Uncertainty

Don't you hate that feeling of not knowing where you stand with someone, despite the fact that you've pretty much bared your soul to them? Then you start to come to the realization that you have no idea how this person feels about you. You just assume they feel the same way because they're still with you and you do fun things together, but at the same time, they do or say things that might suggest that you're wrong. Impossible to tell which one because each time you confront them directly about it, they respond with some cryptic answer or avoid it completely, thus leaving you in the dark.



Oh course you get to the point where you just don't care anymore... I think I'm on the verge of doing that.

Dear God!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!

Okay, I'm enjoying Friday night, laying on my bed, full of IHOP goodness and enjoying the nice cool breeze from my window. I had just awakened from a quick nap and was actually prepping myself for a late night work out at the gym, when I get the call.

It was my friend who has been having some boyfriend issues lately and of course I get to hear about it every other day. Anyway, she wasn't bitching as bad that night and in my infinite compassion, I agreed that she could come over and watch a movie together. My IHOP wasn't totally outta my system and I had an hour or two to spare. Why not?



Well the movie was god fucking AWFUL!!! It was something called Boat Trip, starring the annoying Cuba Gooding Jr. and some fat ass nobody. The plot is HILARIOUS (Just to let you know, the previous statement is nothing but pure unadulterated SARCASM.)!

Cuba is heartbroken because he got his punk ass dumped by the woman he loves and his fat ass friend has an idea to help him get over her... A SEA CRUISE!!! Apparently women turn into sluts on the high seas or something. Anyway, through a series of wacky mix-ups they end up on a--get this... A GAY CRUISE!!! HOLY SHIT!! SLAP ME IN THE FACE AND FUCK MY DOG! How fucking brilliant!! Anyway, the two of them begin to act like children and freak out when they see other "dudes' dancing and holding hands and a whole buncha of stereotypical "gay stuff". ANYWAY, Cuba falls in love with the only chick on the cruise, but there's only one problem---SHE THINKS HE'S GAY!!! DAMN!!!! I totally didn't see that one coming! So in order to be with this chick (who is insanely fucking HOT, by the way), he has to---are you ready for this---PRETEND HE'S GAY!!! And all sorts of wacky little queer hijinks ensue.



Shit... I've had more fun picking splinters out of my testicles!



Wish I could say the pain stopped there, but it actually got worse. Apparently my friend had a relapse about her boyfriend drama and took it upon herself to vomit all the juicy, chunky details all over me! I swear the bitch went on for a solid HOUR spouting all this hatred and petty bullshit. AND SHE WAS LOUD AS HELL when she was doing it, too!! Good God, shut your fucking TRAP!!!!

But that was just the cake...here's the icing...then after all that was said and done SHE ACTUALLY COMES ON TO ME! Well, that was the last straw... i told her she had to leave and didn't even bother making a polite excuse.



It was almost 2am when all was said and done. I still decided to work out to burn off the IHOP and to get a little bit of that 3 hours that was so brutally taken away from me.



I had a damn good workout, plus I noticed a cute chick at Wal-mart checking me out. Too bad I smelled too much like ass, to do anything about it, but it was still cool.

Doggone it!

Okay, I found out that the cute server chick that Manda said was hitting on all those months ago is pregnant! Well, that officially takes her off the list. Sheesh....what's up with everyone getting pregnant lately. I swear it's some kind of pregnacy virus going around. Good thing I've initiated a LEVEL-5 sexual qaurantine.

I'm in no mood to become a baby-daddy

Dawn of The Dead DVD (2004) Review **SPOILERS**

all you can eat at Ryan's Steakhouse



I saw the unedited version of DotD and loved it. What I can't understand is why didn't they leave in the parts they cut? The asian one armed running zombie was fast as hell!! The look on his face as he was getting shot cracked me up!

There was also more character development as well. Normally I don't give a shit, but it was still interesting learning a bit more about these people before they became zombie chow. Glen's little confession to the guards was funny as hell, plus the part with him saying he doesn't believe in God was cool too.

Then there's the slut chick. I always wondered why there was tension between her and dumb ass dog loving chick. That was revealed in the deleted scenes section. And you know what? I hate that stupid, dog loving, piece of shit retard bitch, too!



