Finally, thanks to a friend of mine, I've finally been able to update my damn blog! I'll start off by posting my review of last week's episode of THE JACK BAUER POWER HOUR otherwise known as "24". WARNING. Unless you watch the show and are familiar with video game terms and the occassional Leet speak, you may find this a bit esoteric.
Holy shit! This is probably the world's latest POWER HOUR recap, but I've been rushed down with work and the whole holiday bullshit, but I just HAD to throw in my 2 cents for this episode!
GOOD FRAGGIN' LAWD!! Just when you have the audacity to think you figured out everything that's going to happen in 24, BOOOOM!! your shit gets ruined!!
We open up with KIM BAUER in a very familiar situation: in trouble, tied up and at gun point due to a series of totally improbable circumstances. GUILE the mole tells her not to cause any trouble and activates his ANTI-COUGAR SHIELDS before he leaves..... just in case.
THE BRIDE has learned that TONY has recovered and wants to be at his side when he wakes up and is planning on giving control of CTU to GUILE??! Meanwhile, the DELL INTERN questions GUILE on where that pretty little retard is and GUILE side steps and plays dumb. DELL INTERN, recognizing this pattern, calls GUILE'S office where a desperate tied up KIM hops desperately towards the phone, but of course doesn't make it before DI hangs up. So DELL INTERN tries to enter GUILE'S office, but the ANTI-COUGAR PROTOCALS won't let him in so he calls THE BRIDE to shut down the shields who happens to be talking to GUILE. GUILE, sensing the jig is up and not wanting to be COUGARED, pulls a STRIDER teleport and tries to wavedash the fuck outta there! He uses JAME T. KIRK'S DOUBLE CHOP to take out one guard and a BURN KNUCKLE on a second during his escape attempt, but gets in a corner trap by the remaining guards. Then THE BRIDE comes striding out between the guards like fraggin' VADER in the beginning of star wars and stares down GUILE, who's has her at gunpoint and then the KILL BILL VENGENCE MUSIC plays! Afterwards, GUILE nearly shits himself and realizes he's no match for THE BRIDE and gives up before she busted out her HANZO BLADE.
Meanwhile, thousands of feet in the air on the SALAZAAR PARTY JET where SCARFACE is pimpin' and chillin' like MR. BIG surrounded by SOUTHTOWN'S finest hoes with his arch nemesis locked up in the closet. Things couldn't get any better right? WRONG! Even while in the middle of a ho sandwich, he can't stop thinking about the the most dangerous fuckin' man in the known universe whose rage has been known to destroy entire worlds is locked up in his closet. He tries to put the PSYCHO ONE out of his misery, but surprisingly his goons show some balls and stop him. Hell, they ain't stupid. There's no way they're going to let SCARFACE unleash the beast and get them all slaughtered. Hell, you know these guys have seen SMACK JACK in action and they don't wanna fuck with ANY of that! Oh yeah, the award for the world's shittiest job has to go to that lone scumbag who has to watch over a slowly raging PSYCHO ONE. Man, this guy must have been a total newbie or drew the short straw to be chosen for guard duty. Guarding JACK BAUER in a closet all by yourself=death sentence. Shit, I'd be sweating like a whore in church and make sure that I told my family I loved them very much! Well Jack wakes up and gives the scumbag one last chance to let him go and when that didn't work, jack powers up his SPEEDBALL RAGE METER and executes a modified LEG SCISSORS BAUER KARANA NECK SNAP TAKEDOWN!!
Meanwhile, SCARFACE, powered by liquid courage, finally getst the balls to rush into the lion's den to cap the PSYCHO ONE (yeah right), but prompty gets his shit ruined with a quick PARRY REVERSAL ALPHA COUNTER and SCARFACE, one of the most dangerous drug lords in the world has instantly become BAUER'S BITCH once again!
Good lord, there was so much rage eminating from SMACK JACK that the plan momentarily lost power from the POWER PSYCHO! Hell, the guards actually FLINCHED with JACK'S every word! SCARFACE tries to talk some shit, but JACK stands strong and tells him to STFU.
