Wednesday, October 6, 2004

Random movie review



yeah, but does he love him?



I saw Bloodsport earlier tonight since I couldn't go to sleep, and it was okay till the flashback to childhood sequence. Dude was retarded or something as a kid. He spoke and moved like Corky from Life Goes On.



Some kids break into the Tanaka home, and start looking at the sword, and are about to steal it. They hear a noise, drop the sword and its sheath and haul ass. Well, all but Frank. Idiot-boy slowly stumbles over, picks up the plain, unlaquered sheath and stares at it with a sleepy look on his face, like a retard with a shiny new penny. Fuck the sword, he wanted the sheath. Then Shingo gets shoved onscreen by papa Tanaka, and nails the slow witted dolt in the stomach with a roundhouse kick...which I don't think he faked a reaction to. Hey, the kid's obviously not that smart. You can smack him ALL around while making the movie, and he'll be glad to be getting his 2$ cut of the gross income a year later.



Mr. Tanaka helps him up, and slices the brim from his baseball cap with the sword for shits and giggles. Young Frank, being a retard, can only stand there with a sleepy, vacant, mouth half-open look on his face. "You did not flinch...you have the spirit of a warrior!", Mr. Tanaka says afterwards. Apparently, retards are so uncommon in Japan that Tanaka-sensei couldn't tell when he was in the presence of one. Either that or he had a little too much sake. So I guess the cure for mental retardation is taking 15 years of karate in some obscure japanese dojo because eventually this pudgy little retarded kid grows up into the buff, pretty boy, Van Damme. Who knew he was retarded? I just thought he was Belgian.



Overall it's a Classic Van Damme b-movie full of terrible actors they unloaded from a truck, corny dialogue, horrible 80s music and Van Damme's accent. The fight scenes were pretty cool, I wish they showed more of them. This is assuming that you make it past the flashback scene. That alone will have you laughing all throughout the rest of the movie.



No comments:

Post a Comment