Funny joke.

Friend of mine emailed me this joke which I thought was hilarious.
It may or may not be old, but I don't care!


A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."

Thanks a lot, Doc.

Okay, I was watching the Discovery Health channel (aka: the freak channel) and there was this story about some little kid who got ran over by some douchebag and he had actually suffered an internal decapitation! Basically his skull had seperated from his spinal cord, but his head remained attached!
The fucked up thing is that this kid was still alive!

So the docs decided they were going to try to save the kid's life and stick his head back on him. They succeed, but then they were afraid he would be paralyzed from the neck down. Well to everyone's amazement the kid had regained his ability to walk and pulled through. It's a miracle!!!

Or is it?

True the kid was walking, but he is still fucked up looking. I guess "walking" is a poor choice of words here... more like wobbling. Plus one of his arms are completely useless and just dangled from side to side like a dead fish, plus he has this contraption on his neck that I assume helps him breathe as well as keep is head on.

That brings up a question on how far a doc should go to save someone's life. So they saved some random guy's life, but he can never walk, talk, breathe on his own, etc for the rest of his life. His life will be full of constant pain and misery.
Would the doctors still consider this a success?

Personally if I were the patient I wouldn't be so freaking grateful to them for saving my life. "Gee thank you, doctor for condeming me to a living death!"
Normally, I'd kick their asses, but since I would probably be paralyzed or otherwise too messed up to carry out the threat, i would give them a REALLY mean look... if I had control of my facial muscles that is.

You think Christopher Reeve was thankful when he woke up as a living corpse? I don't think so.

Nope, I would rather take a dirt nap than to go on living like that.
Save your "miracles" for someone else, doc.

Bad idea

I'm starting to think that it was a mistake telling my friend's mother that I always found her quite boinkable while growing up.
It wasn't like I was putting the moves on her, and I didn't say that I still found her bangable since she's clearly hit the wall since then, but despite her initial surprise, she did begin to laugh about it.
I'm sure it took her mind off her recently departed husband for awhile.

He was a douchebag anyway.

Words of wisdom.

"Get a job you love and you'll never work a day of your life."

I always thought that was unwashed hippie bullshit until I got into a new line of work. The hours are sometimes brutal and it's very demanding, but I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.
I plan on doing this for a long time to come. God help anyone who gets in my way.

How to solve America's obesity and fuel crisis

Easy...burn down all morbidly obese lard asses as an alternative fuel source.
Case solved, I'll take my Nobel Peace Prize now thank you very much...
then again screw the Peace Prize and just gimme the million dollars that comes with it.

Children are assholes

That's right, assholes. These little crumb snactchers are rude, loud, obnoxious, disgusting, beligerant, hyper little nutcases who don't give a fuck about anyone.

Normally this would be considered very asshole-like behavior, but since they're kids, they can get away with it! How unfair is that??
If I went around yelling and screaming and breaking people's things, I would be considered "disturbed" or a "menace", but when cute little 6 year old Susie Douchebag does the same damn thing, she gets away with it! In fact these little monsters are encouraged when adults constantly give them a free pass for their destructive behavior:
"You just shattered my priceless Ming Dynasty vase and pissed all over my Mercedes. Now go to your room with all your toys, internet and cable tv and think about what you've done, later on we'll get some ice cream!"

Puh-leeeze... do I get rewarded for pissing and shitting all over people's stuff? I wish! It's really too bad because I can think of a dozen people who need to be pissed and shit on.

Anyway, kids are assholes and I'm called an asshole for calling them assholes. Like it's some bid deal taboo to call a kid that. Give me a break! I don't care how good a parent someone may be, you KNOW that when they are awakened at 4am by their screaming little baby and they stand there half awake, changing the kicking little hellion's shit filled diaper to which the little bastard thanks them with a face full of piss or a random vomit projectile, you KNOW at some point and time the "proud" parent looks at the little shit factory and thinks "GOD, what an asshole". It doesn't make them a bad parent, it makes them human.

Of course they're "forbidden" to say this aloud so it's a good thing there's people like ME to speak for them!


Kids are assholes alright, you know it, I know it even they know it, but they don't care because they're assholes!

bleh

Sleep deprived confession

Sometimes when I need to think about something, I go to the hospital. There's something relaxing about sitting in a waiting room surrounded by ailing people and outdated magazines. I stopped trying to figure out why a long time ago, the point is, that it just relaxes me.

I also go to a funeral home or mausoleum. The latter is the better bet since I get weird reactions from the funeral home people when I tell them I'm just looking around.

Oh yeah, I've been having a reoccuring dream of unicorns eating kids.

Funny day at da gym

So I'm working out in the gym doing my thing when some guy walks up to me and says that he's noticed the intensity of my particular workouts and he wondered if he could join in.
Well this took me off guard a little since no one has ever approached me about this, but once I realized I wasn't in danger of some brokeback drama I agreed.
He said it shouldn't be a problem for him since he's in the marines and went to Iraq and blah blah blah. I responded by saying that I wouldn't hold back on him then.

The first few minutes he was holding his own, but when we got to the 3rd and 4th circuits he was starting to hurt until eventually he could barely catch his breath and he made a beeline to the bathroom where he proceded puke up his left lung.

Normally I would feel kind of bad for the guy, but I didn't. In fact I felt pretty damn good. It filled my heart with great joy to shut his cocky mouth up.

Marines.... BAH! I don't care what armed forces you are in if you sit on your ass filling up on jelly doughnuts and beer, guess what, you're gonna be just as out of shape as the rest of us civilians, but noooooo, all throughout the workout, this dude kept reminding him that he was in the Marines and Iraq and what the hell ever.
Funny thing about it is that I wasn't even at 100 percent, being as sleep deprived as I was.
I know plenty of guys in the military who are in incredible shape because they maintain, but this joker was a doughboy, plain and simple.

Let that be a lesson to all of you... you come into my house talking shit and thinking you're god's gift to fitness, I'll shut you down, mess you up and reduce you into a pathetic shell of a human being, crying for your mama and making love to the porcelin god of defeat.

Semper Fi.