"

"Yea doesn't it get you turned on?"

"Fuck no, you smell like bacon! Bacon is food, I don't fuck food!"


I can't stand girls gone wild commercials. theres one every freaking commercial break on late night. it's like, yes yes, we've seen this before. wave a few dollars and these hoes take off their top and magically become horney lezbos. been there done that, whether in space or the rain forest. funniest thing is people actually pay for those dvds, when you can see all the tatas on the internet for free.

it's that time again.............

I've been to portland, Santa Fe, Seen Elvis on the way!
Las Vegas, Delaware. Even in my underwear!

....I've been Everywhereeeeeee!! I've been Everywhere!

I wonder. have they been to the 29 hells? I would like for them to go.

..............And never return.



-I hate that seemingly feminist empowerment song-- "I Can Do Anything You Can Do Better!". There have been 1 or 2 commercials that feature that garbage....I can't even remember what the commercials were about, but I instantly hated them because of that putrid song.

-There's that anti-flea commercial with that stupid ass puppy singing in the voice of a horrible little kid. "There aint' no bugs on me!" Small children singing is torture on the ears. It's a boy that sings this trash, and it's shameful....he will (or should) definitely be embarrassed about it when he's older, because there is 0 bass in his voice; puberty obviously didn't hit him just yet....and that kind of lame kiddy voice is exactly what they were looking for in the commercial, but it's still terrible. It's probably aimed at women anyway since they think anything regarding small children is "so cute". I can't stand it...I mute or change the channel immediately when it's on.
I'm ashamed to even remember what I sounded like when I was that age.....fortunately puberty blessed me with the sexiest voice in the world by about 8th or 9th grade....I think it was the summer between those years.


-Lowe's Gardening Center brings color to your life. Well, shit. I didn't realize my life was in mono-fucking-chrome, since I can see in color pretty much all the time. Guess what, assholes? The color in a Lowe's Gardening Center isn't more vivid than it is anywhere else. In fact, with all the fluorescent lighting, the color is actually more washed out and blue-tinted. And where's the classical music from the commercial? All I ever hear at the actual damn place is the damn intercom asking sales associates for help elsewhere in the damn store because no one can find anything. Fuck you, Lowes. Home Depot is just as colorful.

-The fucking animal shelter commercial with that "In the arms of the angels" song. I don't want to hear that annoying song. Now I want to kill some animals.

-That fucking verizon commercial where those hundreds of douchebags are following that chick out of her office (probably just got finished blowing her boss again) as she yaps on and on about all the shit she's gonna do on her phone now that it's cheap to call people, mainly dumping all the men she's been fucking for the past few weeks and in general just being a big ol bitch to everyone she knows because as stated before, much like herself, her calling plan is CHEAP! YAY! I can be a bitchcuntWHORE for half the money!
I bet off camera those verizon employees formed a train on her ass to aid her in fulfilling her ultimate dream of breaking the world's gang bang record.

-"Joe Whatever? A best-selling author of a financial book that has nothing to do with cars is telling me to buy a Hyundai?" Well, I guess I should listen to him because he obviously knows about cars or some shit. You ever wonder why a top-selling guru has to resort to shooting commercials for a shoddy Korean car while spouting off relatively sound but impersonal financial advice on TV? I don't because I know they're paying him up the ass to lure gullible dipshits, who think they're making sound investments by buying cars they can't really afford, to the dealerships. How about you at least recommend a good car next time, financial guru? Or—I don't know—maybe you can just shut the fuck up and continue to get rich off your books, you greedy scamming mother fucker!

-"Sorry. Joe doesn't have AT&T, so he can't get your calls here, so no one will want to date you." Wait, what? Hey, genius, they have this thing called voicemail these days. Actually, no. I'm pretty sure they also had it twenty fucking years ago too with the answering machine. You can try leaving a message, maybe. I think dear ol' Dad would get it after he's done annoying people on Makeout Ridge. What the hell is this, the 50s? And what the hell is he even doing out there in the first fucking place? Why didn't he call you from home? Because, you know, since you're at your retarded friend's house, you should have had reception. Fuck, your whole family is retarded.

-That fucking enzynte or whatever you call that boner pill and their fucking mascot "Joe" That fucking creepy guy with that frozen corpse smile of his. Why hasn't he been brought to justice yet?? If he doesn't scream I'm a serial killing, goat fucking, pedophile, I don't know what does.
Acutally I think he's a long dead corpse and his actions are being controlled by midgets in his pants.

-Those I'm a Mac commercials are annoying as fucking hell. I can't imagine someone watching one of those would be like yeah being an unwashed slacker douchebag is awesome, I'm going to go out and buy a mac! Yippeee!

-ALL commercials geared towards women.


-Oh and let's not forget that fucking 5 dollar foot long commercial from Subway. It shows random fuckers holding up their hands 12 inches apart to illustrate subway's foot long sandwhich.
You can give it way for free, I wouldn't eat it. Subway sandwiches smell and taste like feet.
Fuck your footlong.

Saving the Planet! Weeeee!

