Alexander movie review *SPOILERS* sorta...

few men can resist his charm



I saw Alexander last night... Oliver Stone took a war epic and made it gay softcore porn. The one ROSARIO DAWSON (my future wife) sex scene showcasing her enormous fun bags was ruined with colin in all his horrible accent, ugly ass mullet glory, hugging, kissing, molesting and exchanging meaningful glances with Jared Leto and an obscenely pretty slave boy in every other scene.

mmmm....Rosario......soon you'll be mine.....



And the accents in this movie were fucking HORRIBLE. Colin sounds like he should be knocking out kangaroos with a boomerang (g'day), Angelina sounds like Count Dracula's wife (blah!), and half of the fucking army sound like they all JUST walked off the Braveheart set and wandered into the wrong movie.



Colin Ferrel looks terrible with a mullet, I kept thinking that he was wearing a wife beater under that girly toga of his. Y'know, Forget the mullet, the entire BLONDE hair was just fucked up. Oh yeah, and the shot of Colin's jiggling hairy balls was something I didn't need to see.



Man, I'm secure enough in my manly heterosexuality to admit when a guy is good looking or not, but I've never seen the appeal of Colin Farrel. I see him as some sort of like the missing link...with his overtly large brow/forehead hooded over his eyes, and cro magnon-esque eyebrows. Scientists should capture him, tag him and release him in the wild to study the habits of this evolutionary throwback.



Also, the movie is too damn long. Being a long movie isn't necessarily bad, but this movie is slow, and excruciating to sit through.



I wouldn't go as far as saying it sucks, it's below average. No I changed my mind-- this movie REALLY sucked donkey balls! It wasn't handled professionally. There are only two action scenes in the movie and they were both edited badly.... very badly.

Oh did I mention all the blatant MAN SEX? Seriously, I don't wanna sit through 3 hours of dudes making out and scantily clad trannies prancing all over the place! Felt like I was in the middle of an episode of "Queer As Folk." Ack!







Overall this movie is just a butt-numbingly torturous, agonizingly bad, socially awkward, incredibly disappointing 3 hour long exercise of PAIN. This movie should be used as an instrument of torture. If captured Al Queda members were forced to watch this movie, Osama Bin Landen would be a anal receptical in our prisons, this "war" on terror would be over within a few months and our boys would be back home.

Stay away from this shitbag of a movie.