The part where they bust out of the guns and ammo store, they show that they used a propane tank to disperse the zombies before they made a run for it. This was NOT in the original movie. It should have been because I always wondered how the fuck they were able to make it outside while being totally surrounded by zombies. You never see HOW they do it, they're just...out there all of a sudden. Always thought that was lame as hell, but I'm glad they explained it.



Oh, yeah, back in the beginning when Anna is getting the fuck outta dodge, she encounters a random naked chick just walking down the road in a daze. She wasn't a zombie and none were attacking her, she was just walking down the road, butt nekkid. This was cut out of the original release. I'm kinda torn here-- I could see why they cut it out because it made no sense, it slowed down the pace and it served no purpose to the story whatsoever, but it's a random hot nekkid chick!! So confusing!



Oh yeah, (yeah, I'm skipping all over the place) when they first enter the mall, they show the origins of the toilet that was thrown through the window and why they did it. Apparently a lotta dumb asses with NO imagination complained about this scene and I guess they needed to spoon feed them the reasons why: THEY WERE IN A BED & BATH STORE. THE DOOR WAS LOCKED! THEY NEEDED A WAY OUT! window+DISPLAY TOILET= a way out!!!

I remember hearing some dumb cunts asking why did they dismantle a toilet to break a window? Jeeeeeeezus. Anyway...



The bonus features were cool too, particularly Andy's documentary. Apparently his tape is found by other survivors which is cool. I like the way he addressed the age old question: "why didn't he just snipe all dem damn zombies?" Well he tried, you know what? The gunshots just attracted MORE zombies! Makes sense...probably not a good idea shooting a gun off in a city full of creatures who are attracted by sound.



The deleted scenes were cool too. I can understand why they left some out, but there were others they should've kept, imo. Particularly the scene where they open the moving truck doors to free the people and they get a nasty little undead surprise.

Also the part where they actually show them barricading the doors (and doing a half ass job at it).



The other features were well done, too, like the News coverage of the outbreak. I especially like the dumbass frat kids who have a zombie chick chained up and encourage another dumbass to try to rape her or something. Of course the outcome is hilariously inevitable. What's even funnier is that during the credits they are actually referred to as DUMBASS#1, DUMBASS#2, etc. Good stuff!



The special effects feature was awesome and a bit frustrating. It's always been my life long dream to appear as a member of the undead in a zombie flick and watching all these people getting made up in zombie make-up and having a good time running around like idiots REALLY made me jealous! That should be me dammit!!! Rest assured my dream will be fufilled....oh yes....it will.



One of the best parts of the dvd was the "headshot effects". Man, nothing is as satisfying as seeing a zombie's head get blowed up reeeal good! Kind of a turn on as well..... I'm sure that's not normal....I might have to look into that.





Okay, I'm bored now. There's a whole lot more that I don't feel like yappin' about. Just watch it for yourself.

One of those days…

Have you ever had days when you felt like THIS? Boy I sure have!

The KKK in K-Town

the truth is out!



I always knew that Knoxville was a hot bed for Ku Klux Klan activity and finally I have photographic evidence! It's not a photoshop crop or anything! That's right! Apparently the KKK has gotten into the doughnut business and they are supporters of the UT Volunteers!

This photo was taken (at great personal risk, I might add) at a Krispy Kreme that's only a couple of miles from where I live! The fucking cops eat there all the time (big surprise) so that confirms my theory that the cops are a buncha racist mother fuckers.

I'm so glad I've boycotted Krispy fucking Kreme doughnuts.

Otis is dead.

I just found out this morning that my boss's dog Otis died yesterday. Actually he was killed by other dogs, but I don't know the details. I'm gonna miss that little guy always coming into my office for his daily neck and belly rub and begging for food.



He was such a goofy little Boston Terrier with an attitude to match. Though he sounded like a pig sometimes with all those snorting sounds he made, he was a good ol' dog. Poor little guy. RIP Dirty Otis.

What the hell is wrong with Ohio???

Are you people just stupid or what? See the name and group they're representing? See the box next to the name? Then think carefully about who you want as the next president and punch that hole next to it. There, no wasn't that easy?

NO??? Ugh, then you must be a resident of Ohio.

Check out the article below and witness stupidity at its finest.

Looks like Florida has got some competition for overall retardness this year.



