AVP (Alien versus Predator) Review. SPOILERS.

Going into this movie, I knew that it was a production from that god awful director, Paul Anderson. The same guy who brought us gems like Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat 2 to name a couple. When I first heard this, my heart sank and my expectations became somewhat lowered, but I've waited over 10 years to see this comic based story on the big screen so might as well commit to it. Besides, I managed to get a free ticket anyway.

Okay, first thing I noticed and didn't like about the movie is that it is set in 2004. What the fuck??? It turns out that the aliens have been on earth the entire time?? One of the cool things about the alien movies is imagining the horror if they ever made it to Earth. But no need to worry, THEY'VE BEEN HERE THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME.

Sheesh. Apparently the preds have been using earth as their hunting ground for centuries now and they even taught the ancient civilizations to build pyramids or some ridiculous shit like that. Just an example of Anderson bastardization both franchises.

Anyway, this group of humans is sent down to investigate some goofy pyramid that's in the middle of Antartica which happens to be where the preds keep the aliens. Get a good look at them because between the preds and the aliens they die off REALLY fuckin' quick. I'll give a cookie to anyone who can remember any of their names.



When the preds and aliens start fighting, I couldn't help notice how quickly two of the preds get taken out. WHAT THE FUCK! In the comic, one pred is more than a match for at least three aliens. These two get owned by one. CRAP!!



Anyhoo, the last pred is a bad mofo and he kicks a lot of ass, so I guess it evens out.



Anyhoo, a few more humans get killed off and/or become hosts for the alien offspring and next thing you know, the queen is set free and she starts rampaging like a damn T-Rex for no good reason. Seriously....it's like they cut 1/4 of the movie out. What the hell? Just another example of Anderson's shitty cut corners handiwork.



The last pred and human decide to team up for no apparent reason and the pred decides "Fuck it." and activates his self destruct thingee and tosses it into the pyramid and they both haul ass outta there and outrun the obligatory fireball explosion thing.



Well the pred and chick form a bond as he marks her with the "mark of the warrior" and just when it looks like they're about to kiss, KABOOM! It's the T-Rex!! I mean, it's the queen alien in all her computer generated glory! How she managed to survive a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION and being buried under millions of tons of rock is not important. The important thing is she's pissed and ready to rampage around for no good reason! Damn you, Anderson!



yawn... I mean, ANYway, the pred and chick start duking it out with queenie and the alien gets the upper hand on the pred and goes after the girl who must've been a track star or something because she manages to outrun a 30 foot monster that looks it was running at 50 mph! Just when you thought it was curtains for the girl, the pred jumps in for the save and for his trouble he gets a tail through the gut!

The girlie somehow manages to tie the queen to some big metal thing and toss her over a cliff into the frozen sea.



The chick goes to the pred just in time to see him croak, but it ain't over yet. A great big 'ol pred ship swoops down the the head pred sees "the mark of the warrior" on her face and gives her his great big 'ol bad ass spear thingee for no good reason and the take off, leaving the chick by herself in the middle of Antartica. Nice.



OOOOOh! But it's not over yet! Later on the pred ship, we see the body of the dead pred left alone for no apparent reason and BOO! A chestbuster pops right outta him! THE END! What the fuck?!!



Paul Anderson can suck my dick! He took a brilliant movie and comic book franchise and pissed all over it. He's killed the 12+ year dream of millions of geeks like myself in 87 minutes. Yes, 87 minutes. What the fuck is that? Couldn't even devote a full 90 minutes for this movie??

Granted, it wasn't the worst movie I've seen, but it certainly wasn't the best. I mean, it started getting actually good near the middle until it seemed Anderson ran out of ideas so he decided to blow everything up and jump right into the final battle scene.

There was ZERO character development. Granted, I'm not there to see a bunch of humans runnin' around, but if you're not even going to bother developing their characters before killing them, why even bother having them there at all?



The Cg, costumes and effects were well done, but wasted on such a weak script.



Sigh, the only thing that kept me from despising this movie is me reminding myself that this was a Paul Anderson movie and it was bound to be mediocre at best. It was a little better than mediocre, but hardly a sci-fi classic.... it could've been if a REAL director had been at the helm *COUGH* CAMERON! *COUGH*, but oh well....



Anderson, you can go directly to HELL! You British, limey piece of crumpet eating shit! Stick to making shitty Resident Evil movies you talentless fuck! Consider yourself Gypsy cursed!