I was at the recycling center last weekend, doing my part to save the Earth and all that crap and saw something disturbingly hilarious.

This typical yuppie looking chick was unloading her recyclables from her big ass Expedition type SUV monstrosity. This scene alone was full of irony which made me chuckle, but as I kept watching her it got even more surreal.
As she was unloading the crap, she never turned off her engine, no big deal... I guess... maybe she was just doing a quick drop off right? Wrong. When she finished dumping her garbage, the bitch actually gets into your SUV, DRIVES a whole 10 FEET to the next recycling bin and proceeds to dump off another load. She does this six more times! The loads weren't even that big, but I guess she couldn't be bothered with turning off her engine and actually WALK to each bin.

Afterwards, she drives off with a self-satisfied smuggity smug look on her face, like she just saved the freaking planet as she no doubt went to the nearest gas station to fill up her 12mpg SUV monstrosity as she yapped on her cell phone, probably telling her equally smug uppity yuppie bitch friend about her good deed for the week.

I hope someone hits her with a rabid badger.

Why do horror movies suck? I know why!

It appears the new generations of moviegoers are being desensitized to much of what we try to scare people with in horror movies nowadays.

However, I'll give a couple of examples of some truly horrifying situations/good camera work/inventive ideas.


1. It was one of the Freddy movies, I can't remember which, but it's where the girl is running up the stairs and they turn to marshmallow. For me, this is one of my biggest fears, having my progress slowed down while trying to escape from something that wants me dead. Granted, I was a kid when I saw this, so of course it's going to be scarier. But if I'm running away from something in one of my nightmares, it always seems as though there is something trying to slow me down. My muscles fatigue easily, I move extremely slow, I keep falling off my bike or I can't get the car started. There's always something preventing you from getting away. That's a fear of mine.


2. Hostel. I know, I know. Lots of people didn't like this movie, but I think there's one scene in the movie that stands out from all the rest from a perspective of good cinema. When the main character's friend (I can't remember their names) wakes up in the torture room after being out the night before partying. The only thing you see is what the character sees. Everything is black except for this one small hole, you know he has something over his head. He's looking around and you can hear his breath quicken: he's inside a dingy little room, one barely working lightbulb overhead, the walls are lined with all kinds of power tools and knives and various cutting objects used for surgery. He sees the door open and some man in hospital scrubs with a big plastic apron on comes walking through the door, looking over the various utensils.

That's a really good scene out of an average movie, in my opinion. If you put yourself into that situation, tell me you wouldn't be shitting yourself. This is what's missing from a lot of horror films nowadays, in my opinion. The lack of personal fear.
Everyone is different, we all have different things that make us cringe or want to look away. Films play too much on gore, to which we are mostly desensitized, at least I know I am. They also are based too much on the supernatural thriller type, which is a byproduct of converting the old Japanese/Korean horror films of the same kind. The Ring did it well, but they should have stopped there. I also believe the Ring had the best "scary picture/scary sound out of the blue" moment, when they showed that girl in the closet with her face sucked thin and her skin all green and stretched out. I admit it, that part got me good. I was actually glad it did, because that means that I haven't been completely desensitized.

Also,they are just recycling old movies. the horror remake market is insane, and every single one of them sucks. Period. If you disagree, you're wrong. The second problem is the explosion of the "torture porn". Stories are barely a byproduct of the violence anymore. it's a constant string of how violent and disturbing can we make every scene in this movie. movies like the haunting(the original, bastards) frightened me far more than any of the modern horrors, and you never once see anything in that movie but some bending doors. Kids don't want to use their imagination anymore, just show us everything in all it's cgi glory! I like letting my twisted imagination do some of the work to scare me...


I think horror movies started playing to a general audience rather than play on a specific fear, object, or idea that would make a more niche crowd truly scared. The idea of getting big returns on films is the driving force behind most of the film industry today, and that eliminates trying to play on a specific fear that would genuinely make a lot of people cringe. Or maybe we are just desensitized to everything and the only way to "scare" us is with startle tactics of throwing shit up on screen that you otherwise wouldn't see coming and using the painfully overused "creepy kid" character. I don't know why they think this would scare anyone. Personally it makes me want to run up and ring the little fuckers' neck rather than run AWAY from them.

I'm done.

Another reason to hate fatties

So I'm watching Animal Planet the other night and there was some show about british people with fat pets and I have to say that it really pissed me the fuck off.

This one scene some fat british pig of a woman brings in her grossly overweight dog and the vet pretty much told her outright that if she didn't quit stuffing his face regularly, the dog would be dead in under a year.
The fat pig of a british woman kept vowing that she would stop killing her dog with food and after the bitch left, one of the camera crew asks him if he thinks that she will keep her word to which the vet quickly replied "no... the dog is as good as dead."

Sure enough when the camera crew follows her home, what's the first thing she does? Well I'll tell you, the bitch feeds the dog six pieces of CAKE. I'm not talking doggy cake or some cheesy thing like that, but real CAKE. She had bought the damn thing to celebrate the birthday of one of her other dogs who oddly enough, weren't overweight at all.