CLEVELAND - Absentee voters in the most populous county of a critical state in the presidential election are complaining about a ballot layout that they say might prompt some people to choose the wrong candidate, or none at all.



Another voting issue was left in limbo for Ohioans Wednesday when a federal judge rejected Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell's latest order on how to handle people who try to vote in the wrong precinct. The dispute means election boards may receive two sets of orders as they wait for an appeals court to rule.



The absentee voting problem in Cuyahoga County occurs when voters align the ballot portion, which shows a candidate's name, a number and an arrow, with the punch card, which also bears numbers. The pieces are designed to align in the voting machines used on Election Day, but the numbers don't always line up for people voting absentee.



The elections board in the traditionally Democratic county has fielded numerous calls from voters confused about the layout of absentee ballots.

Listening to the heart

You know, I've been listening to my heart a lot lately which is a far cry from the days where I listened to my penis. I gotta say thinking with the latter is a lot less painful and far less complicated, but it has taught me one thing.... the heart is a DUMB SON OF A BITCH. You're digging this girl A LOT and you know that she doesn't or never will feel the same way about you, but some retarded sounding, half-queer voice inside you starts screaming, "Don't give up. Listen to your heart!" Yeah, great advice! Three restraining orders later and a few months in jail you start thinking back on how much of a pathetic turd you were to ever listen to your fucking heart! Of course you get distracted by blinding pain every once in awhile because you're applying ointment to your swollen anus because you were getting butt slammed by your cellmate and his buddies while doing time in the pokie.

The heart is for suckers. At least with your penis, you don't have to worry about annoying emotional attachments or countless sleepless hours thinking about some broad who barely knows you exist. With the penis, it's all primal. No thinking, no emotion and no fucking feelings! Just poke, shoot and boot the broad outta your place. Simple, neat and satisfying.



Good news is, I think I'm moving out of this heart phase. I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to solve this illustration job I have for a chick's poetry book that's about to be published and how much money I can make from it. That means I'm thinking with my brain and cold hard cash will bitchslap the FUCK outta the heart every mother fucking time!



CHA-CHING!

My friend's crisis

I was chatting with a friend today and I was shocked and dismayed over the devastating problem she's been having.





my friend has been having.... TOO MUCH sex.



Man, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean what do you say to someone going through that ordeal. Mere words aren't going to do any good. I just wanted to comfort her until her skull cracked open and all the red colored goodness poured out into the street.



Oh WHY must my friend be burdened with such a foul curse, o lord!!!! She's never doen anything to deserve such a fate!!! Take me, God!!! Take Meeeeeee!!!!! PLEASE....



no... really.... take me.... I've been in this fucking drought long enough. This is fucking ridiculous, man! Too much fucking sex, cry me a fucking ocean! How about too much of my BOOT up your ass! Huh? Ya like that??!



Not that I'm bitter or anything... time to kill some fucking kittens.

Words to live by

CHANGE.

When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.



Don't agree with me? Then you've never dealt with a woman before.



Oh yeah, and go to hell for not agreeing with me.

A deep thought.

When choosing between two evils....I always like to try the one I haven't tried before.

I'm a cradle robber

disgusted by my act



I was talking to my ex yesterday and for some reason we started discussing the show "In Living Color". She goes on to say that she remembers when it first came out when she was in THIRD grade! THIRD freakin' grade!!! I was a freshman in high school when this show premiered!! I feel like such a cradle robbing perverted pedophile scumbag! No matter how many times I bathe I still feel so....unclean!



On the other hand, she's pretty hot so I think I'll recover.

Cool illusion

The dragon is watching you.

The Monday blues.

Man, I'm sitting here in the office staring at the unblinking screen of BOREDOM. Seriously, this is a major case of the Monday blues. I have no motivation whatsoever. I seem to be on auto pilot, just going through the motions. Though I appear to be a fully functioning member of the workforce, I'm really a million miles away in some distant pocket universe.



Maybe I stayed up too late going to that goth shin dig known as Sanctus. Interesting group of people. It was fun observing their behavior as they interacted with each other. I found some specimens quite mesmorizing with the way their pasty skin and shiny leather dazzled my senses, thus creating dizziness and confusion. Is this some kind of defense mechanism? I'm sure Jane Goodall felt the same way observing the chimps. Minus the chains, leather and spikes of course.



