Anyway, now I'm intrigued with the Battered women Syndrome. Actually I've had an interest in this for years now. Probably started when a friend of mine in 10th grade was being abused by her senior boyfriend. One of the strongest girls, smartest girls I knew was reduced to a quivering, fearful, scared little girl, yet he never laid a hand on her. Up until that point I always thought that abused women was solely a physical thing. I know better now and I've been intrigued ever since and my current situation with the "ex" has rekindled that interest.
The Psychological stages of abuse are:
DENIAL- basically the woman doesn't want to admit she's in a messed up relationship and calls each instance of abuse as an "accident".
GUILT- finally realizes she's in a messed up relationship, but thinks she deserves the abuse.
ENLIGHTENMENT- realizes she's does not deserve the abuse, but sticks around to "make things work" (oh brother).
RESPONSIBILITY- realizes that he's never going to change and actually leaves him to find someone new.
However, that's where the "Honeymoon" stage comes in. Where the guy basically sweet talks her into taking him back and this inevitably leads to the "tension" and "incident" phases, basically starting the whole cycle over again.
Now this is nothing "official" or anything, but this is what I'VE seen. I've only witnessed a few instances of physical abuse, but I have seen a lot of situations of psychological abuse. Usually the women have had a string of similar abusive relationships or grew up in that type of enviroment so in their minds, this is actually a normal relationship.
Sometimes they know the guy is no good for them, but for some reason they delude themselves into staying with them. Now I've seen highly intelligent strong willed women do this time and time again and it just boggles my mind. Poor self-image? Who knows. In some cases the girl actually convinces herself that she's in control by "punishing" the abuser, but in the end, she always succumbs to the man's "sweet talk" (Honeymoon) and she goes right back to him. Who's in control?
Trying to talk sense into them is useless, especially when they don't want to listen and sometimes they even snap at the person trying to help them. Personally my patience is too limited for that. I'm not an expert by any means. I'm just telling you what I've experienced as articulately as I can.
This is the first time that where I've been personally involved with a person going through this (I usually try to limit personal ties) and I can't help but find it very.... fascinating. Weird, I know, but I'm curious to see how this plays out.
Since I do care about this particular person, I hope things work out for her. I really do. But I have yet to see that happen.
Anyone else with personal or professional experience in this matter is more than welcomed to give their two cents.
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I can only speak for myself.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't ever in denial stage, I KNEW it was a fucked up relationship-- but stayed.
I didn't think it would work out, but stayed because I didn't have any other place to go.
And financial reasons.
I had a final straw, and left. No Honeymoon stage.
Maybe it was different for me because I didn't make a pattern out of it. It was just one relationship.
But, I too, have seen the stages you said in your blog. It is a very sad thing. And I'm always glad to see a woman get over her syndrome.
Good to hear it. It's always good to see someone strong enough not to fall into the cycle.
ReplyDeleteIt's much harder to catch on to what is happening when it isn't physical. The mental manipulation can be just as damaging as the physical abuse, and it's a long process to heal - if you ever do.
ReplyDelete-Mel
The mystery...I couldnt give you an answer why women stay in a relationship when there is beating...so I will tell you why I did...first time..it was because I had no where to go..do you believe it? Oh well mabye you should check out those "shelters" for women, ya they pretty much suck..not to mention the fact that you have curfew..try getting a job..or make money with a curfew..Talk about demeaning..you have a guy who is emotionally abusive..or physically abusive..and you end up having no friends..no finances..nothing..repeatly told you are not good enough or worse..and yeah you begin to believe it..not only that..but if the guy is a real loser he will find you..I once went to a hotel and told the keeper there not to give my name out..I had bruises all over and sure as shit he found me ..thanks to the keeper..Oh and by the way..you can tell a woman a million times she should leave but she wont..not till she is ready.( I didn't leave till I knew during one beating I was gonna die...pretty bad huh, I waited that long)Okay well I have said enough..and if you are wondering..I am not the kind of girl who would be classified as mousy or anything..I consider myself to be assertive..I did not come from a family of abuse, or alcoholics, or drug users, grew up middle class and all that..so I dont know why I fell into all that.
ReplyDeleteI think it's harder to get over the mental manipulation. Bruises heal. And yes, it's a long process, but it can be done. If you consider it a possibility that you never will heal, it is self-defeating. Most likely, if that is your attitude, you won't recover. And that is really sad.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Wicked Wife, the longer you're in it, the harder it is to get out. You're self-esteem goes down to the point you have no will left of your own. Most of the time, it takes a serious wake up call to get you moving.