For fuck's sake, If a person wants to stuff themselves until the turn into big fat bloated pieces of flabby shit, that's their choice and I don't have a problem with it as long as I don't have to look at them or be anywhere near them. But if they decided to take their pet with them on their lonely fat miserable road to obesity, that's when I have a problem.... that's fucking pet abuse, plain and simple and although I'm not one of these fruitcake animal lovers who treat and talk to their pets like they are four legged humans, I don't condone animal abuse of any kind (except for a swift kick in the ass to assert dominance of course) and that's exactly what this is!

There was also another scene featuring some bull lesbo dyke and her GROSSSSSLY obese rotty. This dog was so fucking huge, it's stomach was dragging on the ground.
When a dog groomer suggest that the dog lose some pounds, the bull dyke got all defensive and insisted her dog was healthy. Healthy? Yeah, right, the fucking dog was struggling to breath for fuck's sake!
Did I mention that the lesbo was also a porker? I'm beginning to see a disturbing pattern here and it just confirms that fatties are truyly miserable sacks of shit who will never be happy until everyone and everything is just as fat, miserable and disgusting as they are and unfortunately that applies to their pets.

Fuck 'em

Silly teen.

So for some ungodly reason I found myself at the mall the other day, visiting the only store worth going to (the Mac Store) and on my way out, this little teen age pimply faced douchebag suddenly knocks a display off one of the local kiosks and runs off.
People in the area reacted in a stunned silence as the little shit fled and business went on as usual.
Then suddenly the shithead comes back and kicks the display window of the abercrombie and fitch store then turns around a knocks down a t-shirt stand on yet another kiosk and quickly runs away again.

Now I don't have a problem with the kid banging on the abercrombie store, fuck those fucking fuck fuckers, too bad he didn't didn't throw a molotov through the damn window.
I do have a problem with his random attacks on the locally owned kiosks.
The are just people trying to make a buck without working for some corporate asshole and they certainly didn't deserve this "hellion's" unwarranted act of defiance.

Well...except that foreign bastard who sold me a cheap ass phone cover for my cell, he and his business can go straight to hell.

Back to the kid, what a pussy way to show defiance... ooooooh, let's knock down and kick various objects, but not hard enough to actually break them.
Pfffh.... back in my day, when we wanted to show defiance, we'd shave the neighbor's dog or shoot some squirrels with a bb gun.

Kids today...

Vincent-1 Influenza-0

Last week the flu decided to pay me a little visit and after a short 2 day battle, I ended up kicking its ass.
No meds, no pussy doctor visit, no pansy flu shot... nope, just my manly immune system, orange juice and Tylenol.

A big thanks to all my friends who checked in on me and offered to cook and buy stuff for me, I really appreciate it.... except for that ONE friend who just couldn't make herself drive 8 miles in the middle of the night to bring me some chocolate.
I will NOT soon forget this shocking display of disloyalty.

No shit

So a friend of mine was bitching the other day about women and how the the whole "being yourself" thing just doesn't work and he's sick of it and blah blah blah.

I told him that maybe he should refrain using the story about how he fed shit to a dog as an ice breaker during the first date.

He grudgingly agreed.

Oh yeah.....I have a blog

The other day I ran into a friend of mine and his wife and little kid.
After a brief re-introduction and chit chat, inevitably the focus came upon the child.
It...I mean she was 1 year old and oddly enough fairly well behaved..."for the moment at least", as my friend said NON-jokingly.

Anyway, the mother was doing what mothers do best and that's doting all over her little girl like she were a freaking angel and all that and then the dreaded question came up as she looked at me and asked: "Isn't she the cutest little girl you've ever seen??"

I looked at the kid then looked at her and said "no".
As her mouth dropped open I added that my sister's kids are the cutest kids I've ever seen. As much grief as I've given my sis over the years, I've gotta admit that she squirted out some good looking kids.

Don't get me wrong, my friend's kid wasn't ugly or anything, in fact it was a perfectly average non-ugly Caucasian female child. You could probably see a few hundred more of them on any given day.

Well the mother didn't seem to pleased that I didn't agree with her assessment of her wonder girl as I'm sure thousands of others have done before and I guess I could've broken down and said what I was expected to say, but then I wouldn't be me.
My friend's reaction was unresponsive other than a slight smirk, because he's known me since high school and he knows that I was never good at the whole bullshit thing.
The wife didn't have that luxury as she could barely contain her waspy passive aggressive demeanor after my viscous assault upon her one and only shining princess.

Oh well, I'm sure my friend will explain it to her, if not--that's okay because I forgot her name 10 minutes after I was introduced to her.

I was right!

A friend of mine told me that a former girlfriend of hers is a genuine call girl!

a hooker
street walker
lot lizard
a working girl
practitioner of the world's oldest profession
a lady of the night
concubine
a strumpet
a skank ass ho!

Funny thing is, I've been telling her this for MONTHS while she was still friends with the skag, but as usual nobody listens to the crazy old man with the twitching eye!

She's actually moved in with her PIMP for god's sake! When will people learn that my wisdom is absolute?