For some reason I yearned for a tranq gun so I could take one down and tag a transmitter to its ear and track its daily movements. Do they come out in the day? Do they keep their goth persona 24-7 or is it just some kind of cooky angst-driven fad. Who knows....together with my trusty fellow poser hippie assistant, my work will continue.

Random disturbing question.

Have you ever taken a girl's virginity………













































with a steak knife?



Oh come on!! You were told it was a disturbing question! Yet you scrolled down anyway! So don't get yer panties in a wad! And thus concludes my experiment in human curiosity. Thank you for playing.

crappy movie

I went to the movies with a friend of mine to check out the sequel to Ghost in The Shell. What a mistake that was. This movie was sooooo mind numbingly BORING and confusing, it was all I could do from tearing my eye lids off. Wait, first of all, let's back up here. It turns out that I didn't even have to pay for the ticket because there was nobody there to tear them. I could've just waltzed on in without a freakin' ticket! What a waste of 7 bucks!

Anyway, back to the movie--the animation was beautiful. It was a perfect marriage of traditional cel animation and cgi. Too bad it was utterly wasted on some god awful pretentious plot and just really bad writing. The characters spent most of the time quoting various books, including the Old Testament, Descartes and a bunch of other dead people I've never heard of. God I hated that! Just because they memorize some random phrases in some old book and apply to a real life situation, we're supposed to believe that they're so deep and sophisticated?? Bullshit. It's called not being creative enough to come up with your own dialogue.

There were a few brief flashes of actual action, including a relatively cool shoot out scene, but that was about it. It was just constant blah blah blah blah blah and some more blah.



When the damn thing was over I walked out confused with a slight headache and a sickening feeling that I was raped up the ass with a tree branch, but wasn't quite sure because I was drugged and the only evidence I had was a bleeding anus. That pretty much sums up this movie--a great big bloody tree branch shoved up the ass.

Young love remembered.

Ok, back in the day I had my eyes on this girl in school. She was hot, nice Supple C cup breasts, firm ass, and such a beautiful face. I always had a huge crush on her, and I had a feeling she had some feelings for me.















So now, in my junior year, I've decided that I might as well try to at least talk to her. I've been talking to her since the beginning of the school year, and her personality matches her outer beauty. She wasn't an airhead, and was pretty funny, I could actually carry on a normal conversation with her.













We clicked, and she started dropping hints she wanted to ask me out. I did so after building my courage up, and she said yes. She affirmed it by making out with me, and damn she was good at it. Her soft lips against mine, opening her mouth, and toungues becoming entwined...













What I didn't know is that she had a boyfriend outside of school, I guess she didn't think that was important enough to tell me. One of his friends saw us, and told him what he saw.











I came off the bus, and started walking the few blocks towards my house,

When a couple of guys they we’re up to no good

Started making trouble in my neighbourhood

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared

And said you’re moving with your auntie and uncle in bel-air

THE END.



story borrowed and modified from other source

In the Dark

Ever got the feeling that you were being kept out of something that affects you, but nobody is telling why? Even though it could place you in a possibly hostile situation with absolutely no way to protect yourself?

It doesn't take a genius to know that someone is hiding something about you when they answer a simple yes or no question with some cryptic and obscure statement...so annoying. One thing I absolutely hate is being totally blindsided by bullshit and I wind just standing there looking like a clueless dolt wondering what the fuck just happened. All I want to know is where I stand so I can prepare myself accordingly. Fuck that going in blind crap.

DC dud.

Well I finally got to talk with Jacqueline, the girl in DC my friend is trying to set me up with. Gotta say, I was a little disappointed. She's a cool girl and all, but other than working out, there was very little chemistry between us. We didn't have that much in common and I found myself carrying most of the conversation. No big deal though, nothing was ever going to come of this anyway. Why my friend would try to set me up with someone who lives in friggin' DC is beyond me, but he meant well. Not only that, but it turns out she only has FRIENDS in Knoxville and not family like I was led to believe. Matter of fact, she's not even going to K-town next week, but Atlanta. For a federal officer, my friend's intel sucks ass.



