Scooby fucking Doo

Well I heard the creator of Scooby Doo recently died. I also found out that he was japanese (who knew?)

So in honor of Mr. Iwao Takamoto I thought I bash his legacy simply because I can.


I realized long ago that whenever I watched Scooby Doo as a kid, I'd just sit there and wait for something funny/entertaining to happen.


It never fucking happened.

Ever.

There was a fucking laugh track and EVERYTHING. BUT NOTHING FUNNY EVER HAPPENED ON THAT SHOW. As a kid it was just sorta uninteresting. As an adult, the show is literally unwatchable.

Here's the Scooby Doo breakdown:

Scooby is a coward who eats sandwiches, and later Scooby Snacks.

Shaggy is just sort of dishevled and out of it. I don't know what his deal was, really. Obviously based after some stoner hippie, so all he really did was act high and eat big sandwiches. He was also a coward.

Freddy was the rich white boy who nobody liked, sorta like Freddie Prinze Jr. who plays him in the movies.

Daphne was rich and pretty; so, much like in real life, she didn't do fucking ANYTHING, and nobody really pointed this fact out. She was just there because they needed a pretty girl on the show.

Velma, considering the above, was dissed by Daphne's very existence, and she does all the work. But, much like in real life, nobody likes her because Daphne jacks all of her attention. She always wore a sweater, regardless of where they were. And she wore glasses- that means she's SMART.

They traveled around in a fucked up old van called...get ready, this will blow your mind...The Mystery Machine. OH SHIT! Because they solved MYSTERIES, get it? Yeah. Genius.

There would be some crazy shit going on, but instead of having actual detectives check things out, they let the stoner and his dog (lazy cowardly dog who does nothing but eat and speak unintelligibly. Funny how that works out), along with the pretty girl who serves no purpose and The Girl who could be a Lesbian But Nobody Really Wants To Ask.

Of course, everyone, including the police if they actually showed up, figured the problem was ghosts or something. I mean, that's the natural conclusion to jump to...A bunch of money is missing from the bank? Oh, must be ghosts! Point me in the direction of that dumb ass town so I can rob them blind!

So they do nothing for 20 minutes (the laugh track goes off at random intervals at shit that wasn't even funny), and then Velma figures out it's not a fucking ghost or an alien, but the infinitely-more-likely "guy wearing a mask." No shit?

Then the guy in the mask says "...and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you darned kids!!"

This was every episode of the series. And there were like seventy-nine thousand of them!


It would be so fucking sweet to see Velma just go the fuck OFF on the rest of the crew for like 10 minutes straight. And then end that shit with "I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS, JINKIES GOD DAMN FUCK!!!"

There was an early 90s cartoon called A Pup Named Scooby Doo, which was actually pretty good because it didn't take itself too seriously and it constantly mocked the stupidity of the original show.

Such a terrible show. I would literally rather watch an old man jack off while Creed played in the background for 30 minutes than watch old Scooby Doo episodes. Terrible. Fucking terrible.

Don't get me started about Scrappy.

Oh yeah, RIP, Iwao Takamoto