A few of you keep bugging the hell outta me about the issue with my friend, aka: "Evil Seattle Bitch". Well I've decided to drop her from my life altogether. My intentions to help her were honest enough because she reminded me of myself and how I used to be, which is the ONLY reason I didn't ditch her a LONG time ago, but then I realized that I was starting to fall into a codependent relationship with her by tolerating all her bullshit and that's not for me. I'm glad she's finally getting help for her issues and I really hope everything works out for her, but my days of holding her hand are over. I'm not going to put my life on hold or sacrifice my own well being to see if she gets better or not. This wasn't an easy decision, but it's the right one for me. She's someone else's problem now.
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Good for you! I'm glad you were able to see the situation for what it was and got out of there. Then again, I've been reading your blog for months now and you've obviously had dealings with codependency before, particularly with your ex girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteYou may already know this, but she is a classic example of a codependent, I should know, I used to be one myself. I was obsessed with "fixing" other people's problems Also, I hate to tell you, but as soon as she realized that you were "normal" the relationship was over and she was already planning on getting out of it probably MONTHS before you actually broke up. To a codependent there is nothing more repulsive than a person who doesn't have any problems to fix or control. You should take that as a compliment, btw. lol!
If codependents don't have anyone to fix they feel like they're worthless and their life has no meaning. I found that self worth when I helped people with their issues (Nurse for 8 years), but ignored my own. I did the same with my husband at the time who had some major issues, but despite all his abuse, I felt happy because I always had a constant "challenge" in trying to control his emotional and addiction problems. In reality, I was anything but happy.
I doubt your ex is happy in the relationship she's in now. She may tell you she is, in fact she's probably convinced herself that she loves this guy, but she's only infatuated with fixing what's wrong with him and that's not true happiness and it isn't love. These are things she will never know until she takes care of the most important thing--herself. If not, she's headed down a road to self destruction.
There's nothing you can do to help until she helps herself, otherwise you'll end up in the codependency trap yourself. I'm relieved that you were able to analyze the situation and conclude that you two just weren't compatible as a couple.
The most you can do for your ex is accept her for who she is and be there as her friend. Maybe one day she'll find the courage to get out of the codependency trap she's in before it's too late.
Oh I could go on forever about codependency, but you're obviously a very perceptive man and probably already know all this lol!
Once I saw the "C" word, I had to write something! =)
-H
HAHAHA! I love it! Once again someone brings up your ex! Poor Vinnie! Will you ever know peace?? Codependence, huh? That would explain a lot!
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, you did the right thing with the Seatle chick.
-CR
You know I've always wondered why perfectly normal and smart women would always hang around their abusive loser boyfriends or husbands. Now I know the answer.
ReplyDeleteMy old girlfriend left me to be with a fucking drug addict! Guess I was just too stable and successful for her taste.
I still think she's a bitch.
*laugh*
ReplyDeleteOMG! Did any of that first comment sound familiar? Geez, I could have written it.
And, btw, you entering into a CD relationship (with you as the CD)?? I don't see it. There is a difference between CD and sticking by your friends no matter what.
I'm not saying I disagree with your decision. Frankly, I don't know enough about it to have an opinion.
Don't panic with your newfound knowledge!!!
H:
ReplyDeleteWow. It really is amazing how well you've nailed the situation and how accurate your guesses are. I don't know what else to say.
CR:
NO SHIT! What the hell?!
J:
Yeah, it's scary how you and H pretty much described the actions and motivations of the ex without even knowing her. But what do I expect from two former CDs? Very enlightening.
As for Seattle chick, I think you're right even though I've gone out of my way for some friends and even displayed some CD signs I haven't ever crossed that line into full blown codependence.
Lol! Well, as much as I'd like to say that I'm psychic, the truth is, most codependents follow the same patterns and share the same symptoms (too numerous to list). When I started researching codependence, I was shocked at what I read. It was like a play by play manual of my life!
ReplyDeleteIt became even more apparent when I attended meetings with people just like me. Once again, it was like listening to a rerun of my entire life! That's when I realized I wasn't alone. Of course they're varying degrees of codependence, but it all leads unhappiness and emptiness.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A HAPPY CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP. Once I finally got that in my head, I was finally able to take the steps to leave my abusive relationship with my husband. I thank god that we didn't have any children to subject that kind of life to.
To prove my point about codependents following the same pattern, I'll make another "psychic guess". I'm willing to bet your ex works in a field where she helps people: Nursing, social work, counseling, volunteer work, etc. This is a very common trait among codependents.
Aggh! There I go again! Time to shut up now! =)
btw, I never meant to suggest that you were actually becoming a codependent yourself. You're not even close! Sorry if that came out wrong. You sound like a terrific friend to have around. Your ex is lucky to have you in her life!
-H
Good job with dumping the Seattle bitch from your life. You don't need that kind of stress.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where you got this codependent crap from. If you were codependent, you would've latched onto this girl even more instead of dropping her ass. Come on, now! You're way better than that!