So after hearing that, there was pretty much no reason for me to stay on the phone. It was going nowhere fast and I was getting bored. I did promise that I'd swap pictures with her via email, but I'm not even going to do that. There's no reason that she knows what I look like and vice versa.

Profile up.

For those of you who give a piss, my profile is now available for viewing. Now you get to know a little more about the real me. Who knows…perhaps we could be friends. The rest of you can go to Hell.

OMG! A Revelation!!

she wants me



Earlier today, I amazed a friend of mine when I told her that MEN can actually get tired of sex! That's right! It's true! Too much of anything gets old really fast.

Of course I left out the detail that men get tired of sex with the SAME woman, but I enjoyed her surprised reaction.



She also couldn't quite wrap her brain around the concept that men don't WANT sex all the time!! Holy shit! Heaven forbid that a guy might be interested in something OTHER than getting between a woman's thighs!!

Shit... this kind of arrogance sickens me. I knew after that, there was no convincing her otherwise. If she wants to believe that all men are helpless slaves to her almighty vagina, so be it.



On a somewhat related topic. I need to find a woman that can cook. Now food is a love affair I'll never tire of.

At the gym

So I just finished my work out. It was a good work out. Got a good burn and the endorphines were kicking in. This put me in a particularly good mood as I decided to walk a couple of laps to cool down. While turning the corner, I saw that Stephanie instructor chick who tried peddling her class on my a couple months back. In an unfantomable gesture of good will, I SMILED and said hi to her. She looked at me like I was insane and replied back with a half ass "hello". Not just any half ass hello. You know those hellos that people say when they REALLY don't want to talk to you? Where it almost sounds like they're singing because they're straining to say it? It sounds like "hellloooo",. I hate that shit!

Is she STILL annoyed that I didn't know who the fuck she was when she introduced herself to me those months back?? Who knows. Anyway, I wasn't going to let something like that ruin my super cool mood I was in and I just shrugged an walked on.



Later on, I went into the activities rooom and took off my shirt to do the obligatory post work out self-critique. The lighting in there is fucking awesome and it brings out every little detail. Anyway, I'm doing my thing and then I noticed a couple of older ladies on exercise bikes doing a critique of their own. Sheesh...well apparently they liked what they saw. Still, it's a little embarrassing--it was like being checked out my mother. *shudder* ugh... I need a drink.

Research Update

Well, it's been over a week since i started my search for the Holy Grail of Condoms™ and here are the results thus far:



- Paradise super sensitive: Too small. Smells like cherries. Yuck.



- Kimono microthin- Extremely good sensation form fitting without cutting off vital blood supply. Could barely notice it was there. Surprisingly strong.



- Beyond Seven: Too small.



- Crown: Despite sissy pinkish color this condom is pretty damn good. Like the Kimonos they allow a lot of sensation and are paper thin, but still very strong. Took a little effort to get it on though.



- Bareback: Doesn't exactly live up to the name. Felt little difference between this and a regular condom.



That's it so far. I still haven't had a chance to test out the Prime, Lifestyles, Karma Sutra or Excalibur condoms. Don't plan on testing the Trojan thins since I've used them before. Still haven't found the Holy Grai of Condoms™, but I've definitely found two keepers with the Kimonos and Crowns.



Now if only I can find a lab partner to share my research with. This "solo studying" can be a bit irritating.... ahem....





The research continues...

This is how it SHOULD be done.

Dem Chinese don't mess 'round Ah tell yoo whut!



Hostage Negotiation

Egg shells

You ever know one of those people that no matter HOW nice you are to them, they'll always find a reason to dislike you? Ever been around someone you try to treat with respect, but they don't respect you because of that ONE petty little thing you did years ago that you don't even remember? It could've been anything ranging from not agreeing with their ideas or leaving the toilet seat up, doesn't matter, you've got an enemy for life. The truly devious part is that you don't know that they're your enemy. They'll still smile and chat with you like everything is just dandy, but below the surface is a bubbling cauldron of resentment that's been festering for years. Maybe once in a while you'll catch a hint of uneasyness here and there, but more often than not, you have no fucking clue to what's going on until you find out the hard way. Yeah, you try to make things right, even though you don't have a clue to what you did-- good luck trying to talk to "the offended" because they ain't talkin' and so you just find yourself walking on egg shells around them all the time. Actually walking through a mine field is a more accurate description.