In the political arena, MONTEL and TRIPLE P are discussing the transpiring events and MONTEL tells TP that he didn't have a choice in selling out the finest man he's ever known and tells him to focus on salvaging his disasterous presidential debate. MARTHA STEWART is waiting for TP as he gets out of the limo and tells him that maybe he should've paid off her ex. WHAT??!! Now she tells him this after busting his balls about not lowering himself by giving in??!! If anyone deserved a bitch slap, it was this woman. BUT, TRIPLE P, being the icon of integrity he is (and probably a little distracted by pussy), tells her that she was right the first time and blah blah as brother MONTEL looks on in disgust. Later, while they were alone, MONTEL unleashes a rather impressive combo against his bro and tells him he has to respect the American people and distance himself from MARTHA. TP is actually rendered speechless by this assault because he knew his brother was right. But he still doesn't have to like it.
Outside, MARTHA gets a call from her ex, who looks like 'OL GILL from the Simpsons and tells her he has evidence to prove her innocence and tells her to come pick it up alone or it all burns. Well, MARTHA in her infinite wisdom decides to go. Geez, it's like a middle aged version of KIM BAUER.
Meanwhile, DEADMAN in his FORD TOUGH F-150 arrives at one of his old snitch's house and rushes him down at gunpoint in front of his wife and kids. He tells him to track down any known hideouts of the SALAZAARS and discovers where HECTOR'S HQ is.
Chase then phones KIM for an update. KIM is in the bathroom washing up and we get a prolonged shot of the lovely OROCHI BAUER CLEAVAGE! Before she can strip down and shower CTU'S EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH ruins the mood and tells her that she doesn't think that her dad is an psychotic, unstable junkie fugitive from justice like everyone else does and leaves, not noticing the low growling of a large cat in the next stall. KIM gives DEADMAN the 411 and DM makes her promise not to tell anyone about their conversation and hangs up.
Meanwhile, AGENT SMITH, after giving THE BRIDE permission to visit her hubby begins the interrogation of GUILE: "Missteeer GUILE. I want you to tell me what I need to know so I can leave this place. You will tell me. It...is... inevitable..." Then he tells the other agent to prepare the cyber worm. Suddenly GUILE'S phone rings and SMITH orders for a trace. DELL INTERN and KIM come rushing in and we finally get to see her RUN, BUT, that fuckin' lap top she's holding blocks us from seeing her MAI SHIRANUI INDEPENDENT DUEL SUSPENSION in action.
HECTOR'S on the other line and GUILE is ordered to keep him on as long as he can or face the worm, but they fail to trace the call.
Now we rejoin TELE MUNDO already in progress: LADY SALAZAAR is bitching to HECTOR on why there is a small army outside his house and why does he need so many men to pick up his bro. HECTOR says that he's worried about not being able to contact the jet, but the real reason was because he knew JACK BAUER was gonna be on that plan and nothing short of an army was going to slow him down...... if they're reeeeeeeal lucky.
The army surrounds the jet and after a few hectic seconds all the occupants come scurring out like frightened rabbits and THE PSYCHO comes out with a rather worried SCARFACE in tow. Just when you think JACK is about to unleash an unblockable LEVEL 5 ULTRA COMO and leave every scumbag there a bullet riddled mass of meat, he let's SCARFACE GO??!! To the surprise of everyone, HECTOR embraces JACK and smiles and tells them they have a lot of work to do. SCARFACE is pissed, but HECTOR tells him to chill and he'll explain everything to him later. Meanwhile SMACK JACK pushes a button on his watch and follows.
Meanwhile, TONY makes a heroic return to CTU despite getting SHOT IN THE NECK and makes a beeline to the interrogation room and stops AGENT SMITH from inserting the cyber worm into GUILE. Just then GUILE'S notepad starts beeping and GUILE simply says: "he's in." TONY tells everyone that GUILE works for him and this is all a plan to get THE PSYCHO ONE back inside the SALAZAAR camp! AGENT SMITH promptly goes nuts.
Holy bejeezus!! JACK is a TRIPLE AGENT and he's played everyone from the start!! But then there's DEADMAN still on his trail just waiting to mess things up again! My god, I don't know if CHASE was this clueless from the beginning or his relationship with KIM is starting to affect him, but it looks like we're going to be seeing the WACKY MISADVENTURS OF CHASE in the near future..... until he gets COUGARED of course.
*bleep*KA-CHUNG!*bleep*KA-CHUNG!*bleep*KA-CHUNG!
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