*Ray*
H:
ReplyDeleteHoly crap! Funny you should mention psychic phenomenon. I had a dream that fortold the demise of the relationship early on. I had the dream when I THOUGHT we were happy together and before the CD signs manifested.
Now I see that she was never happy with me in the first place. I used to think that a certain something I said to her caused the relationship to end, but now I'm beginning to see that it was destined to fall apart regardless, given her condition.
Anyway, that makes my "vision" all the more amazing!
Man, I've gotta start paying more attention to my dreams.
Despite everything, I still consider her a friend. She's a good kid.
Ray:
Heh... hey, sorry! I don't know what I was thinking! I haven't been able to put down this book about codependence ever since I bought it!
LoL! Very freaky, Mr. psychic!
ReplyDeleteIt's a hard fact to accept, but you're right about your ex not being happy with you. That doesn't mean that she didn't like you. In fact she probably liked you a great deal, but you just couldn't give her what she needed to be "happy" with you. Yep! You're just too damn normal! =)
I dated plenty of "normal" men and they were they were the nicest guys in the world (how many times have you heard that?) and I cared for them a lot, but they just didn't have anything for me to "work on". As crazy as it may sound I felt like I was settling for something less. Despite this, I hung around longer than I should have because I did not want to hurt them, thus hurting myself by telling them the truth (another codependent trait). Meanwhile, I was bored, unfufilled and miserable.
It's very much like an addiction. Codependents NEED that "project" to work on, or else they start to feel like they're worthless. That's how the mind of a codependent works...always trying to find happiness through someone else which is an exercise in futility.
I'm glad to see that you're still her friend and you're trying to understand her better by reading into codependency. Most people don't even bother to try to understand and dismiss them as "crazy" or "messed up" or worse.
I said it before and I'll say it again. She's really lucky to have someone like you as a friend.
-H
GOD!! Can we give the Doctor Phil touchy feely ex girfriend drama a REST!!!?
ReplyDeleteHow many times do we have to read about this chick??!! She's got issues!! We get it now! Move on!!
Good fucking Lord!!
Btw, vinnie, did you ever get my xmas gift! Call me!
-Jess
HAHAHAHA! Somebody had to say it! I thought it would be me! 0_o
ReplyDeleteBut for real, "H", you're about 20 years too late on this! Stop freaking Vincent out! He's very impressionable.
Hmmm. I always wondered why Marge always stuck with Homer! OMG! She's a codependent!!!
ReplyDeleteBut why stop there? I bet Jesus was a codependent too!!! It all makes sense!!! Who else but a codependent would die for the sins of man??? OMG!!!
these dime store shrinks really bug the hell out of me.
-Jess
Yeah yeah. Real funny there, Jess. ANYWAY, Don't be so hard on H. She did bring up some good points and I learned something new, so it evens out AND my theory about my dream has been recently confirmed!
ReplyDeleteAnd you dared doubt my psychic powers of awesomeness!
whoa! back up! Forgive me for bringing up the ex gf drama again, but are you saying she was NEVER happy with you? That kind of sucks! When and how did you find this out?
ReplyDelete*Dodges Jess's insults* :)
*Ray*
Which sucks more? Facing the truth or living a lie? The truth is she was never truly happy with me. She had always belonged to her then ex, thus the relationship was over before it began.
ReplyDeleteI pieced it all together when I started thinking rationally and analyzed the situation. She also has **finally** admitted to it which I appreciate. Ironically, it was my prescence that prompted her bf to eventually do and say the things to win her back which is what she really wanted in the first place. So in a way I brought them back together.
Quite an "honor", I know, but the important thing is that I finally know the truth and my theory about the whole "relationship" was proven correct.
Shut up, Jess!!
Oh I get it now. Let me guess:
ReplyDelete- Loser boy sees you in the picture and gets threatened.
- Loser boy suddenly becomes Mr. Romantic and feeds her the painfully predictable "I love you, I can change" bull shit line. *gag*.
- She falls for it, takes him back and you're screwed.
It's sad to see that people are still gullible enough to buy into that crap.
Considering how fast she took Loser boy back, I agree that she was never happy with you and she never got over him. I'm assuming that she didn't use you to make Loser boy jealous or else you wouldn't be friends with her.
It sucks you had to be the patsy in this little love triangle, but considering the type of guy(s) she's attracted to, you're much better off.
*Ray*
*sigh*
ReplyDeleteDoesn't anyone have anything else to take up their lives besides someone eles's long ago ex?
She's a good person, and, like everyone, has her own issues.
Can't we at least go back to talking about porn???
Or bad sex???
There are other topics, people.
Give Vincent (and others) a rest.
Ray:
ReplyDeleteYup. That about covers it.
My sister summed it up perfectly after meeting the ex for the first time: "She's a nice girl, but she's not the one for you."
J:
I agree with you!
THE END.