Anyway, I just realized yesterday was the "anniversary" of my escape from the psycho ex-roommate 5 years ago. I stumbled upon her picture while digging for my old road kill photography project in college. Wow...talk about freaky coincidences. Oh, how the memories came flooding back! Man....that IS a freaky coincidence.



Well one thing's for sure, I'm NOT going to tolerate any that kind of horse shit from anyone again.



Fucking egg shell minefield bullshit.

Christopher Reeve's dead.

As you all should probably already know Christopher Reeves died today...or was it yesterday. Anyway, this seemed like a mercy death to me. He was little more than a talking corpse. He's a braver man than i'll ever be for wanting to live on after that. Hopefully he killed and ate that fucking horse before he kicked the bucket. I never did like those fucking animals.

RIP, Superman.

Random ramblings

Saw Manda yesterday for the first time in weeks which was pretty cool. Of course the first order of business for her was to throw crap at me poke the hell out of me. I didn't mind so much because I know that's her little way of showing affection. I still kicked her in the face to show her who the boss was!



Earlier I ate at IHOP and have now officially become a regular because the server asked me if i wanted my regular booth. I didn't know i had a regular booth, but apparently I do. Smoking section, back booth to the right. No, I don't smoke, but I enjoy the view the smoking section has of the outside.



Later on Sunday, Lisa invited me to watch a little independant film about the unbelievable right wing bias Fox News has with its news coverage as well as reveal the right wing political agenda of it's creator, Rupert Murdoch. Not having cable, this was all new to me. No wonder some of my friends can't stand Fox News.

Later on I played a very addictive observation game with Lisa at some coffee shop and got pretty annoyed when the touch screen wouldn't register my touch.



Wow. It's been 4 weeks since I rearranged my apartment and it's still clean! A personal record! I'm so fucking awesome!



okay, I'm done.

Close call!

I picked my boss's dog up a little too quickly and apparently he had just eaten because he nearly puked on my keyboard. Thankfully, he only let out a belch instead. Whew. I would've hated losing my job over throwing my boss's dog through the fucking window.

Daily happenings

Okay, so the doctor called this morning to confirm the appointment for Monday which is a good thing. I just want to get this taken care of as soon as possible. If it's a worst case scenario I'll probably have to have surgery the same day. That kinda sucks, but hopefully it won't come to that.



Speaking of calls, Jaqualine, (I'm sure I spelled that horribly wrong) Kenny's co-worker who he's been trying to set up a meeting with me called a couple of days ago. I finally returned her call last night and left a message on her voice mail. She lives in DC, but will be coming to town next week to visit family or something. Because of that, I'm not expecting anything from it, but from what Kenny tells me and by the sound of her voice, she sounds like she would be fun to hang out with. He also says that she has a Angela Bassett/Rosario Dawson quality about her as well as a six pack. So it's safe to say that she's good looking and in great shape. We'll see how her personality is when we talk. The last thing I want to do is be stuck with someone I have zero chemistry with all night. I don't care how good looking she is. This is assuming that I'm fully recovered from the surgery IF I have it. We'll see…

Mr. Smooth

This girl caught me checking out her ass at the store tonight and smiled. I gave her a thumbs up and walked away. Still wondering if I'm borderline retarded or reTERDed as my friend would say.



sigh...

Random movie review

yeah, but does he love him?



I saw Bloodsport earlier tonight since I couldn't go to sleep, and it was okay till the flashback to childhood sequence. Dude was retarded or something as a kid. He spoke and moved like Corky from Life Goes On.



Some kids break into the Tanaka home, and start looking at the sword, and are about to steal it. They hear a noise, drop the sword and its sheath and haul ass. Well, all but Frank. Idiot-boy slowly stumbles over, picks up the plain, unlaquered sheath and stares at it with a sleepy look on his face, like a retard with a shiny new penny. Fuck the sword, he wanted the sheath. Then Shingo gets shoved onscreen by papa Tanaka, and nails the slow witted dolt in the stomach with a roundhouse kick...which I don't think he faked a reaction to. Hey, the kid's obviously not that smart. You can smack him ALL around while making the movie, and he'll be glad to be getting his 2$ cut of the gross income a year later.



Mr. Tanaka helps him up, and slices the brim from his baseball cap with the sword for shits and giggles. Young Frank, being a retard, can only stand there with a sleepy, vacant, mouth half-open look on his face. "You did not flinch...you have the spirit of a warrior!", Mr. Tanaka says afterwards. Apparently, retards are so uncommon in Japan that Tanaka-sensei couldn't tell when he was in the presence of one. Either that or he had a little too much sake. So I guess the cure for mental retardation is taking 15 years of karate in some obscure japanese dojo because eventually this pudgy little retarded kid grows up into the buff, pretty boy, Van Damme. Who knew he was retarded? I just thought he was Belgian.



Overall it's a Classic Van Damme b-movie full of terrible actors they unloaded from a truck, corny dialogue, horrible 80s music and Van Damme's accent. The fight scenes were pretty cool, I wish they showed more of them. This is assuming that you make it past the flashback scene. That alone will have you laughing all throughout the rest of the movie.

It has begun...

moooortaaal kommba--oh wait.



My condom variety pack has finally arrived. Hold my calls.

Whua???

I just learned that a very good friend of mine and her boyfriend have moved in together. That's pretty cool news, they're a great couple and they are so unbeliveably beautiful! Seriously, these two are going to have some good looking children I tell you whut!

It's surprising, too because I was the last to know about this! Just reminded me how little i actually talk with her. I didn't even know she moved into a new place. I've gotta start paying more attention.



I also just found out that the US is waging a war on terrorism! What the hell???

Random bad joke.

Two condoms are walking down the street and they pass by a gay bar. One condom looks at the other and says, "Hey, you wanna get shit faced?"



GET IT?? SHIT FACED!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! You see it's a GAY BAR! Anal sex!! That's where SHIT is!! Condoms go head first so that means it would have shit on it's face...if...it..actually had a...um...face...let's see....hmm.... Ah fuck it! It's still hilarious!!

Manda the damned.

I got a weird series of voice mail messages of some weird music and off key singing. I didn't know who the fuck it was. I was beginning to think that i had some weird stalker crazy chick from by past who was out for revenge or something. (There's more than one).

Well I later found out it was Manda and her crazy friend Raymie having a little fun at my expense. Great. She called to see how i was doing...at least that's why i think she was calling. Couldn't really tell because most of the time she and Raymie were cracking each other up with fart jokes and other crude humor plus she spent a lot of time bitching about being cold and how Raymie's heater is a piece of shit or whatever. She said they went to Westside Tavern to eat, which happens to be 3 miles from where I live. Didn't even bother to ask me to join them. I see how it is! I guess i'm not cool enough to eat dinner with the Manda and Raymie club! BASTARDS! I'll show them! I'm make a club of my own! I'll call it the "NO MANDA OR RAYMIE CLUB". I'll have milk and cookies and Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments! Yeah, it'll be cool!



Anyway, after spending about half an hour on the phone listening to random farting and insane laughter and teasing at my expense, Manda finally got tired and hung up, leaving me slightly more confused than usual.

The quest begins...

weapons of choice



Years ago I experienced a condom like so other. It was super thin, but strong. Unlike regular condoms, it didn't feel like I was wearing a freakin' balloon. In fact, it didn't feel like I was wearing anything at all! I had to constantly check and make sure it was still there! Unfortunately my girlfriend at the time only bought a 3 pack (part of gag b-day present) of this mystery condom and they were soon gone.



I had recently called her and asked her what brand it was. Well at first she was a little surprised since we hadn't talked in 2 years and she was living in another state, but I was calling long distance and I didn't have time to chit chat. She said she had forgotten, but she picked them up in Charlseton in some porn shop. Well, that sure as hell wasn't any help and I hung up on her while she said something about being in town soon and seeing each other again or something blah, blah, blah who cares.



I've searched everywhere for that damn condom: grocery stores, porn stores, walgreens, back alleys, hookers, whatever, but no luck. I was about to give up hope until i discovered a nifty site that offered a sampler pack of the world's top rated thin condoms! Cool! One of them has to to be my Holy Grail of Contraceptives! This is going to require a lot of testing and sleepless nights, but it's something I'm prepared to do. Any ladies with some helpful hints or who want to help are always welcomed. Wish me luck!